Guts or Balls?

[Pete McCluskey.]

We've all heard about people having "GUTS" or "BALLS" But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition is below.

GUTS-is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met at the front door by your wife brandishing a broom and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls- is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and booze, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say "YOUR NEXT." /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/beerchug.gif

 

OR ... A man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading. The man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

Wife says: "I think you'll find, that is a sheep."

Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep..."

OR ... "A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?" She answers: "I'm moving to Sydney. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too - I want to see how you live on $800 a year".

 

[Tommy]

ok, Pete
if i came home and said that, my wife would fire two warning shots into my chest!

A blonde was stopped halfway to Dallas for speeding in a red GT40. The DPS Texas State Trooper asked her for her license, registration, and insurance.
She started digging in her purse and said, " I guess you are going to expect me to buy some tickets to the DPS ball"
The trooper responded, "Maam, Texas State Troopers dont have balls"
He paused, thought about what he said, turned and left in his patrol car.
She was trying to contain herself and had to wait a few minutes before hitting the red start button.

 

[Brett James-McCall]

POTENTIALLY AND REALISTICALLY

A young boy went up to his father and asked: "What is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father pondered for a while, then answered: "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Also, ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you have learned."

So the boy went to his mother and asked: "Mum, would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied: "Of course I would. I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his sister and said: "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied: "Oh gosh!! I would just love to do that! I would have to be nuts to pass up that opportunity!!".

The boy then thought about it for two or three days and went back to his dad.

His father asked him: "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on two million dollars, but realistically we're living with two slappers."

The father replied, "That's my boy!"

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Re: POTENTIALLY AND REALISTICALLY

/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/lol.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/lol.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/lol.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/banana.gif

 

[flatchat(Chris)]

Contagious

During the coarse of a school lesson ,the kids were asked to find a big word and describe its meaning.Young Nipper gets the go ahead from teach.
Me dad being the foreman at the Macadamia nut packing shed was showing one of the inmates (workers) how to pack a big carton ,and just as it was about full the carton split,well those little round nuts went everywhere---took the "contagious" to pick 'em all up again /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/nono.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/beat.gif

 

[roaldin]

Re: Contagious

Similarly: You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think. -- attrib' Dorothy Parker.

Tim.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Re: Contagious

Far away in the waters of the Great Barrier Reef, two prawns were swimming around-one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by the sharks that lived in the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared and said "your wish is granted." And Lo and behold Justin turned into a shark. Horrified his little mate Christen swam away as fast as he could terrified of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed and Justin found life as a shark boring & lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again & he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could turn him back into a prawn once more.
He begged the cod to turn him back an lo his wish was granted and he became a prawn.
With tears of joy in his little eyes Justin swam back his friends and bought them all a beer. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/beerchug.gif Looking around the bar he realised he couldn't see his old pal. "where's Christian" he asked. "he's at home still upset that his friend changed sides and became the enemy", came the reply. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/crazy.gif
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain, he set of to Christian's place. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door& shouted "it's me, Justin your old friend, come out and see me".
Christian replied "no way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark now and the enemy. I'll not be tricked into becoming your dinner."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed....."




"I FOUND COD, I"M A PRAWN AGAIN CHRISTIAN." /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smirk.gif

 

[Peter Delaney]

Re: Contagious

Now that's a really good one !

 

Re: Contagious

Well Pete, if we go by your definition in the first post, Ive got guts, but no balls...



Johnny