Jokes anyone? -

[Peter Delaney]

Golf Joke

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger
turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career
going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad... How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems
with my swing, but I think I've got that right now".


Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes
wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not
think about it.Then , the next time I play, it seems
to be all right."

Tiger says, "You play golf?"

Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years".

Tiger says, "But, you're blind. How can you play
golf if you can't see?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in
the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen
for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards
him. Then,

when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves
to the green or farther down the fairway and again I
play the ball towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt?" asks Tiger.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in
front of the hole and call to me with his head on
the ground and I just play the ball towards his
voice."

Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer"

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to
play a round sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me
seriously, so I only play for money, and never play
for less than $10,000 a hole".

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for
that, - when would you like to play?"



Stevie says, "Pick any night".

 

[JimmyMac]

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa." The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died.


The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy, and good-bye Grandma. The next day the grandmother died.

Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it; I've just spent the worst day of my life. She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch."

 

[Simon]

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk,
as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already
asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed
wearing a long flowing white Robe.

"Who the hell are you?" demanded Dave, "and what are you doing in
my bedroom?"

The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St.
Peter." (cue angelic music)

Dave was stunned "You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so
much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . you've
got to send me back straight away."

St Peter replied "Yes, legislation permits you to be reincarnated
but there is a catch. Due to an administative cock up on the pink
filing cloud we can only send you back as either a dog or a hen."

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later - he was covered in feathers and clucking
around pecking the ground.

"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling
welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen
huh, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Dave, "but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode."

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've
Never laid an egg before?"

"Never!" replies Dave.

"Well just relax and let it happen"

So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail.

An immense feeling of relief and pride swept over him and his
emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the
first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was
overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the
best thing that ever happened to him Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg
he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head.
He heard his Wife shouting...

"Dave, wake up you drunken b*stard you've sh!t the bed."

 

[David Morton]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician toseek his
help in reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra? Asks the doctor. "Not a chance," she said.
"He won't even take an aspirin."
"Not a problem," replied the doctor.
"Give him an Irish Soluble Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even
taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things
went."
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as
to progress. The poor dear exclaimed,
"Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! 'Twas horrid. Just terrible doctor!."
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor?"
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was
almost immediate. He jumped his self straight up, with a twinkle in his eye,
and with his pants a-bulgin' fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent
the cups and tablecloth flyin', ripped me clothes to tatters and took me
then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the table-top! It
wa a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute feckin' nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband
provided wasn't good"?
"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! 'Twas the best sex I've
had in 50 years of marriage! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll niver be
able to show me face in Starbucks again."

 

[Paul Thompson 'Hooligan']

:d:d:d:d:d:d:d:d:d

All Very Good!!!

 

[Rich A]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

 

[Rich A]

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

 

[Bill Bayard]

Apple Computer announced that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants. The iTit will cost $499, 599, or $799 depending on speaker size. Women are considering this to be a major breakthrough as they have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them!

No word was available on how to upload the music, but Victoria's Secret is reportedly looking to pump up the volume.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Apple Computer announced that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants. The iTit will cost $499, 599, or $799 depending on speaker size. Women are considering this to be a major breakthrough as they have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them!

No word was available on how to upload the music, but Victoria's Secret is reportedly looking to pump up the volume.

I had a girfriend once who told me she had musical breast's.


I put one in each ear and told her I couldn't hear anything.


She said...............................................................



"That's because you are not plugged in"......

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog barking.
It had been barking for hours and hours.
Suddenly, paddy jumps out of bed and says, "I’ve had enough of this." He goes downstairs.
Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "The dog is still barking. What have you been doing"
Paddy says, "I’ve put their dog in our yard ... now we'll fookin' see how THEY like it!"

 

[Marcus]

Good Manners

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: "John, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
John said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite." "What about you Heinz, how would you say it?"
Heinz said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table." "And you, little Pete, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners? "
I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."
The teacher fainted.

 

[Dalton Veitch]

A man breaks into a house, and whacks the owners a couple of times with his automatic, then ties them up. He bends over the woman and kisses her neck, then disappears up the hall into the bathroom.

While he's gone, the husband says, "This guy could do anything. I saw how he kissed your neck. Please go along with whatever he wants. No matter how much sex he wants, just humour him and agree, or else he could kill us both. Be strong dear, I love you."

The wife replied "He wasn't kissing me, he was whispering in my ear. He thinks you look cute, and was asking if we had any vaseline in the house. I told him there was some in the bathroom. Be strong dear. I love you too."

Dalton

 

[Bill Musarra]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot.
"I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $20000 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20. Just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes,
"Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing.
"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."
Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

 

[RichardH]

Tiger woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of Ireland.The pump attendant , who knows nothing about golf or Tiger , says" Top of the mornin to yer sir " Tiger nods & bends to pick up the nozzle . As he does so, 2 tees fall out of his shirt pocket . "what are those " asks the attendant. "They`re called tees , they`re for resting my balls on when i`m driving" says Tiger. "F**k me" says the attendant "BMW think of everything"!

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

<DIV>WHY MEN DO NOT WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS


Dear Steve
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Sheila

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.

Steve

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Karaoke for the deaf. http://www.coresworld.net/Karaoke_for_the_deaf.wmv.

 

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna,I have good news and bad News. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays that you have a sound mind.

The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the Bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

 

[Ken Mason]

An Australian rugby fan was found unconscious in a French hotel. He was dressed in an Aussie rugby shirt, fishnet stockings, suspenders, lacy panties and a bra.

The medics removed the rugby shirt before taking him to hospital to save him from embarrassment.....

 

[Miles]

Q) What's the difference between the All Blacks/Wallabies and Viagra?
A) Viagra will at least guarantee you a semi.

Q: What's the difference between the Wallabies, the All Blacks and a tea bag?
A: A tea bag stays in the cup longer.

Q: What is the main function of the Wallabies coach?
A: To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

Q: What's the All Black version of a hat-trick?
A: Conceding three tries in three minutes.

Q: Why don't the Wallabies backline need pre-tour travel injections?
A: Because they never catch anything.

Q: What do the Wallabies, All Blacks and drug addicts have in common?
A: All three spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

Did you hear that the Australia Post Office has had to recall their latest stamps. They had pictures of Wallabies rugby players on them. People couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

 

[Keith]

I say, that's a bit harsh chaps after all it's only a game. What happened to our famous magnanimity