Jokes anyone? -
- Thread starter p thompson
- Start date
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
Haha, it could have been worse, it could have been the drummer.
Does this ring true.
As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world.
I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's arse anymore.
If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.
Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and All-Bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, then where the fuck is it?
7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.
8. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the lamp post.
9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .
I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE ?
As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world.
I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's arse anymore.
If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.
Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and All-Bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, then where the fuck is it?
7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.
8. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the lamp post.
9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .
I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE ?
And one for Larry
I did that once.
'Took 3 hours to convince the cops I hadn't 'offed' anybody.
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
(What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!!!!)
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Re-dial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
(What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!!!!)
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Re-dial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake
Charlie Farley
Supporter
OH JACK,
That's the longest and heartiest laugh I've had in a couple of weeks...
Thanks..
That's the longest and heartiest laugh I've had in a couple of weeks...
Thanks..
Pete do you know this man 
> Aussie stockman and his wife had just got married and found a quiet hotel for their wedding night.
>
> The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.
> He said,'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed.."
>
> The clerk winked,'You want the 'Bridal'?'
>
> The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied.
>
"Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."
> Aussie stockman and his wife had just got married and found a quiet hotel for their wedding night.
>
> The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.
> He said,'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed.."
>
> The clerk winked,'You want the 'Bridal'?'
>
> The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied.
>
"Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
Pete do you know this man
> Aussie stockman and his wife had just got married and found a quiet hotel for their wedding night.
>
> The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.
> He said,'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed.."
>
> The clerk winked,'You want the 'Bridal'?'
>
> The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied.
>
"Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."
I have several mates who I reckon could be the one.:laugh:
Jokes about liberals and democrats:
Q: What do you get when you offer a Liberal a penny for his thoughts?
A: Change.
Q: How do you confuse a Liberal?
A: You don't. They're born that way.
Q: Why is it good to have a Democrat passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Q: What's the difference between Elvis and a smart Liberal?
A: Elvis has been sighted.
A Democrat died and a friend went around collecting for a fund for his funeral. A woman was asked to donate ten dollars.
"Ten dollars?" she said. "It only takes ten dollars to bury a Democrat? Here's a hundred - go bury 10 of them!"
Q: How do you keep a Democrat busy?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
Q: How do you keep a Liberal busy all day?
A: Put him in a round room and tell him to wait in the corner.
Q: What do you call a Democrat with an IQ of 130?
A: A foursome
Q: How do you get a one-armed Liberal out of a tree?
A: Wave to him.
Q: What do you call a basement full of Liberals?
A: A whine cellar.
Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 Democrats.
Q: What is foreplay for a Democrat?
A: Thirty minutes of begging.
Q: What is the Democrat doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
Q: Why did the Liberal have blisters on his lips?
A: From trying to blow out lightbulbs.
Q: Why do Liberals work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
A Democrat found a magic genie's lamp and rubbed it. The genie said, "I will grant you one wish." He said, "I wish I were smarter". So the genie made him a Republican.
Q: What the difference between a Democrat and the rear end of a horse?
A: I don't know either.
Q: How is a Liberal different from a sewer rat?
A: Some people actually like sewer rats.
Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They prefer to walk in the dark.
Q: Why do so many Liberals live in L.A.?
A: It’s the only city that is easy enough for them to spell.
Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A Democrat parade.
Q: What is it called when a Liberal blows in another Liberal’s ear?
A: Data transfer.
Q: Why don't they let Liberals swim in the ocean?
A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna.
Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a Democrat.
Q: What's the difference between a Liberal and a sack of manure?
A: The sack.
Q: What's the definition of a Democrat running for Congress for the first time?
A: A mouse trying to become a rat.
Q: What's the difference between God and a Democrat?
A: God knows He's not a Democrat.
Q: What do you get when you offer a Liberal a penny for his thoughts?
A: Change.
Q: How do you confuse a Liberal?
A: You don't. They're born that way.
Q: Why is it good to have a Democrat passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Q: What's the difference between Elvis and a smart Liberal?
A: Elvis has been sighted.
A Democrat died and a friend went around collecting for a fund for his funeral. A woman was asked to donate ten dollars.
"Ten dollars?" she said. "It only takes ten dollars to bury a Democrat? Here's a hundred - go bury 10 of them!"
Q: How do you keep a Democrat busy?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
Q: How do you keep a Liberal busy all day?
A: Put him in a round room and tell him to wait in the corner.
Q: What do you call a Democrat with an IQ of 130?
A: A foursome
Q: How do you get a one-armed Liberal out of a tree?
A: Wave to him.
Q: What do you call a basement full of Liberals?
A: A whine cellar.
Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 Democrats.
Q: What is foreplay for a Democrat?
A: Thirty minutes of begging.
Q: What is the Democrat doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
Q: Why did the Liberal have blisters on his lips?
A: From trying to blow out lightbulbs.
Q: Why do Liberals work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
A Democrat found a magic genie's lamp and rubbed it. The genie said, "I will grant you one wish." He said, "I wish I were smarter". So the genie made him a Republican.
Q: What the difference between a Democrat and the rear end of a horse?
A: I don't know either.
Q: How is a Liberal different from a sewer rat?
A: Some people actually like sewer rats.
Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They prefer to walk in the dark.
Q: Why do so many Liberals live in L.A.?
A: It’s the only city that is easy enough for them to spell.
Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A Democrat parade.
Q: What is it called when a Liberal blows in another Liberal’s ear?
A: Data transfer.
Q: Why don't they let Liberals swim in the ocean?
A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna.
Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a Democrat.
Q: What's the difference between a Liberal and a sack of manure?
A: The sack.
Q: What's the definition of a Democrat running for Congress for the first time?
A: A mouse trying to become a rat.
Q: What's the difference between God and a Democrat?
A: God knows He's not a Democrat.
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
The recession in the USA has hit everybody really hard…
My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can’t afford batteries.
CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn’t afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
The recession in the USA has hit everybody really hard…
My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can’t afford batteries.
CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn’t afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
Jim Rosenthal
Supporter
Years ago a friend told me what he thought the difference was between a Democrat and a Republican:
-a Democrat is someone who thinks everything in the world would be fine if people would just be NICE to one another.
-a Republican is someone who thinks the world is fine as it is, and everyone ought to quit complaining about it.
That set of definitions worked for a few years, but recently I decided I needed new ones, as follows:
-a Republican is someone who lies awake at night, brooding over the fact that someone, somewhere, out there, is getting something for free.
-a Democrat is someone who lies awake at night, brooding over the fact that someone, somewhere, out there, is NOT getting something for free.
-a Democrat is someone who thinks everything in the world would be fine if people would just be NICE to one another.
-a Republican is someone who thinks the world is fine as it is, and everyone ought to quit complaining about it.
That set of definitions worked for a few years, but recently I decided I needed new ones, as follows:
-a Republican is someone who lies awake at night, brooding over the fact that someone, somewhere, out there, is getting something for free.
-a Democrat is someone who lies awake at night, brooding over the fact that someone, somewhere, out there, is NOT getting something for free.
but his brother also a stockman, from up MT Isa way was one lucky bugger and won $10mill on lotto. I caught up with him a couple of days after the big win, as he was sitting on the pub veranda havin a coldy readin a travel mag.
so with bevvy in hand I walked over to join him, and asked what he was going to do with all that money,
"" Oh not to sure really " He replied " I have a daughter down Sydney ways I haven't seen for a few years, so I thought I might jump in the cruiser and pop on down"
"that would be nice" I said "so what route will you take"
"oh, I dunno, probably wind up takin the missus"