Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
The Joke of the year: The white house saying the "polar vortex" is caused by global warming.
Jokes anyone? -
- Thread starter p thompson
- Start date
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
Not only Democrats Larry, there are dumb bastards on both sides of the political spectrum.
Commonly known as Sheeple!
Commonly known as Sheeple!
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
duplicate post????? dont know why.
No argument there. There are several GOPs for whom I have no use at all. But, the majority of "dumb bastards" seem to be found on the left. Proof? One word: Obamacare. Not one GOP voted for it. Not one. The Dems own that whole idiotic, insane, asinine, unworkable, mindless, irresponsible, fraud-spawned mess.
I rest my case.
(One day I'll tell you how I REALLY feel. Now, let's go back to the other jokes!)
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Jim Rosenthal
Supporter
Ah yes, we own it. And we're wondering whether we made a mistake. Personally, I think caving in to the insurance companies was the biggest fuckup. But we'll see how it all works. Given how it's been so far, I'm not particularly hopeful, although I have been a proponent of universal medical care insurance for a long time.
Glenn M
Supporter
FFS!!
Come on guys this is the jokes thread!
It's a real piss off to see there's been a new post on the jokes thread, click on it, and see that it's not a new joke at all just some wanker spouting more left/right (delete that which is not applicable) bollocks.
Please, is the rest of the paddock not big enough for you?
Mr. Grumpy
(And I apologise to like minded people for posting a non joke post here)
Come on guys this is the jokes thread!
It's a real piss off to see there's been a new post on the jokes thread, click on it, and see that it's not a new joke at all just some wanker spouting more left/right (delete that which is not applicable) bollocks.
Please, is the rest of the paddock not big enough for you?
Mr. Grumpy
(And I apologise to like minded people for posting a non joke post here)
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning
she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural.
She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out.
Then one Sunday morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!
After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife.
“Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in…….............
Every morning
she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural.
She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out.
Then one Sunday morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!
After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife.
“Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in…….............
Charlie Farley
Supporter
Nigella Lawson...??
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
Bruce comes home from the pub and sees Sheila watching Gordon Ramsay's F%*#ing cooking show on the telly.
Bruce says; "What are you watching that shit for? You can't cook to save your life!."
To which Sheila replies; "So what? You watch porn movies, don’t you?
Bruce says; "What are you watching that shit for? You can't cook to save your life!."
To which Sheila replies; "So what? You watch porn movies, don’t you?
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on the plane from Cairns to Perth.
That's a very long flight so in the end the lawyer decides to make some conversation and asks the blonde if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention, and- to keep him quiet- she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
That's a very long flight so in the end the lawyer decides to make some conversation and asks the blonde if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention, and- to keep him quiet- she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
Jim Rosenthal
Supporter
Two pilots are in the Officer's Club talking about women. Each is bragging to the other about all the things his hot girlfriend will do whenever he asks.
A third pilot, at the next table, leans over and says, "Neither of you guys know anything about women. You haven't had anything until you've had a rodeo fuck. Once you've had that, you'll know something about women."
Neither of them have ever heard of this, so, curiosity getting the better of one, he asks, "Okay, what's a rodeo fuck?"
"Simple,"says the third pilot. "You tell her to get on her hands and knees, and enter her and clamp on doggie style. Make sure you have a real good grip on her hips. Then lean over and whisper in her ear 'you're really good at this, but my ex-wife was better at it'"
"Then hang on as tight as you can."
A third pilot, at the next table, leans over and says, "Neither of you guys know anything about women. You haven't had anything until you've had a rodeo fuck. Once you've had that, you'll know something about women."
Neither of them have ever heard of this, so, curiosity getting the better of one, he asks, "Okay, what's a rodeo fuck?"
"Simple,"says the third pilot. "You tell her to get on her hands and knees, and enter her and clamp on doggie style. Make sure you have a real good grip on her hips. Then lean over and whisper in her ear 'you're really good at this, but my ex-wife was better at it'"
"Then hang on as tight as you can."
Japanese couple in an argument over ways of highly erotic sex....
Husband: Sukitaki.
Wife replies: Kowanini!
Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!
Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!
Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina tim kouji!.
:laugh:
Husband: Sukitaki.
Wife replies: Kowanini!
Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!
Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!
Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina tim kouji!.
:laugh:
