Jokes anyone? -

[Jim Rosenthal]

An accordion player had two wedding gigs in one day- late afternoon, and then evening, with the result that (being busy playing requests for drunken guest at the second wedding) he wasn't given dinner at either wedding. Famished while driving home, he decided to stop in at a neighborhood bar and just get some supper. His accordion was in the front seat, and he didn't usually leave it in the car, but tonight he was so tired, he thought "I'm only going to be a few minutes for a quick bite, no one's going to bother it, I'll just eat fast and come back and head home." So he locked his car up, and headed into the bar. All during dinner he worried about his accordion, hoping no one would break into his car and steal it- it was an expensive instrument. But, leaving the bar and headed back to his car, he saw that his worst fears were confirmed. Someone had broken out the passenger's side window...

He ran up to his car, nearly in tears- how could he earn a living without his beloved accordion? He would be ruined.

And inside the car, on the passenger's seat, were two accordions.

 

[Jim Rosenthal]

I apologize if I've posted that one before, but accordion, banjo and viola jokes are some of my favorites. Also guitar player and female jazz singer jokes. See below.

 

[Jim Rosenthal]

A woman jazz singer was booked into a local club, and hired three local musicians to back her up- a jazz pianist, an upright bass player, and a jazz drummer. She was booked for three days- Friday and Saturday evenings, and then a Sunday jazz brunch beginning in the morning at eleven and ending at two pm.

The three musicians hadn't worked with her before, and liked the money, but found that they were enjoying the gig a lot less than they expected, since the woman singer called ALL the tunes, didn't let them make any suggestions, and moreover called several of the tunes in non-original keys because she couldn't hit all the notes in the keys in which the songs had been written. So by Sunday morning they were pretty fed up with her and ready for the gigs to be finished up.

Halfway through the brunch gig, the woman jazz singer sensed that they weren't too happy with her and reflected that they were probably not happy that she hadn't let them call any tunes or suggest anything. So, finishing a song, she asked the piano player if he would like to play anything in particular.

"Sure," said the pianist, "I'd love to. How about if we play 'Here's That Rainy Day?" We'll start off in Bflat, modulate up to C, go up to C sharp to do the bridge, and then modulate back down to C and then finish up in A. How does that sound?"

"Wow," said the woman singer. "I don't think I can keep up with all those key changes in one song."

""Why not?" said the piano player. "You did just that the last two nights..."

 

[Ian Anderson]

The Jewish E L B O W

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........

"What . . . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"

_______________________________________________
Wise Italian Grandfather

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?


___________________________________________________________________


Irish blonde...

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived
at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty
thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much
luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down
and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

_________________________________________________________________________

Global Facts About Sex

At any given moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old BASTARD is reading emails.

You hang in there, sunshine!

 

[Ian Anderson]

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.


They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.


The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly


sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.


The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.


Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had
disappeared.


The waitress, thinking this was a bit risqué behaviour that might offend other diners, went over to the table and tactfully, began by saying to the woman,


"Pardon me, ma'am , but I think your husband just slid under the table."


The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."

 

[Ian Anderson]

Should children witness childbirth? Good question.

Here's your answer.

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby...
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed..
Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.....smack his ass again!'

 

[Jim Rosenthal]

Love it! Better than accordion jokes.

 

[Bob Fechter]

COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America .

ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 7.8%.

COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?

ABBOTT: No, that's 14.7%

COSTELLO: You just said 7.8%.

ABBOTT: 7.8% Unemployed.

COSTELLO: Right 7.8% out of work.

ABBOTT: No, that's 14.7%.

COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 14.7% unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, that's 7.8%.

COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 7.8% or 14.7%?

ABBOTT: 7.8% are unemployed. 14.7% are out of work.

COSTELLO: If you are out of work you are unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, Congress said you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.


COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!

ABBOTT: No, you miss his point.

COSTELLO: What point?

ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work can't be counted with those who look for work.

It wouldn't be fair.

COSTELLO: To whom?

ABBOTT: The unemployed.

COSTELLO: But ALL of them are out of work.

ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of work gave up looking and if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.

COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment rolls that would count as less unemployment?

ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!

COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?

ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how they get it to 7.8%. Otherwise it would be 14.7%. Our govt. doesn't want you to read about 14.7% unemployment.

COSTELLO: That would be tough on those running for reelection.


ABBOTT: Absolutely.


COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?

ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.

COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

ABBOTT: Correct.

COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?

ABBOTT: Bingo.

COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to have people stop looking for work.

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like an Economist.

COSTELLO: I don't even know what the hell I just said!

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like Congress.

 

[Jim Rosenthal]

The dirty secret (no longer a secret) of moving all those people off welfare several years ago? they moved off welfare, which is a state program, to federal (SSI) disability. So they don't count as welfare recipients anymore. But there is a huge industry involved in qualifying former welfare recipients for disability. Any way you look at it, it's people figuring out how not to work and how to have the government- state or federal- support them. There are now fourteen million people on disability in this country. This information came from a series that's been running on NPR. Yes, I know it's the liberal media, but in this case they have it right.

Full disclosure: I have a sister on disability. Her disability isn't back pain, or carpal tunnel syndrome, or drug or alcohol addiction. She is 55, she has Alzheimer's dementia, she doesn't know what day of the week or year it is, etc. SHE is disabled, no bullshit about it. She can't take care of herself. And if we in the USA weren't supporting a lot of people who are "disabled" because they can't find jobs- which isn't a disability at all, it's just a situation of being unemployed- the federal government would be able to do more for my sister. Who, I might add, worked all her life until she developed dementia and couldn't work any longer.

 

[Jack]

Hey Bob, looks we're both on another forun too...

 

[Bill Musarra]

The Pope & The Rabbi

Every time a new Pope is elected, there are many rituals in accordance
with tradition, but, there is one tradition that very few people know
about.

Shortly after a new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi of Rome seeks
an audience. He is shown into the Pope's presence, whereupon he
presents the Pope with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top
of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled envelope. The Pope
symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection. The
Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not
return until the next Pope is elected.

A new Pope's reign was shortly followed by a new Chief Rabbi. He was
intrigued by this ritual and that its origins were unknown to him. He
instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they
came up with nothing.

When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was shown into his presence,
they faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the Chief Rabbi
turned to leave, the Pope called him back.

"My brother," the Pope whispered, "I must confess that we Catholics
are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries
between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to
ask you, what is it all about?"

The Chief Rabbi shrugged and replied: "We have no more idea than you
do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the traditions of ancient
history."

The Pope said: "Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass
of kosher wine together; then with your agreement, we shall open the
envelope and discover the secret at last." The Chief Rabbi agreed.

Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the
curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi
reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient
paper.

As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it. They both
gasped with shock —

It was a bill for the Last Supper from
"Moishe the Caterer."

 

[Larry L.]

COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America .

ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 7.8%.

COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?

ABBOTT: No, that's 14.7%

COSTELLO: You just said 7.8%.

ABBOTT: 7.8% Unemployed.

COSTELLO: Right 7.8% out of work.

ABBOTT: No, that's 14.7%.

COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 14.7% unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, that's 7.8%.

COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 7.8% or 14.7%?

ABBOTT: 7.8% are unemployed. 14.7% are out of work.

COSTELLO: If you are out of work you are unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, Congress said you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.


COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!

ABBOTT: No, you miss his point.

COSTELLO: What point?

ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work can't be counted with those who look for work.

It wouldn't be fair.

COSTELLO: To whom?

ABBOTT: The unemployed.

COSTELLO: But ALL of them are out of work.

ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of work gave up looking and if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.

COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment rolls that would count as less unemployment?

ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!

COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?

ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how they get it to 7.8%. Otherwise it would be 14.7%. Our govt. doesn't want you to read about 14.7% unemployment.

COSTELLO: That would be tough on those running for reelection.


ABBOTT: Absolutely.


COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?

ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.

COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

ABBOTT: Correct.

COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?

ABBOTT: Bingo.

COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to have people stop looking for work.

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like an Economist.

COSTELLO: I don't even know what the hell I just said!

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like Congress.

THAT is priceless!!!

It's also GOSPEL.

 

[flatchat(Chris)]

One for Jimbo --

A saxophone is like a lawsuit.
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

 

[Brian Kissel]

Sensitive Australian Males……..




Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower:
Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away,
Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.

Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.
'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Sensitivity is one of the things we are noted for.:thumbsup:

A red head tells her blonde sister, "I just slept with a Brazillian". Her Blonde sister replied "Oh my God (they always say that) you slut, how many is a Brazillian?"

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station Mick, "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy, “We'll lie and say we only found two!”


A coach load of Paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going. The driver won £52!



Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires sticking out of it. He phones the police and says, "Bejesas, I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb.
The operator asks, "Is it tickin? Paddy says, "No I tink it's beef."

Joe says to Paddy, "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife. The whole street was watching yesterday, and laughing at you.”

Paddy says, "Well the joke's on them, stupid, because I wasn't even at home yesterday."



Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?"

Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tons of sand from the Arabs, and they're going to drill for their own oil.


Paddy says to Mick, " Chris tmas is on a Friday this year.” Mick says, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."


Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?" Paddy says, "Yes, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

 

[Bob Fechter]

Ship Wrecked
A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds. The breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze. Perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those "feelings" again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, "take the dog for a walk.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

And the island they were washed up on came to be known as New Zealand.:laugh::laugh:

 

[Bob Fechter]

And the island they were washed up on came to be known as New Zealand.:laugh::laugh:

Knew that one would catch your fancy, Pete!

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 60

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 3 Kg potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 5 Kg potato bags.

Then try 25 Kg potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50 Kg potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)





After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.