Jokes anyone? -

[Pete McCluskey.]

On a train an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy, you set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.

Look at me... I'm ME! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood. What do you say to that ?"

The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap."

 

[Robert May Eng.]

SIGN IN A STORE WINDOW.

'WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE BRITISH SOLDIER!'

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in
CAMPBELTOWN, SCOTLAND.​

You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.

However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.

After all, it is ONLY A SIGN.​

You may say 'What kind of business would dare to post such a sign?'


Answer:​

​

​

​

​

A FUNERAL PARLOUR.​

(WHO SAID SCOTTISH UNDERTAKERS HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOUR?)

YOU GOTTA LOVE IT!!!

** God Bless Scotland **

Sid
​

 

[Jack]

Priceless!

 

[Larry L.]

I believe that funeral parlor thing started here in the U.S. 'Could be wrong. (The one I originally saw showed the sentiment posted on the funeral home's reader board.)

'First saw it about 2-3 years ago. 'Have since seen several countries referenced in it!

Who CARES! The sentiment is 100% right on...

 

[David Morton]

An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman..
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'
The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?
''What's so special about it?'
The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers.'
The woman giggles and replies
'Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!'

The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says,
'Bloody thing's an hour fast!'

 

[Jack]

Why Some Men Have a Dog And No Wife:

1. The later you come home, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

10.. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

11.. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.


And last... but not least:
12. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

 

[Jack]

Two American Indians and an Anthropologist were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then began removing his clothes and hurried into the cave.

The Anthropologist was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,. 'What was that about? Is you friend deranged?'

The Indian replied 'No, It's an old Indian custom during autumn. When an Indian man sees a cave, they call 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a young squaw in there wanting to mate.

Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian approached the cave, stopped, and called, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside. He too began removing his clothing and disappeared into the cave.

The Anthropologist wandered around in the woods alone for a while studying the flora and fauna. Suddenly he spied a large cave. He looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening and thought, 'My goodness! Look at the size of this cave entrance! It's huge. There must be a really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and loudly yelled.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' He heard a powerful answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.


The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............



NAKED ANTHROPOLOGIST RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

 

[Ian Anderson]

Teachers & Cops:






These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in

the







New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but,

boy, are these funny!)



1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has

started to dig.



2. I would not allow this student to breed.



3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.



4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (my

favorite...)



5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to

achieve them.



6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to

hold it all together.



7. This child has been working with glue too much.



8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.



9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't

coming..



10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice

a week.



11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat

out 1,000,000 others.



12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.



These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken

off actual police car videos around the country:



1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just

went through."



2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch

after you wear them a while."



3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth

certificate a worthless document."



4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."



5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the

speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)



6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can

write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" (MY FAVORITE)



7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think

it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"



8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that

again or I'll give you another ticket."



9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are

drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"



10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go

to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey

poop."



11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster

oven."



12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime

Information Center )



13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"



14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're

allowed to write as many tickets as we can."



15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend

of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."



THE WINNER IS....









16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we

don't.. Sign here

 

[Ian Anderson]

Advent Calendar

 

[Jack]

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she asks gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

 

[Keith]

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Every Fill-Up.'

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and said that if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were very close, the lucky number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up.

Again Paddy asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3, you were very close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all.'

Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick. My wife won twice last week.'

 

[Jack]

FAMILY TREE OF VINCENT VAN GOGH...

for our Art Scholars...

And here we Gogh!



His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh
His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Fla-ming Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh

 

[Keith]

Jack, I really didn't want to be the one to tell you this but...

In English it doesn't work. It only works in 'American'.

I spent a lot of time at it, but nope. It just doesn't work mate.

Please try to post internationally understood jokes Jack. :drunk:

 

[Jack]

My deepest and most sincere apologies Colonel. From now on I will post ONLY IN ENGLISH!
WOGGS' RULE!

 

[Jim Rosenthal]

I'm going to turn in my honorary Brit card, as unfortunately I understood them. MY deepest apologies, too, Colonel. I'll just stand in the corner or something.

 

[Keith]

It is quite simple forum Friends, no need for the naughty corner, yet.

A word in English English ending in "ogh" is pronounced "off"

To us, Van Gogh is (correctly a gutteral Dutch sound sounding like you are going to hawk, then spit) is "Van Goff" not "Go" or "Gofe" but "Goff"

Geddit?

Therefore, your joke dun work ere innit.

 

[Jack]

For anyone's edification from the Charter WOGG members:
[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gpjk_MaCGM]Monty Python - The Funniest Joke In The World - YouTube[/ame]

 

[Pat]

A very tired nurse walks into a local Florida National Bank branch on Hwy 71, right here in Orlando, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great....that's just great..........some asshole's got my pen!'

 

[Keith]

Oh well pat, you may have just set the tone for a new bunch of 'groanmore' jokes, like this one:

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.


She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives. "Look," he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320 [medium] or a 330 [large]. The word condom won't even be used."



The first day was fine but on the second day, a guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "950". The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament. “Have a look and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs “her boss told her. She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs." Oh My God! Yes!" she said "He's got one hanging there!"


The boss said "Go back in and give him £9.50, he's the window cleaner ....."

 

[Keith]

Swiftly Followed by the Ubiquitous:

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30pm after work.

His wife screams at him as his friend listens in horror. "My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pyjamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight.....

and what the hell did you bring him home for eh, EH?"

"Because he was thinking of getting married."