Jokes anyone? -

I went to the doctors today and he said to me, "Have you been taking the medicine I gave you for your memory loss?"

I replied, "Err no, I forgot."

He said, "If you don't take your medicine you won't fix the problem."

I said, "What fucking problem."

Bob


Bob


Joe


Bob
 
Since the elderly gent seems to be perusing the newspaper rather than a menu I wondered whether it could be the 'personal' adverts that he might be deciding which to choose from!...

And David I remember seeing a photo of you once, you don't look anything like this guy!!:)
 

David Morton

Lifetime Supporter
I sent it to several people I know and the main comment is "A weak attempt at vulgarity".
The one from Colonel Mustard aka Keith has a slightly funny line in it but nowhere near his usual sort of wit. He may be off colour at the moment.
 

Keith

Moderator
I agree, it's a bit on the weak side...

Sorry.

Jac's version was definitely from a lateral perspective and completely understandable given his engineering background..
 
Good to see this thread still thriving.... long may it continue....

Eileen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate,painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of
unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her
passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

After a few minutes the therapist stepped away, Eileen buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?'

Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.
 

Randy V

Admin
Lifetime Supporter
Random Thoughts As We Age...


Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!

I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me
off!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember
it."

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second
week.

When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"?

I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my wife took it!

Even duct tape can't fix stupid
... but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... that makes it a plant which means ... chocolate is Salad !!!
 

David Morton

Lifetime Supporter
> Ya never really know what's "down under"
>
> A very nice, innocent woman wants to get married,
>
> but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex
> with another woman.
>
>
>
> After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to
> take out a personal ad.
>
> She ends up corresponding with Scotty who has lived his entire life in
> the Australian Outback and he has no experience with women. She is
> very happy with him, and she feels that they are perfect for each
> other. So, they end up getting married.
>
> On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the
> evening. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband
> standing in the middle of the room, naked. All the furniture from the
> room is piled in one corner.
>
> "What happened?" she asks.
>
> "I've never been with a woman" he says, "But if it's anything like a
> kangaroo,
>
> I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"
 
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