Jim Rosenthal
Supporter
Ba-dump bump.
Jokes anyone? -
- Thread starter p thompson
- Start date
Ammo Shortage
This morning I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo. On the way home I stopped at the gas station and this drop dead gorgeous blond was filling up her car at the next pump.
She looked at the ammo in the back of my car and said in a very sexy voice , "I'm a big believer in barter, big boy. Would you be interested in a trade of sex for ammo?"
I thought it over for a few seconds and responded......"Well, it depends on what kind of ammo you have."
This morning I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo. On the way home I stopped at the gas station and this drop dead gorgeous blond was filling up her car at the next pump.
She looked at the ammo in the back of my car and said in a very sexy voice , "I'm a big believer in barter, big boy. Would you be interested in a trade of sex for ammo?"
I thought it over for a few seconds and responded......"Well, it depends on what kind of ammo you have."
Ian Anderson
Lifetime Supporter
DILEMMA
· One friend said to the other, “What is a dilemma, actually?”
· He replied, “Well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that.
Imagine that you are lying in a big bed with a beautiful naked young woman on one side and a gay man on the other.
· Who are you going to turn your back on?
· One friend said to the other, “What is a dilemma, actually?”
· He replied, “Well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that.
Imagine that you are lying in a big bed with a beautiful naked young woman on one side and a gay man on the other.
· Who are you going to turn your back on?
Q: What's the difference between a German and a shopping trolley?
A: A shopping trolley has a mind of its own.
Q: How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?
A: They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.
Q: How does every German joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.
Q: What do you call an German in the World Cup final?
A: A Referee.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a German?
A: A Beaner-Schnitzel
Q: How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin?
A: First, invade ze kitchen.
Q: Did you hear about the winner of the German beauty contest?
A: Me neither.
Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Germany?
A: He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
A: A shopping trolley has a mind of its own.
Q: How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?
A: They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.
Q: How does every German joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.
Q: What do you call an German in the World Cup final?
A: A Referee.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a German?
A: A Beaner-Schnitzel
Q: How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin?
A: First, invade ze kitchen.
Q: Did you hear about the winner of the German beauty contest?
A: Me neither.
Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Germany?
A: He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it, 'says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration? '
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk..
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really, 'says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it, 'says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration? '
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk..
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really, 'says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
lol!!! Don't mess with old people!!!
The train was quite crowded, and a U.S. marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired...'
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold the fork in the wrong hand.
You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window'.
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired...'
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold the fork in the wrong hand.
You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window'.
Condom history
This is a piece of valuable information that you would never hear about on the Discovery or History channels. I've always been a student of history but I didn't know this: In 1272, the Arabic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine. In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first. Don't thank me. I do this as a public service for the advancement of education.
This is a piece of valuable information that you would never hear about on the Discovery or History channels. I've always been a student of history but I didn't know this: In 1272, the Arabic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine. In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first. Don't thank me. I do this as a public service for the advancement of education.
Pepsi MAX & Jeff Gordon Present: "Test Drive" - YouTube!
Pepsi MAX & Jeff Gordon Present: "Test Drive"
Published on Mar 12, 2013
Jeff Gordon and Pepsi MAX go to a car dealership where a disguised Jeff Gordon takes an unsuspecting car salesman on the test drive of his life.
Pepsi MAX & Jeff Gordon Present: "Test Drive"
Published on Mar 12, 2013
Jeff Gordon and Pepsi MAX go to a car dealership where a disguised Jeff Gordon takes an unsuspecting car salesman on the test drive of his life.
Ian Anderson
Lifetime Supporter
An Aussie Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. [Don't ask!!]
Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.
'I'm sorry,' St Peter said 'but Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals, to ease the burden on the Heavenly Host.'
'That's cool' said the Blonde. 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
'Just three questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked the Blonde.
'The first' said St Peter 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?
The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year'?
The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
'Now,' said St Peter 'Go away and think about those questions, and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied 'I have.'
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'
The Blonde said 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions.' St Peter went on, 'How many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter. 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy!' said the Blonde. 'There's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'
St Peter looked at the Blonde and said 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' ... and he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow your answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
The blonde replied 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter. 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??' exclaimed St Peter.
'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'
'Easy' said the Blonde! 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.'
And the Blonde entered Heaven...?
... you're singing it now, aren't you…??
Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.
'I'm sorry,' St Peter said 'but Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals, to ease the burden on the Heavenly Host.'
'That's cool' said the Blonde. 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
'Just three questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked the Blonde.
'The first' said St Peter 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?
The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year'?
The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
'Now,' said St Peter 'Go away and think about those questions, and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied 'I have.'
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'
The Blonde said 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions.' St Peter went on, 'How many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter. 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy!' said the Blonde. 'There's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'
St Peter looked at the Blonde and said 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' ... and he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow your answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
The blonde replied 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter. 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??' exclaimed St Peter.
'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'
'Easy' said the Blonde! 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.'
And the Blonde entered Heaven...?
... you're singing it now, aren't you…??
Mike Pass
Supporter
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane.
The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said, "I am the prime Minister of Australia and I am the smartest woman in Australian history, so Australia's people don't want me to die." She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America ." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped.
The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. President. There's a parachute left for you. Australia 's smartest woman took my schoolbag
Job vacancy: Psychic Wanted. You know where to apply
The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane.
The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said, "I am the prime Minister of Australia and I am the smartest woman in Australian history, so Australia's people don't want me to die." She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America ." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped.
The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. President. There's a parachute left for you. Australia 's smartest woman took my schoolbag
Job vacancy: Psychic Wanted. You know where to apply
"Australia's smartest woman"......................or, just insert the name of your choice!
A farmer decided he wanted to go to town and see a movie.
The ticket agent asked, "sir, what's that on your shoulder?"
the old farmer said,
"that's my pet rooster chuck.
Wherever i go, chuck goes."
"i'm sorry sir," said the ticket agent
"we can't allow animals in the theater."
the old farmer went around the corner
and stuffed chuck down his overalls.
Then he returned to the booth,
bought a ticket, and entered the theater.
He sat down next to
two old widows
named mildred and marge.
The movie started
and the rooster began to squirm. . .
The old farmer
unbuttoned his fly so
chuck could stick his head out
and watch the movie.
"marge," whispered mildred.
"what?" said marge.
"i think the guy next to me
is a pervert."
"what makes you think so?" asked marge?
"he undid his pants and
he has his thing out", whispered mildred.
"well, don't worry about it", said marge..
"at our age we've seen 'em all"
"i thought so too", said mildred,
"but this one's
eatin' my popcorn...!"
The ticket agent asked, "sir, what's that on your shoulder?"
the old farmer said,
"that's my pet rooster chuck.
Wherever i go, chuck goes."
"i'm sorry sir," said the ticket agent
"we can't allow animals in the theater."
the old farmer went around the corner
and stuffed chuck down his overalls.
Then he returned to the booth,
bought a ticket, and entered the theater.
He sat down next to
two old widows
named mildred and marge.
The movie started
and the rooster began to squirm. . .
The old farmer
unbuttoned his fly so
chuck could stick his head out
and watch the movie.
"marge," whispered mildred.
"what?" said marge.
"i think the guy next to me
is a pervert."
"what makes you think so?" asked marge?
"he undid his pants and
he has his thing out", whispered mildred.
"well, don't worry about it", said marge..
"at our age we've seen 'em all"
"i thought so too", said mildred,
"but this one's
eatin' my popcorn...!"
Charlie Farley
Supporter
Bill,
Thats priceless.
Thanks
Thats priceless.
Thanks
David Morton
Lifetime Supporter
A woman is walking down the street and see's a sign in the pet shop window reading, "FANNY LICKING FROG $25" curious the woman proceeds inside and says to the shop keeper, "I'd like to see the fanny licking frog please." To which the shop keeper replies, "Bonjour!"
Last edited:
Ian Anderson
Lifetime Supporter
Wife's Diary:
Tonight I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted to be somewhere else and have nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later he came to bed but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep, I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Husband's Diary:
A two-foot putt . . . who on earth misses a two-foot putt ?
Women never understand the most serious incidents in a mans life!!!
Tonight I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted to be somewhere else and have nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later he came to bed but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep, I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Husband's Diary:
A two-foot putt . . . who on earth misses a two-foot putt ?
Women never understand the most serious incidents in a mans life!!!
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
Straight to the classics file:laugh::laugh::thumbsup:
