Jokes anyone? -

[Pete McCluskey.]

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1.. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on
and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your
Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something,ask If They
Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone
has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For
Marijuana.
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many
looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a
serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't
Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I
Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking
lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy,
We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE
COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

 

[Al Wohlstrom]

Pete, I really like dry humor, that was great!

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

** I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

** There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

** Life is sexually transmitted.

** Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

** The differences between a rut and a grave is the length and depth.

** Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

** Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

** Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

** All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

** In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

** How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

** Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?'

** If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

** If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

** If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

** Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

** Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

** Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle

 

[Bill Musarra]

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley '

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.

Roll him over..'

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'

'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'

 

[Dalton Veitch]

The jokes here are getting absolutely pre-historic.

 

[Garry]

Hahaha Bill! I knew that guy!
Garry

 

[David Morton]

​

Posted in error
It wasn't really that funny.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.

When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat

 

[Ian Anderson]

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21.. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects

 

[flatchat(Chris)]

May I present Zorba the Aboriginal :-
YouTube - aboriginal zorba :laugh:

PS can't remember if its been done before ?

 

[Garry]

Ian,
Very Punny!
Garry

 

[David Morton]

Just read this on Google Search on Tramadol pain killers:

took 100 mg. of tramadol at around 830am then took another 50 mg at 12pm. I was wondering if I will be sick or if I will suffer potentially fata

 

[Garry]

<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top><TABLE class=MsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top><TABLE class=MsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top>THESE REALLY WORK! I checked this out on Snopes and it's for real!<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comfficeffice" /><o></o>






AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.












</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>






garry

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

 

[Ian Anderson]

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a construction site.


The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.


He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'


To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'


And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'


He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand.'




So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.


He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'


The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'


Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'


The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither.'


The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.




Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells,




'SUPPLIES!!! !'

 

[David Lowe]

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies,"There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is,now git out there and fix it."
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse,looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!
"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"

 

[Keith]

 

[Chris P.]

May I present Zorba the Aboriginal :-
YouTube - aboriginal zorba :laugh:

PS can't remember if its been done before ?

It's like watching Thriller...

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

I was at Hungry Jack’s last night, when this Muslim woman walks in in wearing a brightly coloured head to toe outfit. I thought to myself, “Wow, the burka’s really are better at Hungry Jacks.”<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com<img src=" /><o></o>

 

[Mike]

Mexican Oysters
> -------------------------
>
> A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico City.
>
> While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
>
> "What is that you just served?" he asked the waiter.
>
> "Ah senor, you have excellent taste!" the waiter replied. "Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
>
> "What the heck, bring me an order."
>
> "I am so sorry senor," the waiter replied. "There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."
>
> The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter.
>
> "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."
>
> The waiter shrugged his shoulders.
>
> "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins..."

 

[Nick]

A SENIOR MOMENT - An elderly lady actually wrote this letter to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in The Times and this newspaper thanks him most sincerely.


Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, re-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1-- To make an appointment to see me.

2-- To query a missing payment.

3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorised Contact.)

8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8

9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

Addendum from The Editor:


IMPORTANT to REMEMBER that this letter was written by a 98 year old woman.

DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!!!