Jokes anyone? -

[Pete McCluskey.]

Subject: MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE


>
>
>
> A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
>
> 'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines
enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
>
> Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures
outlined below when accessing their accounts.
>
> After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been
developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'
> *******************************
> MALE PROCEDURE:
> 1. Drive up to the cash machine.
> 2. Put down your car window.
> 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
> 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
> 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
> 6. Put window up.
> 7. Drive off.
>
> *******************************
>
> FEMALE PROCEDURE:
> (What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!!!!)
>
> 1. Drive up to cash machine.
> 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the
machine.
> 3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
> 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
> 5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
> 6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
> 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the car.
> 8. Insert card.
> 9. Re-insert card the right way.
> 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside
back page.
> 11. Enter PIN.
> 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
> 13. Enter amount of cash required.
> 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
> 15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
> 16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
> 17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of
check book.
> 18. Re-check makeup.
> 19. Drive forward 2 feet.
> 20. Reverse back to cash machine.
> 21. Retrieve card.
> 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot
provided!
> 23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
> 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
> 25. Re-dial person on cell phone.
> 26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
> 27. Release Parking Brake.
>

 

[David Lowe]

Not a bad come back line!!




A divorced man meets his ex-wife's new husband at a party.

Later, after knocking back a few drinks, he goes over to the new bloke and asks him: 'So... How do you like using second hand stuff?'

The new husband replies: 'It isn't that bad. Past the first 3 inches it's all brand new.'

 

[Jim Rosenthal]

Love it.

 

[Ian Anderson]

A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.


Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...pathetically all in the name of humour!"


The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:


"You stay out of this!
I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."

 

[Brian Kissel]

50 Years Together


Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.



"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Son No.1.
'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."



"Not to worry," said the father.
"Important thing is we're all together today."


Son No. 2 arrived. "You and Mom look great, Dad.
I just flew in from LA between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."


"It's nothing," said the father.
"We're glad you were able to come."


Just then the daughter arrived.


"Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."


After they had finished dessert, the father said,
"There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.


"You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college.
Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."


The three children gasped and said,
"WHAT? You mean we 're bastards?"


"Yep", said the father, ............ "Cheap ones too..."

 

[Jim Rosenthal]

Two of the best I've seen in ages.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Shades of frustration.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

AUSTRALIAN MEN Vs JAPANESE

On average, an Australian man under 75 will have sex two to three times a week, whereas a Japanese man the same age will have sex only one or two times a year.
This is very upsetting news to most of my friends as they had no idea they were Japanese

 

[John]

Brian, another twist to that theme is an oldy my father told me years ago.

i young man has a very good win on the national lottery, gets all excited at the prospect of having all this new found wealth, so he rushes home to tell his parents

"Mom Dad" he yell as he enters "Guess what, i just won a million quid on the lottery"
"oh thats very nice" says mom "what are you going to do with all that money"
"well" he thinks," i'lL give you and pah a pound"
"A pound, a lousy pound, what are you going to do with all the rest", exclaims pah
"Well I might buy a car, then a house, travel over seas, then come back and get married and have a family, what you going to do with your pound pah"
the old man looked him straight in the eye and said,

"Son, i might marry your mother"

with apologies to Tommy Trinder.

cheers John

 

[Robert S.]

What If …

 

[Bill Musarra]

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail
through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole
family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift
certificate.
At the second house they presented him with box of fine imported cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing
lures.
At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations,
farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values.

At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young
blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him
through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up stairs to the
bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison. Afterwards, they went
downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham,
sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was
truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was
pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom
edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, ".....but what's
the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your
last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what
to give you?"

He said, "...Fuck him..give him a dollar."
The blonde then blushed and said, "....But the breakfast was my idea."

 

[Randy V]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.


"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife .
They carry on shopping.
A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."

That's him on Aisle 5

 

[Ron Poast]

A cop pulled me over because I was speeding. He said you should drive the speed limit all the time not just when I'm behind you. By the way where are you going so fast? Well I guess I should not admit where I'm going but I'm going down to the airport to take a flying lesson. True story!!! After a good laugh he let me go.

 

[Ron Poast]

A city slicker stopped at his farmer friend"s place for a visit one day. After a while the farmer said, hey, I want to show you something special. He took the slicker over to the hog pen and said, just look at that hog. He's the best hog you will ever see. The slicker started to snicker and said, that hog only has 3 legs. The farmer said, Well--- you can't eat a good hog like that all at once.!!!!!

 

[John]

A little boy comes down for breakfast and his mother asks if he had done his chores. “Not yet,” says the little boy.
His mother tells him that until he completes them, he won't be getting any breakfast.
Well, he's a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks one. He goes to feed the cows, and kicks a cow as well. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.
“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk.”
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, “Are you going to tell him, or shall I?”

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

MARX MEETS A MUSLIM

Julia looked lovingly into Barack’s eyes, “You were right Barry, just ignore any dirty history, kick the can down the road and let the conservatives come across it later.” Barack leaned back rolling a joint, “Yeah babe, it’s amazing the unholy damage that can be done to future generations of little white dickheads, particularly when Hillary Clinton’s helping ya.”
“Yep, well I had a little white dickhead called Rudd to assist me with the damage”, said Julia, straightening her dress. “I mean, I can’t take all the credit, it was Rudd who opened our borders to kick the whole thing off, just like you have. I simply ran up the debt like you told me to, and now I just piss myself watching Abbott trying to fix it.”
Barack blew some smoke rings into the chandelier and handed the joint to Julia. “Well babe, the Republicans might have Congress and the Senate but I’ve still got the White House and once I’ve finished building these minarets on each end, Eric Holder promised me he can do a real pretty call to prayer. Can you imagine makin’ whoopee to that lilting refrain?”
“Not really”, said Julia, “my call to Marxism isn’t all that sexy.”
Barack got to his feet, “Marxism? I thought we were both working toward Islamism! Islam is the new world order babe. It’s all the go! Ain’t no such thing as a Marxist caliphate, babe!”
Julia looked despondent, “I’m not really into the religious stuff Barry.”
“Come over here”, said Barack, unfurling a mat on the floor. “Get down there and mutter Allahu Akbar a few times, I promise you you’ll start to feel this overpowering religious sensation tingling through your whole body.”
Julia tentatively got into position, “Good God Barry, you’re right. This beats the shit out of Marxism! Do you really get to do this five times a day?”
“Only when Michelle’s not around babe.

 

[Ron Poast]

I started on page 67 on jokes anyone. I wanted 69 but I could'nt find one.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

A Jewish Tie Salesman

A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.

The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment. I spit on your ties. I need water!"

"Sorry, I have none, just ties - pure silk, and only $5."

"Pahh! A curse on your ties! I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you but . . . I must conserve my energy and find water!"

"Okay," said the little old Jewish man. "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go In Peace."

Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away, over the hill.
Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead, and said, "They won't let me in without a tie. "

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Have You Ever Danced?

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio , Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."


There are two lessons for us all here:


Don't waste ammunition.
Don't mess with old people.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day. At the same street corner he passed a hooker standing there every day.

He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout.

"No! Five pounds!" He said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
She'd yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!"

He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband.

As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.
As they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.

Then, the hooker yelled:

"See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard!"