Jokes anyone? -
- Thread starter p thompson
- Start date
David Morton
Lifetime Supporter
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com
"There's no need to," his wife replied.<o
></o>
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"<o></o>
<o></o>
"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work." <o></o>
<o></o>
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com
></o>"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"<o
></o><o
></o>"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work." <o
></o><o
></o>David Morton
Lifetime Supporter
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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.<o></o>
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."<o></o>
<o></o>
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.<o></o>
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."<o></o>
<o></o>
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.<o></o>
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."<o></o>
<o></o>
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.<o></o>
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.<o></o>
<o></o>
"Here," he said to the statue, "Have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."<o></o>
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<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none" alt="" 0?><TABLE class=MsoNormalTable cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0cm; PADDING-LEFT: 0cm; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0cm; PADDING-TOP: 0cm" vAlign=top><TABLE class=MsoNormalTable cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0cm; PADDING-LEFT: 0cm; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0cm; PADDING-TOP: 0cm" vAlign=top><TABLE class=MsoNormalTable cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0cm; PADDING-LEFT: 0cm; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0cm; PADDING-TOP: 0cm" vAlign=top> <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com
></o>"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."<o
></o><o
></o>She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.<o
></o>"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."<o
></o><o
></o>"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.<o
></o>"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."<o
></o><o
></o>No more was said, not even when they went to bed.<o
></o>Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.<o
></o><o
></o>"Here," he said to the statue, "Have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."<o
></o></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
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David Morton
Lifetime Supporter
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.<o></o>
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.<o></o>
<o></o>
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.<o></o>
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"<o></o>
<o></o>
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com
></o>The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.<o
></o><o
></o>He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.<o
></o>He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"<o
></o><o
></o>The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"
Did you know that the words "race car" spelled backward still spell "race car"?
Did you know that "eat" is the only word that, if you take the 1<SUP>st</SUP> letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense, "ate"?
And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells: "Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking, baby-making, violent, non-English-speaking assholes and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-loving, raggedy-ass bastards with you."
How weird is that?
Garry
Did you know that "eat" is the only word that, if you take the 1<SUP>st</SUP> letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense, "ate"?
And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells: "Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking, baby-making, violent, non-English-speaking assholes and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-loving, raggedy-ass bastards with you."
How weird is that?
Garry
Jim Rosenthal
Supporter
Two English blokes are in the habit of meeting every Monday afternoon for a pint and a sandwich in a Tetley's bar in their town. The first fellow arrives a bit late and finds his mate sitting at the table looking obviously quite upset. He sits down.
"What on earth's the matter?" he says to his friend, who looks up.
"Oh, thank God you've showed up", the friend says. "I'm afraid I've made the biggest ass of myself just now. D'you see that barmaid over there under the Tetley's sign- the one with the big breasts, there?"
"Yes, she's rather hard to miss, isn't she. She looks quite put out. What happened?"
"Well, I got here early, and I thought I'd get us the usual pints, and I was looking at her chest, and I walked up and asked for two pints of TITley's, and she's furious, and of course I'm totally disgusted with myself for being a fool. "
His friend pats him on the shoulder consolingly. He says "you know, these things happen sometimes. They've happened to me as well. For example...
"..last Sunday morning I was home with my wife, and we were having breakfast, and we had the tea and breakfast things and the Sunday newspaper all spread out over the dining room table, and the toast, and scones, and whatnot, and I couldn't find the marmalade. So I opened my mouth to ask my wife where it was, and instead of saying 'Darling, would you mind passing me the marmalade, please?' what came out was..."
"You bitch! you've ruined my f--king life..."
"What on earth's the matter?" he says to his friend, who looks up.
"Oh, thank God you've showed up", the friend says. "I'm afraid I've made the biggest ass of myself just now. D'you see that barmaid over there under the Tetley's sign- the one with the big breasts, there?"
"Yes, she's rather hard to miss, isn't she. She looks quite put out. What happened?"
"Well, I got here early, and I thought I'd get us the usual pints, and I was looking at her chest, and I walked up and asked for two pints of TITley's, and she's furious, and of course I'm totally disgusted with myself for being a fool. "
His friend pats him on the shoulder consolingly. He says "you know, these things happen sometimes. They've happened to me as well. For example...
"..last Sunday morning I was home with my wife, and we were having breakfast, and we had the tea and breakfast things and the Sunday newspaper all spread out over the dining room table, and the toast, and scones, and whatnot, and I couldn't find the marmalade. So I opened my mouth to ask my wife where it was, and instead of saying 'Darling, would you mind passing me the marmalade, please?' what came out was..."
"You bitch! you've ruined my f--king life..."
CAUTION: THIS TALE IS ONLY TO BE READ BY THOSE FROM THE DARK SIDE NAMELY THE TWO 'M's'
A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Jim, Tom and Susie.
They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com<img src=" /><o></o>
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. <o></o>
She felt having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.
It was tragic, but Jim and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Jim and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.
Well, a couple more years went by and Jim and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
<I>(Guys </I><I>I honestly didn't see this one coming</I>)
So, they buried Susie. <o></o>
<o></o>
A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Jim, Tom and Susie.
They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com<img src=" /><o
></o>After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. <o
></o>She felt having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.
It was tragic, but Jim and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Jim and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.
Well, a couple more years went by and Jim and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
<I>(Guys </I><I>I honestly didn't see this one coming</I>)
So, they buried Susie. <o
></o><o
></o>Brian Hamilton
I'm on the verge of touching myself inappropriatel
^ lmfao!!
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
The Irish Millionaire.
Mick, from <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com
Dublin</st1lace> ,appeared on
'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'
and towards the end of the program
had already won 500,000 pounds.
"You've done very well so far,"
said Chris Tarrant,
the show's presenter,
"but for a million pounds
you've only got one life-line left –
phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question.....
will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,
''so I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in <st1:City w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">Dublin</st1lace></st1:City> Mick called up his
<FONT size=3> mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com
<o></o>
"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple......
It's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,
"I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is, Sir."
There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer!<o></o>
Mick, from <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com
lace> ,appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'
and towards the end of the program
had already won 500,000 pounds.
"You've done very well so far,"
said Chris Tarrant,
the show's presenter,
"but for a million pounds
you've only got one life-line left –
phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question.....
will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,
''so I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in <st1:City w:st="on"><st1
lace w:st="on">Dublin</st1lace></st1:City> Mick called up his<FONT size=3> mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com
></o>"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple......
It's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,
"I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is, Sir."
There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer!<o
></o>Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"
The next night,
The next night,
Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy?
How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"<o></o>
></o>
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of ffice <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com
</st1lace><st1:City w:st="on">Rimini</st1:City> , <st1:country-region w:st="on">Italy</st1:country-region> ,
went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
"Father during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from
the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no
need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual
favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on
Sundays."
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did,
you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However,
if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more
question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com<img src=" /><o></o>
<o></o>
<o></o>
lace><st1:City w:st="on">Rimini</st1:City> , <st1:country-region w:st="on">Italy</st1:country-region> ,went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
"Father during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from
the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no
need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual
favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on
Sundays."
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did,
you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However,
if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more
question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com<img src=" /><o
></o><o
></o><o
></o>
Ian Anderson
Lifetime Supporter
An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before God.
He said, "I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I’m only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 whores?”
God regarded him for a moment, then replied, "No go. Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because assholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually hungry and, frankly, you'll be on constant exhausting duty."
The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"
And God replied, "Who said they were women?"
He said, "I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I’m only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 whores?”
God regarded him for a moment, then replied, "No go. Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because assholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually hungry and, frankly, you'll be on constant exhausting duty."
The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"
And God replied, "Who said they were women?"
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
I swear that this is a true Bundy Rum Fishing Story.................ffice
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com
...<?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns =)
<st1lace w:st="on">Queensland</st1lace></st1:State>'s famous product! Forget <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">Jamaica</st1lace></st1:country-region> or any other rubbish! (For you o/seas people..a King Brown is one of the deadliest snakes on earth. Out of the world’s top 10,<st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">Australia</st1lace></st1:country-region> has 5.
When I was recently on holidays I finally got around to going fishing this morning on the <st1lace w:st="on"><st1laceName w:st="on">Burnett</st1laceName> <st1laceType w:st="on">River</st1laceType></st1lace>, Bundaberg, with Barry Cane an old Army mate, but after a while we ran out of worms.
Then I saw a King Brown with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten. I grabbed my trusty bottle of Bundaberg rum (a Bundy Boy never travels without it)and poured a little rum in its mouth.His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the river without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.
A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.
There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com
lace w:st="on">Queensland</st1lace></st1:State>'s famous product! Forget <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">Jamaica</st1lace></st1:country-region> or any other rubbish! (For you o/seas people..a King Brown is one of the deadliest snakes on earth. Out of the world’s top 10,<st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">Australia</st1lace></st1:country-region> has 5.When I was recently on holidays I finally got around to going fishing this morning on the <st1
lace w:st="on"><st1laceName w:st="on">Burnett</st1laceName> <st1laceType w:st="on">River</st1laceType></st1lace>, Bundaberg, with Barry Cane an old Army mate, but after a while we ran out of worms.Then I saw a King Brown with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten. I grabbed my trusty bottle of Bundaberg rum (a Bundy Boy never travels without it)and poured a little rum in its mouth.His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the river without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.
A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.
There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
I went down this morning to sign up my Dog at Centrelink.
At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare payments".
So I explained to her that my Dog is black, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and has no frigging clue who his Daddy is.
So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
My Dog gets his first cheque Friday.
Damn this is a great country
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com<img src=" /><o></o>
At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare payments".
So I explained to her that my Dog is black, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and has no frigging clue who his Daddy is.
So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
My Dog gets his first cheque Friday.
Damn this is a great country
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com<img src=" /><o
></o>
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potatoe pie, large chips,
mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said
'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your f***ing will
power'
I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.. Apparently the
instruction ' finish off on her face ' didn't mean ' What I thought it did
'
A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said ' sorry
about the wait ' I said ' don't worry you fat bitch, you'll lose it
eventually '
Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts, Murphy meets
him & says ' if I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can
I have one? Paddy said ' if you can guess how many doughnuts are in
there you can have both of them!! '...............Murphy says 'Four!'
Snow eh! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I
thought to myself ' she'll be f***ing lucky with a face like that!'
I have a new chat up line that works everytime!! It doesn't matter how
gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I
always end up in bed with them..............Here's how it goes 'Excuse
me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like
chloroform to you?'
Years ago it was suggested ' that an apple a day kept the doctor away '
But since all the doctors are now muslim, I've found that a bacon
sandwich works a treat!
mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said
'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your f***ing will
power'
I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.. Apparently the
instruction ' finish off on her face ' didn't mean ' What I thought it did
'
A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said ' sorry
about the wait ' I said ' don't worry you fat bitch, you'll lose it
eventually '
Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts, Murphy meets
him & says ' if I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can
I have one? Paddy said ' if you can guess how many doughnuts are in
there you can have both of them!! '...............Murphy says 'Four!'
Snow eh! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I
thought to myself ' she'll be f***ing lucky with a face like that!'
I have a new chat up line that works everytime!! It doesn't matter how
gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I
always end up in bed with them..............Here's how it goes 'Excuse
me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like
chloroform to you?'
Years ago it was suggested ' that an apple a day kept the doctor away '
But since all the doctors are now muslim, I've found that a bacon
sandwich works a treat!
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
You should have seen the ones I edited out, they are the mild ones.:thumbsup:
