The Ashes 2010

[David Morton]

Just in - and don't shoot me as I didn't write it:

Q: What do you call an Australian with a champagne bottle in his hand.

A: A waiter

 

[David Morton]

In fact I think that last post was grossly unfair and could only have come from someone living in the Earls Court Area in London. I've just been told nearly all the restaurants and bars in that area are staffed by Australians as are all the customers. So as a generalisation if you are in Earls Court and having a glass of champagne, an Australian waiter would have been involved in bringing it to you.
Thanks for that Bruce.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

I just arrived in Steamboat Springs 27 hours door to door, but the snow is good and the natives friendly. And even better they don't know anything about cricket and I for one shan't be enlightening them.:sad:
Apparently Sydney emergency services have been flat out treating porky white skinned blokes wearing red and white and singing Rule Britannia and chanting Barmy army, for various complaints such as permanent hard ons, cramped facial muscles from smiling, alcoholic poisoning, and liver failure.
Some English reporters have been threatened with violence from Australians when they asked "can you count to three"? and "What do you think Ponting will do in retirement"? Or "do you know the name of the English opening bat who made more than 700 runs in this series"?

The charitable institution St.Vincent De Paul has reported a run on shirts to replace the ones the Aussies lost betting on their blokes who used to be able to play the noble game but have forgotten how.:veryangry:

AW well, anyone wanna bet on the next Ashes series. (I will need good odds):thumbsup:

And David my phone doesn't work here here but I have my Lap.

 

[David Morton]

Apparently Ponting, in his search for a new career, has just been turned down for a job as a Funeral Director.
Something to do with losing the Ashes.

 

[Gill]

:lol::lol::lol:

Somehow winning The Ashes makes the sunshine brighter, the wine more enjoyable, company better and life worth living - but apart from that nothing changes :thumbsup:

 

[David Morton]

The newspapers here are full of one liners about Australian cricket and some of the crazy songs from the Barmee Armee. This could go on and on.....

 

[Dalton Veitch]

Desperate times call for desperate measures. We'll analyse all the faults and stuff-ups, search the talent available, throw more money at training etc. (witness our Institute of Sport), and thrash you Poms next time. Meanwhile, enjoy the glory and well done.

 

[David Sturch]

Dalton,
You have to let them win once and a while.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

The newspapers here are full of one liners about Australian cricket and some of the crazy songs from the Barmee Armee. This could go on and on.....

David, I love the one liners, doesn't matter who against so please publish them we can take it. Here is one I got sent today.


A bloke walks into a brothel and says: "I'm a bit kinky, how much for total humiliation?"



The madam replies, "$60." "Wow, what do I get for that," he says. She says: "A baggy green cap and



an Australian Cricket Shirt."

 

[Keith]

I seem to remember many of these from England's past 24 years of humiliations. Still amusing though:


They keep coming I'm afraid.


Hello - Australian team dressing room
Hello mate...Can I speak to Ricky Ponting please.
Sorry mate - he's just gone out to bat
It's OK - I'll hold.
--------------------------------
Q: What is the main function of the Australia coach?
A: To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

Q: Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone in the Australian team?
A: The woman who ironed the cricket whites.

Q: Why don't Aussie fielders need pre-tour travel injections?
A: Because they never catch anything.

Q: What's the Aussie version of a hat trick?
A: Three runs in three balls.

Q: What do Aussie batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A: Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

Q: What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Australian batsmen?
A: The walk back to the pavilion.

Q: What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?
A: The entire Australian innings.

Q: What's the Australian version of LBW?
A: Lost, Beaten, Walloped.

Q: Why do Australians call their favourite drink XXXX?
A: Because they can't spell beer.


What do you call a world-class Australian cricketer?
Retired

What do you call an Aussie with a bottle of Champagne?
A waiter

What do you call an Australian who can hold a catch?
A fisherman

Why can no-one drink wine in Australia at the moment?
They haven't got any openers

What is the difference between Cinderella and the Ausies?
Cinderella knew when to leave the ball

What do you call an Aussie holding a six inch urn above his head?
The England bowling coach.

What do you call an Australian with a bat in his hand ?
A vet.

 

[Keith]

And.......


WHAT do you get if you cross the Australian cricket team with an OXO cube?
A laughing stock.

The Australian bobsleigh team have asked the Aussie cricket team for a meeting.
They want to ask their advice about going downhill so fast!

What's the difference between Ricky Ponting and a funeral director?
A funeral director doesn't keep losing the ashes.

What's the height of optimism? An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.

Why did the Aussie break his leg throwing a ball?
He forgot it was chained to his foot.

What's the difference between an Aussie batsman and a Formula 1 car?
Nothing! If you blink you'll miss them both.

Who has the easiest job in the Australian squad?
The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.

Why can't Australian blokes take their girlfriends to the cricket?
They eat all the grass.

What does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.

Heard the one about the Englishman who was stopped by Australian immigration officers at Sydney airport?
They asked him if he had a criminal record.
He replied: "I didn't know it was still necessary."

What's the difference between Ricky Ponting and a phoenix?
At the end of the ashes, the phoenix still has a future.

 

[Charlie Farley]

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical Answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy,

But Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club, and takes off all his Clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.

"No" said Billy,

"He plays cricket for Australia but I was just too embarrassed to say."

 

[David Morton]

I know it's a long time away yet but is anyone going to Trent Bridge on 30th July England V India 2nd day? My eldest daughter has got tickets for the two of us in the Radcliffe Road Stand (an alcoholics stand) [ yes - there are alcohol free stands as well]. Afterwards I can show here where the Dungeon Club used to be before we zoom back down to London for dinner.

 

[David Morton]

I just re read that. The stand is not an alcoholics stand - just that alcohol is permitted. I suppose we can take a Millenium Riserve or a Barolo. Or both.

 

[Dalton Veitch]

You can keep the Ashes, but can we get the urn back? We currently have a lot of water to bail out and we're running out of buckets .

 

[David Morton]

From AOL:

First T20: England Win Thriller Over Australia and Set World Record

Australia 157-4 (Watson 59, Yardy 2-28) England 158-9 (Morgan 43, Watson 4-15). England win by 1 wicket

Shane Watson starred with bat and ball at Adelaide but could not prevent England securing victory in the the last ball of the game and setting a new world record for consecutive wins in Twenty20 matches.

After top scoring with 59, Watson then took the key wicket of Eoin Morgan and followed it up by dismissing Michael Yardy with his next delivery.

He finished with four wickets for 15 runs but Chris Woakes struck the winning run to leave the hosts regretting missed chances early in England's reply to reach 158 and record their eighth T20 win on the bounce.

Australia's dreadful fielding in recent contests between the countries surfaced again in the first ball England's reply when Steve O'Keefe dropped Ian Bell with a straightforward chip to square-leg.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Hmmmm. No mention of the one day matches.:laugh:

 

[David Morton]

Quite right. No mention at all. On the TV news here it barely gets a mention, usually
after news of the village fetes. It's not the Ashes after all....
Don't you just love it - shovelling mud and hosing down and he gets time to mention Cricket - back to the banter !

 

[Graham]

One dayers??? What one dayers???

It's such an anti-climax after the five test matches. Maybe they should play the one dayers before the main event.

Even if we were winning, it would still be a damp squib

 

[Dalton Veitch]

The one dayers are fantastic. The players are less cautious and really let loose with some powerful batting. The best action you can get in a day (of the sports kind).