Paraprosdokian Competition...
- Thread starter Keith1
- Start date
Ian Anderson
Lifetime Supporter
Light travels faster than sound, that is why you think someone is bright till you hear them speak
Ian Anderson
Lifetime Supporter
Pain may last a minute, may last an hour, pain may last a year, if I quit however then that will last forever
Ian Anderson
Lifetime Supporter
I always take life with a pinch of salt........ And a slice of lemon...... And a shot of Tequila
Ian Anderson
Lifetime Supporter
Change is inevitable ..... Except from a vending machine.
Hospitality is making your guests feel like they’re at home even if you wish they were.
Silence is golden; duct tape is silver.
I tried drowning my sorrows, but they learned how to swim.
Silence is golden; duct tape is silver.
I tried drowning my sorrows, but they learned how to swim.
Jim Rosenthal
Supporter
"Suppose I were a politician; suppose I were an idiot. But- I repeat myself" (Mencken, I think)
And my favorite: Winston Churchill was seated across from an extremely plain woman at a dinner party. He peered over at her and said "Madam, you are by far the ugliest woman I have ever sat at dinner with.."
Outraged, she said, "Mr. Churchill! You, sir, are drunk!"
"Yes, madam," Churchill said. "But in the morning I will be sober, and you will STILL be ugly..."
And my favorite: Winston Churchill was seated across from an extremely plain woman at a dinner party. He peered over at her and said "Madam, you are by far the ugliest woman I have ever sat at dinner with.."
Outraged, she said, "Mr. Churchill! You, sir, are drunk!"
"Yes, madam," Churchill said. "But in the morning I will be sober, and you will STILL be ugly..."
Jim Rosenthal
Supporter
I would never join any club that would have ME as a member. (Groucho)
I've always liked that one Jim.
My favorite Churchill quip, still makes me laugh no matter how many times I hear it.
Nancy Astor: “Sir, if you were my husband, I would give you poison.”
Churchill: “If I were your husband I would take it.”
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
Vegetarian is an old Indian word meaning......Bad Hunter!
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
When you see a very beautiful women, remember some other guy thinks she's a bitch.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
When you see a very beautiful women, remember some other guy thinks she's a bitch.
I think that was Mark Twain's line, Jim (?)...not that it really matters for our purposes here.
'Nitpicky point, but, I believe it actually went like this(?): "Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself." Regardless, it's one of my personal faves!
...'Anyone know for sure who actually did say it...and how? lol!
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Mike Pass
Supporter
My grandfather would never buy a German car because of what happened in the war. Apparently between 1939 and 1945 he had a series of very unreliable Mercs.
My other grandfather would never throw anything away. Unfortunately he died in a grenade related accident.
My other grandfather died of massive head injuries. It seems that this is common occurrence for people with massive heads.
My other grandfather is old and can no longer do what he did before bless him. Apparently bombing the Japanese is no longer allowed.
My other grandfather was listed as a missing person. Or was he a hide and seek champion?
My other grandfather hated Uri Geller but found him surprisingly hard to stab.
My other grandfather was very disappointed when he went to see Walt Disney on ice. All he saw was some really old guy in a freezer.
My other grandfather used to send me lots of texts about his arthritis but they have stopped now.
My other grandfather was amazed by a porn video the other day. At the end the plumber fixed the washing machine.
My other grandfather was telling me about the uneasiness of kissing a woman who opened her eyes mid kiss. Shit he thought, she’s coming round.
My other grandfather can’t understand vegetarians. He says if we weren’t meant to eat animals why did God make them out of meat?
My other grandfather supplied filofaxes to the mafia. They were involved in very organised crime.
My other grandfather has an Israelli lodger. He makes sure he gets all his mail which is addressed to The Occupier.
My other grandfather drowned at sea. We made him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. It’s what he would have wanted.
My other grandfather had a cold caller at the door asking him if he wanted to change his energy supplier. He said no as he was going to stick with food.
My other grandfather sent an advent calendar to the local Jehova’s Witnesses. Behind every door it said fuck off I’m busy.
My other grandfather has got some really loud, obnoxious neighbours. He says he now knows how Canada feels.
My other grandfather said people laughed at him when he was young and said he wanted to be a comedian. They’re not laughing now.
My other grandfather won’t go camping in the country. He says that every body that they find is in a tent.
My other grandfather is always bragging about his new orthopaedic shoe but I think he’s just building it up too much.
My other grandfather looks a bit chinese and keeps saying "Why you no risten, Cookie Boy".
Cheers
Mike
My other grandfather would never throw anything away. Unfortunately he died in a grenade related accident.
My other grandfather died of massive head injuries. It seems that this is common occurrence for people with massive heads.
My other grandfather is old and can no longer do what he did before bless him. Apparently bombing the Japanese is no longer allowed.
My other grandfather was listed as a missing person. Or was he a hide and seek champion?
My other grandfather hated Uri Geller but found him surprisingly hard to stab.
My other grandfather was very disappointed when he went to see Walt Disney on ice. All he saw was some really old guy in a freezer.
My other grandfather used to send me lots of texts about his arthritis but they have stopped now.
My other grandfather was amazed by a porn video the other day. At the end the plumber fixed the washing machine.
My other grandfather was telling me about the uneasiness of kissing a woman who opened her eyes mid kiss. Shit he thought, she’s coming round.
My other grandfather can’t understand vegetarians. He says if we weren’t meant to eat animals why did God make them out of meat?
My other grandfather supplied filofaxes to the mafia. They were involved in very organised crime.
My other grandfather has an Israelli lodger. He makes sure he gets all his mail which is addressed to The Occupier.
My other grandfather drowned at sea. We made him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. It’s what he would have wanted.
My other grandfather had a cold caller at the door asking him if he wanted to change his energy supplier. He said no as he was going to stick with food.
My other grandfather sent an advent calendar to the local Jehova’s Witnesses. Behind every door it said fuck off I’m busy.
My other grandfather has got some really loud, obnoxious neighbours. He says he now knows how Canada feels.
My other grandfather said people laughed at him when he was young and said he wanted to be a comedian. They’re not laughing now.
My other grandfather won’t go camping in the country. He says that every body that they find is in a tent.
My other grandfather is always bragging about his new orthopaedic shoe but I think he’s just building it up too much.
My other grandfather looks a bit chinese and keeps saying "Why you no risten, Cookie Boy".
Cheers
Mike
