Jokes anyone? -

Ian Anderson

Lifetime Supporter
Supporter
A couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the African male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis with a weight on the end. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "how about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How's our little tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

"No, it's turned black.
 

Jeff Young

GT40s Supporter
As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost…
 
Car Language

A daughter asked her dad, "Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me, that I didn't understand.
He said that I have a beautiful chassis, 2 lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."
Dad said, "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and pulls out his dipstick to check the oil,
I will give his nuts such a service that his motor will cease and his exhaust will fall off."
 
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
 

Keith

Moderator
For Jimbo!

A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab
steals 3 pastries and puts them in his pocket.
He says to the Jew, "See how good I am? The
owner didn't see anything!"

The Jew says to the Arab, "I am going to show
you there is nobody better than a Jew." He
goes to the owner and says, "Give me a pastry
and I will show you a magic trick.''

Intrigued, the owner accepts and give him a
pastry. The Jew swallows it and ask for
another one. The owner gives him another one.
Then the Jew asks for another one and swallows it.

The owner is starting to wonder what the magic
trick is and says, "What is the trick,
Where are the pastries?

The Jew answers, "Look in the Arab's pocket."



 
Here's an oldie that I was reminded of when I posted the "crusin' up Pacific Coast Highway with Bruce Willis" comment in the "Music Zone."

Q. How do you get to Malibu?

A. Go up Pacific Coast Highway until you hit Ben Vereen and make a left.

I guess you would have to be fairly local and of a certain age to get this one, or just google Ben Vereen PCH.
 

Ian Anderson

Lifetime Supporter
Supporter
A man walks into a crowded local bar in Darwin brandishing a revolver yelling,
"Who's the bastard that's been screwing my wife?"
A voice from the back of the bar shouts back.
"You don't have enough ammo mate!!"
 
An old cowboy walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, and
he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are
wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells
the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the
cleanest shave he's had in years,but he wanted to know what would have happened if
he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like
everyone else does.
 
There was a group of women at a seminar on how to ‘live in a lovingrelationship with your husband’.
The women were asked, 'How many of youlove your husbands?'
All the women raised their hands. Then they wereasked,
'When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?'
Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn't remember.
Thewomen were then told to take their phones and send the following text:
“I love you, sweetheart”.
Then the women were told to exchange phonesand read the responding text messages.
Here are some of the replies...

1.Who is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?
3. I love you too.
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What did you do now? I won't forgive you this time.
7. ?!?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I told you not to drink anymore
 
Testicle Therapy


Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!
 

Doc Kaler

GT40s Supporter
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!
 
Good one Doc!
A long time ago, I was stopped in northern Ontario by an RCMP (those guy's are BIG).
He asked "Where's the fire"? I replied, "In your eyes officer". More to a longer story, but he let me go without issue. Have you ever seen steam coming out from someone's collar though? True story...
 

Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
No, I didn't. But be careful Jim might chime in and show a chart that says that 100 pages haven't really been reached until page 101 is turned and you are talking bullshit.
 
Good one Doc!
A long time ago, I was stopped in northern Ontario by an RCMP (those guy's are BIG).
He asked "Where's the fire"? I replied, "In your eyes officer". More to a longer story, but he let me go without issue. Have you ever seen steam coming out from someone's collar though? True story...
there is also the story of the bloke who got pulled over for speeding, and as usual was asked the question, "why the big hurry" and he replied ,
"Officer a few months ago my wife ran off with a police man, and when i saw your flashing light i thought it was you trying to bring her back"
he got off with a warning i believe.
cheers John
 
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