You're a very naughty boy, David.
Jokes anyone? -
- Thread starter p thompson
- Start date
Charlie Farley
Supporter
Some of you might find this difficult to comprehend, but in this world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more of the people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten or ignored the importance of capitalisation.
For those of you who fall into this category, please take note:
"Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse. "
Now do you understand?
For those of you who fall into this category, please take note:
"Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse. "
Now do you understand?
JimmyMac
Lifetime Supporter
From a friend in Montana:
As a bagpiper I play many gigs.
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Montana backwoods. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical male, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.
I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family or friends. I played like I've never played before,......all for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept,......and we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently I was still lost. ………It's a man thing.
As a bagpiper I play many gigs.
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Montana backwoods. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical male, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.
I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family or friends. I played like I've never played before,......all for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept,......and we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently I was still lost. ………It's a man thing.
Last edited:
JimmyMac
Lifetime Supporter
Two Norfolk hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
Bill Shankly quotes
'Some people believe football is a matter of life and death, I am very disappointed with that attitude. I can assure you it is much, much more important than that.'
*****
'If you are first you are first. If you are second you are nothing.'
*****
'Liverpool was made for me and I was made for Liverpool.'
*****
'The trouble with referees is that they know the rules, but they don't know the game.'
*****
'Son, you'll do well here as long as you remember two things. Don't over-eat and don't lose your accent.' - to Ian St John when he signed for Liverpool.
*****
To a journalist who suggested Liverpool were struggling - 'Ay, here we are with problems at the top of the league.'
*****
Talking to a reporter about Roger Hunt - 'Yes Roger Hunt misses a few, but he gets in the right place to miss them.'
*****
Explaining to Kevin Keegan what's expected of him at Anfield - 'Just go out and drop a few hand grenades all over the place son!'
*****
'I know this is a sad occasion, but I think that Dixie would be amazed to know that even in death he could draw a bigger crowd to Goodison than Everton on a Saturday afternoon.' - speaking at the funeral of Everton legend Dixie Dean
*****
'If Everton were playing at the bottom of the garden, I'd pull the curtains.'
*****
'Sickness would not have kept me away from this one. If I'd been dead, I would have had them bring the casket to the ground, prop it up in the stands, and cut a hole in the lid.' - after beating Everton in the 1971 FA Cup semi-final.
*****
Addressing the Liverpool fans who turned up in their thousands to welcome the team home despite losing to Arsenal in the 1971 FA Cup final - 'Chairman Mao has never seen a greater show of red strength.'
*****
After signing Ron Yeats - 'With him in defence, we could play Arthur Askey in goal.'
*****
To Alan Ball after he'd signed for Everton - 'Never mind Alan, at least you'll be able to play next to a great team.'
*****
To Tommy Smith after he'd turned up for training with a bandaged knee - 'Take that poof bandage off, and what do you mean YOUR knee, it's LIVERPOOL'S knee!'
*****
To the players after failing to sign Lou Macari - 'I only wanted him for the reserves anyway.'
*****
To Ian St John - 'If you're not sure what to do with the ball, just pop it in the net and we'll discuss your options afterwards.'
*****
'In my time at Anfield we always said we had the best two teams on Merseyside - Liverpool and Liverpool reserves.'
*****
About the 'This is Anfield' plaque - 'This is to remind our lads who they're playing for, and to remind the opposition who they're playing against.'
*****
'Of course I didn't take my wife to see Rochdale as an anniversary present. It was her birthday amd would I have got married during the football season? Anyway, it was Rochdale reserves.'
*****
Shankly to the Brussels hotel clerk who queried his signing 'Anfield' as his address on the hotel register - 'But that's where I live.'
*****
Shankly explaining rotation to a reporter - 'Laddie, I never drop players, I only make changes.'
*****
Comparing the Anfield pitch to other grounds - 'It's great grass at Anfield, professional grass!'
*****
'The difference between Everton and the Queen Mary is that Everton carry more passengers!'
*****
To a local barber, who in 1968 had asked 'Anything off the top? Shanks retorted - 'Aye, Everton!'
*****
On awaiting Everton's arrival for a derby game at Anfield, Shankly gave a box of toilet rolls to the doorman and said - 'Give them these when they arrive - they'll need them!'
*****
'I always look in the Sunday paper to see where Everton are in the league - starting, of course, from the bottom up.'
*****
To Chris Lawler during a training session at Melwood - 'Was it a goal? Was I offside?' Lawler replied - 'You were boss.' Shanks then quipped - 'Christ, son, you've been here four years, hardly said a word and, when you do, it's a bloody lie!'
*****
To Tommy Smith during training - 'You son, could start a riot in a graveyard.'
*****
'There's Man. Utd and Man. City at the bottom of Division 1, and by God they'll take some shifting.'
*****
'It's a 90 minute game for sure. In fact I used to train for a 190 minute game so that when the whistle blew at the end of the match I could have played another 90 minutes.'
*****
On a wartime Scotland v England match - 'We absolutely annihilated England. It was a massacre. We beat them 5-4.'
*****
After losing to Ajax in the 1967 European Cup - 'We cannae play these defensive continental sides!'
Shanks and Tommy Docherty were at a game. There was a player every other club coveted on view. Docherty said to Shanks - '100,000 wouldn't buy him.' Shanks retorted - 'Yeah, and I'm one of the 100,000!'
*****
What Shanks disliked about football - 'The end of the season.'
*****
Radio Merseyside reporter to Shankly - 'Mr Shankly, why is it that your teams' unbeaten run has suddenly ended?' Shanks replied: 'Why don't you go and jump in the lake?'
*****
On hearing a rival manager was unwell - 'I know what's wrong - he's got a bad side!'
*****
To reporters after a 3-0 defeat - 'They're nothing but rubbish. Three breakaways, that's all they got.'
*****
Talking about Tommy Smith - 'If he isn't named Footballer of the Year, football should be stopped and the men who picked any other player should be sent to the Kremlin.'
*****
To a translator, when being surrounded by gesticulating Italian journalists - 'Just tell them I completely disagree with everything they say!'
*****
After winning the FA Cup in 1974 Shankly goes into a fish and chip shop and orders a fish supper. The woman at the counter asks - 'Mr Shankly, shouldn't they be having steak suppers?' Shanks replied - 'No lass, they'll get steak suppers when they win the double!'
*****
To the Anfield PA during a match - 'Jesus Christ, son, can ye no' talk into that microphone when the players are in the penalty box. You're putting them off, you're doing more damage than the opposition.'
*****
Shankly on boardroom meetings - 'At a football club, there's a holy trinity - the players, the manager and the supporters. Directors don't come into it. They are only there to sign the cheques.'
*****
Talking about the Liverpool fans - 'I'm just one of the people who stands on the kop. They think the same as I do, and I think the same as they do. It's a kind of marriage of people who like each other.'
*****
Explaining on what the off-side rule should be - 'If a player is not interfering with play or seeking to gain an advantage, then he should be.'
*****
'I was only in the game for the love of football - and I wanted to bring back happiness to the people of Liverpool.'
*****
'"If you can't make decisions in life, you're a bloody menace. You'd be better becoming an MP!'
*****
When told he had never experienced playing in a derby - 'Nonsense! I've kicked every ball, headed out every cross. I once scored a hat-trick; One was lucky, but the others were great goals.'
*****
After a 0-0 draw at Anfield - 'What can you do playing against 11 goalposts!'
Waxing lyrical about Ian Callaghan - 'He typifies everything that is good in football, and he has never changed. You could stake your life on Ian.'
*****
'Fire in your belly comes from pride and passion in wearing the red shirt. We don't need to motivate players because each of them is responsible for the performance of the team as a whole. The status of Liverpool's players keeps them motivated.'
*****
'Football is a simple game based on the giving and taking of passes, of controlling the ball and of making yourself available to receive a pass. It is terribly simple.'
*****
On the leaving of Liverpool - 'It was the most difficult thing in the world, when I went to tell the chairman. It was like walking to the electric chair. That's the way it felt.'
'Some people believe football is a matter of life and death, I am very disappointed with that attitude. I can assure you it is much, much more important than that.'
*****
'If you are first you are first. If you are second you are nothing.'
*****
'Liverpool was made for me and I was made for Liverpool.'
*****
'The trouble with referees is that they know the rules, but they don't know the game.'
*****
'Son, you'll do well here as long as you remember two things. Don't over-eat and don't lose your accent.' - to Ian St John when he signed for Liverpool.
*****
To a journalist who suggested Liverpool were struggling - 'Ay, here we are with problems at the top of the league.'
*****
Talking to a reporter about Roger Hunt - 'Yes Roger Hunt misses a few, but he gets in the right place to miss them.'
*****
Explaining to Kevin Keegan what's expected of him at Anfield - 'Just go out and drop a few hand grenades all over the place son!'
*****
'I know this is a sad occasion, but I think that Dixie would be amazed to know that even in death he could draw a bigger crowd to Goodison than Everton on a Saturday afternoon.' - speaking at the funeral of Everton legend Dixie Dean
*****
'If Everton were playing at the bottom of the garden, I'd pull the curtains.'
*****
'Sickness would not have kept me away from this one. If I'd been dead, I would have had them bring the casket to the ground, prop it up in the stands, and cut a hole in the lid.' - after beating Everton in the 1971 FA Cup semi-final.
*****
Addressing the Liverpool fans who turned up in their thousands to welcome the team home despite losing to Arsenal in the 1971 FA Cup final - 'Chairman Mao has never seen a greater show of red strength.'
*****
After signing Ron Yeats - 'With him in defence, we could play Arthur Askey in goal.'
*****
To Alan Ball after he'd signed for Everton - 'Never mind Alan, at least you'll be able to play next to a great team.'
*****
To Tommy Smith after he'd turned up for training with a bandaged knee - 'Take that poof bandage off, and what do you mean YOUR knee, it's LIVERPOOL'S knee!'
*****
To the players after failing to sign Lou Macari - 'I only wanted him for the reserves anyway.'
*****
To Ian St John - 'If you're not sure what to do with the ball, just pop it in the net and we'll discuss your options afterwards.'
*****
'In my time at Anfield we always said we had the best two teams on Merseyside - Liverpool and Liverpool reserves.'
*****
About the 'This is Anfield' plaque - 'This is to remind our lads who they're playing for, and to remind the opposition who they're playing against.'
*****
'Of course I didn't take my wife to see Rochdale as an anniversary present. It was her birthday amd would I have got married during the football season? Anyway, it was Rochdale reserves.'
*****
Shankly to the Brussels hotel clerk who queried his signing 'Anfield' as his address on the hotel register - 'But that's where I live.'
*****
Shankly explaining rotation to a reporter - 'Laddie, I never drop players, I only make changes.'
*****
Comparing the Anfield pitch to other grounds - 'It's great grass at Anfield, professional grass!'
*****
'The difference between Everton and the Queen Mary is that Everton carry more passengers!'
*****
To a local barber, who in 1968 had asked 'Anything off the top? Shanks retorted - 'Aye, Everton!'
*****
On awaiting Everton's arrival for a derby game at Anfield, Shankly gave a box of toilet rolls to the doorman and said - 'Give them these when they arrive - they'll need them!'
*****
'I always look in the Sunday paper to see where Everton are in the league - starting, of course, from the bottom up.'
*****
To Chris Lawler during a training session at Melwood - 'Was it a goal? Was I offside?' Lawler replied - 'You were boss.' Shanks then quipped - 'Christ, son, you've been here four years, hardly said a word and, when you do, it's a bloody lie!'
*****
To Tommy Smith during training - 'You son, could start a riot in a graveyard.'
*****
'There's Man. Utd and Man. City at the bottom of Division 1, and by God they'll take some shifting.'
*****
'It's a 90 minute game for sure. In fact I used to train for a 190 minute game so that when the whistle blew at the end of the match I could have played another 90 minutes.'
*****
On a wartime Scotland v England match - 'We absolutely annihilated England. It was a massacre. We beat them 5-4.'
*****
After losing to Ajax in the 1967 European Cup - 'We cannae play these defensive continental sides!'
Shanks and Tommy Docherty were at a game. There was a player every other club coveted on view. Docherty said to Shanks - '100,000 wouldn't buy him.' Shanks retorted - 'Yeah, and I'm one of the 100,000!'
*****
What Shanks disliked about football - 'The end of the season.'
*****
Radio Merseyside reporter to Shankly - 'Mr Shankly, why is it that your teams' unbeaten run has suddenly ended?' Shanks replied: 'Why don't you go and jump in the lake?'
*****
On hearing a rival manager was unwell - 'I know what's wrong - he's got a bad side!'
*****
To reporters after a 3-0 defeat - 'They're nothing but rubbish. Three breakaways, that's all they got.'
*****
Talking about Tommy Smith - 'If he isn't named Footballer of the Year, football should be stopped and the men who picked any other player should be sent to the Kremlin.'
*****
To a translator, when being surrounded by gesticulating Italian journalists - 'Just tell them I completely disagree with everything they say!'
*****
After winning the FA Cup in 1974 Shankly goes into a fish and chip shop and orders a fish supper. The woman at the counter asks - 'Mr Shankly, shouldn't they be having steak suppers?' Shanks replied - 'No lass, they'll get steak suppers when they win the double!'
*****
To the Anfield PA during a match - 'Jesus Christ, son, can ye no' talk into that microphone when the players are in the penalty box. You're putting them off, you're doing more damage than the opposition.'
*****
Shankly on boardroom meetings - 'At a football club, there's a holy trinity - the players, the manager and the supporters. Directors don't come into it. They are only there to sign the cheques.'
*****
Talking about the Liverpool fans - 'I'm just one of the people who stands on the kop. They think the same as I do, and I think the same as they do. It's a kind of marriage of people who like each other.'
*****
Explaining on what the off-side rule should be - 'If a player is not interfering with play or seeking to gain an advantage, then he should be.'
*****
'I was only in the game for the love of football - and I wanted to bring back happiness to the people of Liverpool.'
*****
'"If you can't make decisions in life, you're a bloody menace. You'd be better becoming an MP!'
*****
When told he had never experienced playing in a derby - 'Nonsense! I've kicked every ball, headed out every cross. I once scored a hat-trick; One was lucky, but the others were great goals.'
*****
After a 0-0 draw at Anfield - 'What can you do playing against 11 goalposts!'
Waxing lyrical about Ian Callaghan - 'He typifies everything that is good in football, and he has never changed. You could stake your life on Ian.'
*****
'Fire in your belly comes from pride and passion in wearing the red shirt. We don't need to motivate players because each of them is responsible for the performance of the team as a whole. The status of Liverpool's players keeps them motivated.'
*****
'Football is a simple game based on the giving and taking of passes, of controlling the ball and of making yourself available to receive a pass. It is terribly simple.'
*****
On the leaving of Liverpool - 'It was the most difficult thing in the world, when I went to tell the chairman. It was like walking to the electric chair. That's the way it felt.'
The wisdom of an old Marine.
Commandant of the Marine Corps, General Al Gray, a crusty old 'Field
Marine', loved his Marines and often slipped into the mess hall wearing
a faded old field jacket without any rank or insignia on it. He would go
through the chow line just like a private. In this way, he was assured of being
given the same rations that the lowest enlisted man received. Woe be it to
the mess officer if the food was found to be unfit in quality or quantity.
Upon becoming Commandant, General Gray was expected to do a great deal
of 'formal entertaining'...fancy dinner parties in full dress blue uniform. Now,
the General would rather have been in the field eating cold 'C-rats'
around a fighting hole with a bunch of young 'hard charging' Marines.
But the General knew his duty and as a Marine he was determined to do it to the
best of his ability.
During these formal parties, a detachment of highly polished Marines from
'Eighth and Eye' (Marine Barracks located at 8th and I Streets in Washington,
D.C., home of the Silent Drill Team) were detailed to assume the position of
'parade rest' at various intervals around the ballroom where the festivities
were being held.
At some point during one of these affairs, a very refined, blue-haired lady picked
up a tray of pastries and went around the room offering confections to the guests.
When she noticed these Marines in dress blues, standing like sculptures all
around the room, she was moved with admiration. She knew that several of these
men were fresh from our victory in Kuwait. She made a beeline for the closest
Lance Corporal, drew near him and asked, 'Would you like pastry young man?'
The young Marine snapped to 'attention' and replied, "I don't eat that shit, Ma'am."
Just as quickly, he resumed the position of 'parade rest.' His gaze remained fixed
on some distant point throughout the exchange.
The fancy lady was completely taken aback! She blinked, her eyes widened,
her mouth dropped open. So startled was she that she immediately began to doubt
what she had heard. In a quivering voice she asked, "W-W-What did you say?"
The Marine snapped back to the position of 'attention' (like the arm of a mousetrap
smacking its wooden base). Then he said, '"I don't eat that shit, Ma'am."
And just as smartly as before, back to the position of 'parade rest' he went.
This time, there was no doubt. The fancy lady immediately became incensed
and felt insulted. After all, here she was an important lady, taking the time to
offer something nice to this enlisted man (well below her station in life), and
he had the nerve to say THAT to HER! She exclaimed "Well! I never...!"
The lady remembered that she had met that military man in charge of all
these 'soldiers' earlier. She spotted General Gray from across the room.
He had a cigar clenched between his teeth and a camouflaged canteen cup full of
bourbon in his left hand. He was talking to a group of 1st and 2nd Lieutenants.
So blue haired lady went straight over to the Commandant and interrupted.
"General, I offered some pastry to that young man over there, and do you know
what he told me?"
General Gray cocked his eyebrow, took the cigar out of his mouth and said,
"Well, no Ma'am, I don't."
The lady took in a deep breath, confident that she was adequately expressing
with her body language her considerable rage and indignation. As she wagged
her head in cadence with her words, and she paused between each word for effect,
She said, "I - don't - eat - that - shit - Ma'am!''
The lieutenants were in a state of near apoplexy. A couple of them choked back chuckles,
and turned their heads to avoid having their smirks detected. The next thought that most
of them had was, 'God, I hope it wasn't one of MY Marines!' and the color left their faces.
General Gray wrinkled his brow, cut his eyes in the direction of the lieutenants,
put his free hand to his chin and muttered a subdued, "Hmmm
Which one did you say it was Ma'am?," the General asked.
"That tall sturdy one right over there near the window, General," the woman
said with smug satisfaction. One of the lieutenants began to look sick and put a
hand on the wall for support. General Gray, seemed deep in thought, hand still
to his chin, wrinkled brow. Suddenly, he looked up and his expression changed to one
indicating he had made a decision.
He looked the fancy lady right in the eyes and said, "Well, fuck him!
Don't give him any."
Commandant of the Marine Corps, General Al Gray, a crusty old 'Field
Marine', loved his Marines and often slipped into the mess hall wearing
a faded old field jacket without any rank or insignia on it. He would go
through the chow line just like a private. In this way, he was assured of being
given the same rations that the lowest enlisted man received. Woe be it to
the mess officer if the food was found to be unfit in quality or quantity.
Upon becoming Commandant, General Gray was expected to do a great deal
of 'formal entertaining'...fancy dinner parties in full dress blue uniform. Now,
the General would rather have been in the field eating cold 'C-rats'
around a fighting hole with a bunch of young 'hard charging' Marines.
But the General knew his duty and as a Marine he was determined to do it to the
best of his ability.
During these formal parties, a detachment of highly polished Marines from
'Eighth and Eye' (Marine Barracks located at 8th and I Streets in Washington,
D.C., home of the Silent Drill Team) were detailed to assume the position of
'parade rest' at various intervals around the ballroom where the festivities
were being held.
At some point during one of these affairs, a very refined, blue-haired lady picked
up a tray of pastries and went around the room offering confections to the guests.
When she noticed these Marines in dress blues, standing like sculptures all
around the room, she was moved with admiration. She knew that several of these
men were fresh from our victory in Kuwait. She made a beeline for the closest
Lance Corporal, drew near him and asked, 'Would you like pastry young man?'
The young Marine snapped to 'attention' and replied, "I don't eat that shit, Ma'am."
Just as quickly, he resumed the position of 'parade rest.' His gaze remained fixed
on some distant point throughout the exchange.
The fancy lady was completely taken aback! She blinked, her eyes widened,
her mouth dropped open. So startled was she that she immediately began to doubt
what she had heard. In a quivering voice she asked, "W-W-What did you say?"
The Marine snapped back to the position of 'attention' (like the arm of a mousetrap
smacking its wooden base). Then he said, '"I don't eat that shit, Ma'am."
And just as smartly as before, back to the position of 'parade rest' he went.
This time, there was no doubt. The fancy lady immediately became incensed
and felt insulted. After all, here she was an important lady, taking the time to
offer something nice to this enlisted man (well below her station in life), and
he had the nerve to say THAT to HER! She exclaimed "Well! I never...!"
The lady remembered that she had met that military man in charge of all
these 'soldiers' earlier. She spotted General Gray from across the room.
He had a cigar clenched between his teeth and a camouflaged canteen cup full of
bourbon in his left hand. He was talking to a group of 1st and 2nd Lieutenants.
So blue haired lady went straight over to the Commandant and interrupted.
"General, I offered some pastry to that young man over there, and do you know
what he told me?"
General Gray cocked his eyebrow, took the cigar out of his mouth and said,
"Well, no Ma'am, I don't."
The lady took in a deep breath, confident that she was adequately expressing
with her body language her considerable rage and indignation. As she wagged
her head in cadence with her words, and she paused between each word for effect,
She said, "I - don't - eat - that - shit - Ma'am!''
The lieutenants were in a state of near apoplexy. A couple of them choked back chuckles,
and turned their heads to avoid having their smirks detected. The next thought that most
of them had was, 'God, I hope it wasn't one of MY Marines!' and the color left their faces.
General Gray wrinkled his brow, cut his eyes in the direction of the lieutenants,
put his free hand to his chin and muttered a subdued, "Hmmm
Which one did you say it was Ma'am?," the General asked.
"That tall sturdy one right over there near the window, General," the woman
said with smug satisfaction. One of the lieutenants began to look sick and put a
hand on the wall for support. General Gray, seemed deep in thought, hand still
to his chin, wrinkled brow. Suddenly, he looked up and his expression changed to one
indicating he had made a decision.
He looked the fancy lady right in the eyes and said, "Well, fuck him!
Don't give him any."
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
Now if he was in command of my platoon I'd follow.
Charlie Farley
Supporter
A couple, both 67, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor
asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch
us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. The doctor examined
them and then directed them to disrobe and go at it. When
the couple finished, the doctor reexamined them and, upon
completion, advised the couple, "There's nothing wrong with
the way you have intercourse." He then charged them $32.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make
an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems
other than the lack of vigor which is to be expected in 67
year olds, get dressed, pay the doctor, and then leave.
Finally after almost two months of this routine, the doctor
asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "Oh, we're not trying to find out anything.
She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married, so
we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The
Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32 and I get $28 back
from Medicaid.
asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch
us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. The doctor examined
them and then directed them to disrobe and go at it. When
the couple finished, the doctor reexamined them and, upon
completion, advised the couple, "There's nothing wrong with
the way you have intercourse." He then charged them $32.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make
an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems
other than the lack of vigor which is to be expected in 67
year olds, get dressed, pay the doctor, and then leave.
Finally after almost two months of this routine, the doctor
asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "Oh, we're not trying to find out anything.
She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married, so
we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The
Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32 and I get $28 back
from Medicaid.
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."
Ian Anderson
Lifetime Supporter
Paul McCarthy is a already upset with his new wife.
Apparantly she is spending twice as much money on shoes as the last wife.
Apparantly she is spending twice as much money on shoes as the last wife.
Ian Anderson
Lifetime Supporter
Paul McCarthy? The Artist?
I love autocorrect!
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
A couple was invited to a swanky costume party.
Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He - being a devoted husband - protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him, and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished... naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.
He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
- "Did you dance much ?"
- "You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."
Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He - being a devoted husband - protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him, and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished... naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.
He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
- "Did you dance much ?"
- "You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."
A cowboy named Bud A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page onthe Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page onthe Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog.
