For ALL my sun loving, annoying neighbors!
The Old Fart's guide to Being a Sun Loving, Florida Condo Commander...
Own a Mini-Van or a Lincoln Town Car--the condo doesn't allow pickup trucks.
Always have a bottle opener. Arthritis makes it hard to get the bottle caps off.
Always carry your "Help-I've-fallen-and-can't-get-up" panic button. Always. The only time you should not have your panic button is when you're playing pool soccer and the old ladies are getting frisky. No, wait . . . have it then too.
Make sure your swim shorts are still on before exiting the pool. Pleeeease.
Get a hat; a real hat, you gotta have a hat. That pink zinc sun screen looks ridiculous when wearing yellow golf shorts.
If you are going to carry pepper spray, don't put it in your purse. Let your wife carry it in hers. She can explain how the entire bingo parlor got gassed. And remember to wear shorts that fit. Nobody wants to see that ugly thing.
Teach at least one kid to respect elders, even if it kills them. If it does, conduct a larger class next time.
Don’t show off your tattoos unless you are asked. No one will recognize that glob of wrinkled, blue and purple skin anyhow.
Stop using your smart phone to check the time. you can't figure out how to use it anyhow. Get a watch for god’s sake, one with big numbers.
Act like you have been there before no matter if it’s Paris or Long Island. Hurricanes we got. It our only opportunity to gripe to the news reporters and collect extra food stamps.
If you have hair on your head consider yourself lucky and keep it trimmed or groomed. Glue that hairpiece down, it looks ridiculous flapping the breeze.
Own at least one custom cane. Nobody is impressed by those drug store aluminum ones.
Always get to the bar early and buy the first round; it's cheaper that way. If you get there late and they ask you to buy a round, tell them you bought the first one. Nobody will remember otherwise.
If you are going to engage in a conversation about women, try to remember what being with one is like.
When discussing sports, remember that there are professional teams other than the Yankees, Red Sox, Giants, Knicks, and Islanders. At least nod your head if other teams are mentioned. Nodding off is even better.
Always claim you've killed someone, always claim you've slept with every woman, and always brag about whatever the conversation was about but by now no one remembers. Act like you're a made man.
Never sit or stand by a man when you can sit or stand by a woman. Do I really need to explain this one? (Poots aren't as bad as gurgling farts.)
Keep jumper cables in your Caddie or Town Car. Someone will be along that knows how to use them. Tip them a dollar, less if you can get away with it.
Try to stay awake long enough to see a sunset. You might not be alive to see tomorrow's.
Tell people you know how to start a fire and how to split wood. Don't worry, the condo rules don't allow for open fires or wood piles, so they can't prove you wrong.
Don't hog up the shuffleboard court.
If you are riding in the passenger seat, open the window when you fart--it's not your car.
Know where to buy the best white diabetic shoes. Your neighbors will be impressed.
If someone asks who John Browning was, tell them he's that guy "molding in his grave" and let it go at that.
Learn how to tell a war story that folks will listen to, even though you were only a supply clerk at basic and never left the states.
Know who President Obama is and be able to finish every quote of his with "If you like your..."
Knowing how to change a tire is not near as important as having Triple A.
Tell everyone that you flew with Frank Luke and Raoul Lufbery were and was there when they died.
Own a fluffy little poochie dog and let it sit in your lap when you drive. Then, make a rule at the next meeting of the Condo Association banning dogs--after you grandfather in yours.
Read the latest edition of the AARP magazine so you'll have something to talk about for the next month.
Know that back in your day anyone who claimed to talk to God got a free long-sleeve jacket with lots of buckles for their efforts.
Insist on gun control but don't let anyone know about the .25 Auto you have hidden in your sock drawer.
When your neighbor's son goes to Wyoming and kills an animal, call them blood thirsty and threaten to turn them in to PETA, but not before you talk them out of a couple of steaks.
You don’t have to know how to cook a lot of things but you must know how to cook oatmeal and corn flakes.
