Jokes anyone? -

[Simon]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; then she pushed her ankle and screamed and screamed. Everywhere she touched herself made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.


When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.


In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.


When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.


When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but had no direction. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.


When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.


I am now older and wiser, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

 

[Kevin Box]

Ear Infection

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to
answer in front of others what's wrong and
sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's
receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong
with you in a room full of other patients. I know
most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it..

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded
waiting room and approached the desk.
The receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are
you seeing the doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said,
'you shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I
told you,' he said.

The receptionist replied; 'now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.

The man replied, 'you shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is
wrong with your ear, sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!


n

 

[Kevin Box]

The dentist visit

The dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.

'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.

"I can't do the gas thing.. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection," the patient says. "'I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra."

The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

 

[David Lowe]

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME &
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you .. you have no legs!
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,

'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'

 

[Kevin Box]

Guess the picture says it all !!!!




KevinB

 

[Bill Musarra]

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

<TABLE border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%"><TBODY><TR><TD colSpan=2><HR></TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=2>A man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem,
as he was unable to get his manhood erect.

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the
base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there
was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental
treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk. The treatment
consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephants trunk into his 'old fella'.

The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through
life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance
that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and
try out his newly renovated
equipment.

As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took
her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he
felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being
extremely painful.. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his
knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll
and returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face
said, 'That was incredible! can you do that again?'

With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if
another bread roll will fit up my a*se'</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

 

[Garry]

Pete! Hahahaha!

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat
down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept
looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, ' It's golf balls ' .
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time,
deeply thinking about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer,
she asked;


'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?

 

[Ian Anderson]

YouTube - Paracetamoxyfrusebendroneomycin

The "broke" Government's answer

Ian

 

[Simon]

Brilliant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Ian Anderson]

The England team visited an orphanage in Cape Town today.



" Its heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope" said Jamal aged 6

 

[Ian Anderson]

Or this?


All together now, roughly in time to 'Three Lions'
Original Lyrics: David Baddiel/Frank Skinner; Music: Ian Broudie

They're coming home
They're coming home
They're coming
England's coming home
(x4)

We already know the score (0-0)
We've seen it all before
We just know
We're so sure

That England's gonna
Throw it all away
Gonna blow it all away
'Cos I know that they can't play
Cos' I remember

Three lions on the shirt
Jules Rimet ne're again
Nearly 50 Years of hurt
Nothing stops the pain

So many jokes, so many jeers
And all those never nears
Wear you down
Throughout the years

But I still see that
Tackle by Moore
And when Lineker scored
Bobby belting the ball
And Nobby dancing

This lot's not in their class
Nightclubs and chasing ass
Less of the game at their feet
More of in the pages of Heat

Three lions on the shirt
Jules Rimet ne're again
Nearly 50 Years of hurt
Nothing stops the pain

They say there's no 'I' in team
With this squad that's just a dream
Superstar multi-millionaires
Only good for shagging au pairs

They're coming home
They're coming home
They're coming
England's coming home
(x4)

 

[Keith]

I was amazed that we'd got this far before someone mentioned the bl**dy football, but since you have mentioned it Ian - I'm afraid it's much worse than we thought.

The England Team selection for tomorrrow's game has just beeen announced:

 

[Jay V]

The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Phoenix. He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Phoenix was full of pigeon poop. The people of Phoenix could not walk on the sidewalks, or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and sidewalks clean. ​

One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. "I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to the city. But you must promise not to ask me any questions, or you can pay me one million dollars to ask one question."


The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.

The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat and released a blue Pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue Arizona sky.

All the pigeons in Phoenix saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air behind the blue pigeon.

The Phoenix pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew southward out of the city.

The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop City Hall. The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Phoenix of the plague of pigeons.

Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 1 million dollars and told the man that indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE question.

The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE question.




Do you think The Mayor is going to ask how the blue pigeon led all the pigeons away? Do you think the Mayor is going to ask where all the pigeons went? Do you think he is going to ask where the man got the blue pigeon?


No, the mayor asked:

​

​

​

​

"Do you have a blue Mexican?" ​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

 

[Keith]

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten
black and Blue.
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to
do. Every time my husband comes
home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine
for that. When your husband comes home
drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea
and start swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don't swallow
until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes
back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!
Every time my husband came home drunk,
I swished with sweet tea. I swished and
swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: " There, now you see how much keeping your
mouth shut helps?"

 

[David Morton]

A group of male old school friends had just reached the ripe old age of 40 and decided to meet up for a reunion meal.

The organiser said - "I tell you what, let's go to La Francais because we've never been ther before and evidently the waitresses wear very revealing low-cut outfits!" So it was agreed.

For their 50th reunion, the organiser said - "How about going to La Francais it was good last time, the food's great and there's an excellent wine list". T'was agreed again.

For the 60th anniversary he said "Let's go back to La Francais - it's nice and quiet and pretty good value".

Came the 70th gathering and he contacted them all again suggesting "I think we should go to La Francais, there are no steps and the toilets are easy to get to".

Eventually came their 80th year celebration meal and he once again made contact with his mates - "How about having our
reunion dinner at La Francais - we've never been there before."

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at
work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and
hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed
the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly,

she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that
the little boy is in there.

After a little while the little boy says, "Dark in here.

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear
anything, let alone from a

little boy says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a football."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the
lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have football boots."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "OK How much
this time?"

Boy - "$750"

Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, "Grab your
boots and football, let's go

outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for and to who?"

The boy says, "To a friend of mine for a $1,000."

The father says, "That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging
your friend like that".

"That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going
to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sin."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in
the confession booth
and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here".

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again you little prick,
you're in my cupboard now"!!

 

[Bill Musarra]

Information you need to know:

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach.

A human hair can hold 3kg.

The length of the penis is three times the length of the thumb.

The femur is as hard as concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

Women blink twice as much as men.

We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand.

The woman has read this entire text. The man is still looking at his thumb.