Jokes anyone? -

[Pete McCluskey.]

A Mother passing by her 15-year old son's bedroom was astonished to see
that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was
addressed to ' Mum '. With the worst premonition she opened the envelope
with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Mum,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope
with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew
you
would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight
motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's
not only the passion....... Mom she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods
and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other
people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will
pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She
deserves it... Don't worry Mum . I'm 15 and I know how to take care of
myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can
get to know your grandchildren.

Love,

Your Son Derek

P.S. Mum , none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report
card that's in my centre desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home

 

[Brian Hamilton]

I've seen that one before, and I still think it's one of the funniest things I've seen. It sounds like something I'd write, and kinda wish I was still a kid so I could pull something like this. LOL

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Here is a little calculation to help you find your all time favorite movie. Mine was Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark. Give it a go it really works...







· OK, pick a number from 1 to 9
· Multiply it by 3
· Add 3
· Then multiply by 3 again
· Then add those two digits together.


Your favourite film is the one which number you have.


Scroll down.......... this is never wrong






























1. Gone with the Wind

2. Back to the Future

3. Jaws

4. Star Wars

5. Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark

6. Terminator

7. The Sound of Music

8. Predator

9. Gay Black Men In Leather Taking It Up The Ass, Vol. 2

10. Saving Private Ryan






Told you it really works!!!:shocked:

 

[tom pritchett]

I just tried this with my conservative wife of 21 years. She picked #9 after all of the math. I think that we have something to talk about.

 

[Malcolm]

Pete, your maths must be shite then if you got indianna jones!

 

[Ron R.]

WIFE FROM HELL


A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,' I clocked you
at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps
your radar gun needs calibrating. '

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear --
you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and
growls,
'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your
radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector
unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat
belt, sir.
That's an automatic $75 fine..'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it
off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back
pocket'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat
belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns
to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk
to you this way, Ma'am?'
(love this part)

'Only when he's been drinking.!!!

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Pete, your maths must be shite then if you got indianna jones!

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh: Actually Malcom my maths are Shite, congratulations on working
out that all cominations will give nine as a result.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

An Oldie with a new twist at the end.

A store that sells new husbands has opened in <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

<st1lace w:st="on">New York City</st1lace></st1:City>, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:


You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men Have <st1ersonName w:st="on">Jo</st1ersonName>bs


She is intrigued, but continue's to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have <st1ersonName w:st="on">Jo</st1ersonName>bs and Love Kids.


'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more..'


So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:


Floor 3 - These men Have <st1ersonName w:st="on">Jo</st1ersonName>bs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.


'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 4 - These men Have <st1ersonName w:st="on">Jo</st1ersonName>bs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.


'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'


Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men Have <st1ersonName w:st="on">Jo</st1ersonName>bs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.



PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.


The first floor has wives that love sex.


The second floor has wives that love sex and like beer.


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

 

[Keith]

Well, that's it. Funeral has happened, a decent period of mourning has passed. My curtains are now open and it's time to move onwards. Many many thanks to David Morton for his much welcomed support during this difficult time.

So... here we are. Back again..

I REALLY hope this is true!



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AN ACTUAL 'CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS' AD



To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T. <o></o>

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message. <o></o>​

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The even ing was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?! <o></o>​

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again]. <o></o>​

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! <o></o>​

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!] <o></o>​

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car. <o></o>​

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. <o></o>​

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.). <o></o>​

;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day! <o></o>​

Thoughtfully yours, <o></o>​

Alex <o></o>​

​

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>​

 

[Simon]

I wish it were true, sadly it's not...
snopes.com: Letter to Mugger

 

[David Morton]

But Simon, that's what we'd all like to do, given the chance !

 

[Simon]

Oh yes!

 

[Keith]

THIS IS NOT A JOKE!

Having failed to sell our house last year, we have decided to stay put for a while – but have it extended to enhance its value.


We therefore applied for planning permission for a major extension that would make the house 100ft tall and 400ft wide with nine turrets at various heights complete with windows all over the place.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

. :veryangry::veryangry:

 

[Jack]

I knew there was a reason that I liked you Keith!

 

[Keith]

Someone has to Jack, someone has to...:shrug:

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

"A young jockey and his stable lass girlfriend make the decision to get married. Everything is planned and the couple intend to honeymoon in Italy for a week. The marriage goes without a hitch and the couple set off on their honeymoon. While checking in the lady behind the desk asks 'We have two suites available for you, would you like the bridal?' 'No thanks says the jockey I'll just hold her ears till she gets the hang of it!""

 

[Nick]

deleted

 

[Garry]

Two Navy Chiefs are getting shit-faced at the Club when suddenly one of 'em throws up all over himself.

"Damn, now my wife will kill me!"

The other chief says, "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you $20.00 dollars to have it dry-cleaned."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually they stumble out and go home and this Chief's wife starts to chew his ass out.





"You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, the chief says, "Now way a mint, I can splain everthin. Ish snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thish damn Marine ga ssick on me. He had one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says,"But this is forty bucks.'

Oh, yeah I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too.


Garry

 

[Gary]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

A Fairy tale.

Once upon a time, a guy asked a beautiful girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and owned lots of cars and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted and always had the remote.

The end