Jokes anyone? -

Keith

Moderator
For Americans only: You've got to say it out loud phonetically as written.

(Apologies to all sweaties)

Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "Ar've got everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".

Archie nods approvingly.

"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. What's the tartan?...."

"Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white.”
 

Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
Jeff young, thought you might enjoy this.

The joy the English language - I feel sure you guys will enjoy this well argued case, reminiscent of the language of Sir Winston Churchill. Maybe I am biased, but, for me, the judgment is the icing on the cake.

A well-argued court case.....

The beauty of a language and the art of constructing the words of the language significantly lead to their meaning. This is not a case of twisting, but of the refined manner of presentation by witty minds. A good case for reference.

One evening, after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250 to spend the night with that woman."


Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard their remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."

She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment. The following morning, as he prepared to leave, the man gave her $125. She demanded the rest of the money, stating, "If you don't give me the other $125 I'll sue you for it."

He laughed, saying "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds." Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."

After the usual preliminaries, the lady's Lawyer addressed the court as follows:
"Your Honour, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."

The defendant's Lawyer was not only surprised but also impressed AND amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. Naturally, his defence was somewhat different from the way he had originally planned to present it. He rose to the occasion!

'Your Honour," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."

The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your Honour, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."

In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the balance $125 to the plaintiff, or have the equipment detached from its current location and provided to the plaintiff for damages."

The defendant wrote out a cheque immediately
 

Mike Pass

Supporter
Reminds me of a true story. A local lady teacher had a class of six year olds. It was November and they had been doing a project about autumn and so she took the class out to the local park to look at all the fallen leaves. When they arrived at the park she told the children to look around them. "Now children. Look around and tell me what you see." One of the little girls raised her hand and said "Dogshit Miss".
 
Larry



A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'
After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up.

The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?'
'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'



Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked.
'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'




The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?'
Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'




Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
'Yes,' the photo of a wanted person.
'Yes,' said the policeman.
'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'
Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"




Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'
His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the Postman wants to buy Mom ...'




If this brightened your day, don't let it stop here.
Pass it on with a smile.
Keep spreading the cheer!
Pass
 
Reminds me of a true story. A local lady teacher had a class of six year olds. It was November and they had been doing a project about autumn and so she took the class out to the local park to look at all the fallen leaves. When they arrived at the park she told the children to look around them. "Now children. Look around and tell me what you see." One of the little girls raised her hand and said "Dogshit Miss".

Mike,

True ones can be the best. :)

Got a lot of true stories from my wife, as a reception teacher, my favourite that caused much merriment in the staff room.

Five year olds have a tendency to report any rude words to teacher, examples being, (names changed to protect the not so innocent) Miss Jonny just said Bum, Miss Sarah just said pooh.

So when John started with “Miss Pete just said”…., my wife expected one of the usual, so was somewhat taken aback to be hit with “why don’t you piss off you fucking bastard”

My other favourite one was the doctor’s daughter who was adamant that she was going to write her news of the day in her book which was “Mummy and daddy had a bath together last night”. She was dreading parents evening that year.
 
20 Questions... <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:eek:ffice:eek:ffice" /><o:p></o:p>
<HR style="COLOR: #0d1c31" align=center SIZE=1 width="100%" noShade>
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in...what happens to the other penny?

8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

20. Whatever happened to Preparations A through to G?<o:p></o:p>
 

Pat

Supporter
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
-Lynn Lavner
 
Norwegian Virgin

Olof Swenson, out in his pasture in Northern Minnesota, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow... right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.

As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
Â
He : How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance Lena , is still a Virgin - in every vay.�

The doctor told him Olof, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal & keep it straight.
It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you can.

He took four tongue depressors & formed a neat little 4 sided splint & taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.

Olof mentioned none of this to Lena, married her & they went on their honeymoon to Duluth .
That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts.

She said: Olof.. you're the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez.

Olof immediately dropped his pants & replied:

Oh yah .. Look at dis Lena ..... still in DA CRATE!
 

Peter Delaney

GT40s Supporter
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Larry L.

Lifetime Supporter
<TABLE id=yui_3_16_0_1_1416391435817_2174 class=yiv3482442207MsoNormalTable style="WIDTH: 99.5%; MARGIN-LEFT: 0.1in; MARGIN-RIGHT: 0.1in" cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="99%" align=left border=0> <TBODY id=yui_3_16_0_1_1416391435817_2173> <TR id=yui_3_16_0_1_1416391435817_2172> <TD id=yui_3_16_0_1_1416391435817_2171 style="WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-BOTTOM: 1.5pt; PADDING-TOP: 1.5pt; PADDING-LEFT: 1.5pt; PADDING-RIGHT: 1.5pt" width="100%">Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got our dogs with us." The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch me and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Doberman?" The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog".

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua?
Are you serious? You mean they gave me a flippin' Chihuahua?"
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>






 
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing
 

Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
Bruce comes home from the pub and sees Sheila watching Gordon Ramsay's F%*#ing cooking show on the telly.
Bruce says; "What are you watching that shit for? You can't cook to save your life!."
To which Sheila replies; "So what? You watch porn movies, don’t you?
 
His name was Bubba, he was from Texas ... And he needed a loan, So...
He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan
Officer.

He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an
International redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow
$5,000, and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan,
so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was
parked on the street in front of the bank.

The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh
at the Redneck from the Texas for using a $250,000 Ferrari as
collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the
bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the
interest of 23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to
have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very
nicely, but we are a little puzzled.

While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a distinguished alumni from Texas A & M, a highly sophisticated investor and multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my
car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

His name was BUBBA.... Keep an eye on those Texas boys!
<!-- / message --><!-- sig -->
 

Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat,
watching the front door of the brothel over the road.
The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.
"Would you look at that !" says the first Irishman.
"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are ?"
No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door,
knocks, and goes inside.
"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats !"
They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi, when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.
"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman.
"One of the girls must have died.
 
Kevin had shingles.

Here's what happened to Kevin:

Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had....
Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.
Kevin said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload them?’
 

David Lowe

Lifetime Supporter
A circus owner runs an advert for a ‘lion tamer wanted’ and two people show up.

One is a retired golfer in his late-sixties and the other is a drop-dead, gorgeous brunette with a killer body in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history."

"Here's your equipment -- a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The gorgeous brunette says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. As he gets close, the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat revealing her beautiful, perfect naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss every inch of her body for several minutes, then lays down and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor!! He says, "That's amazing! I've never seen anything like that in my life!"

He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies, "Possibly...but you've got to get that lion out of there first."
 

David Morton

Lifetime Supporter
During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force Pilot was seated
next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during
the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered.
his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed,
"And all these years, I've been chewing gum."
 
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