Jokes anyone? -

[Pete McCluskey.]

I made my girlfriends dreams come true and married her in a castle. You wouldn’t have thought it though from the miserable look on her face as we were bouncing around!​

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After shagging Kylie Minogue yesterday I think there are 2 things you all need to know. She really is as sexy as hell, secondly the staff at Madam Tussauds are miserable bastards with no sense of humour!!​

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Said to my mate today "Why you looking so happy?" he said " The missus had one of those procedures done at hospital today that would put a smile on the face of any bloke" I said " What a breast enlargement?" he replied " No a post mortem!"​

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Took the other half to a Disco last night. There was a bloke on the dance floor giving it large, breakdancing, backflips, moonwalking the works. Other half says " That guy proposed to me 20 years ago and I turned him down" I replied " looks like he is still celebrating"​

The Queens Royal Corgis are delighted to see Prince Phillip back at The Palace as they will no longer be blamed for peeing on the sofa!​

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Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove...

A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related...

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency...

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police womans uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him

I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day apparently, 'A meal for two with a terrible view' isn't the best way to announce number 69

Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says"I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick."
Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?"
Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner." ​

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After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanics swimming pool was still full.​

 

[Robert May Eng.]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!"
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

Bob

 

[Jack]

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law said. "I am wearing my love dress."

"Love dress? But you're naked!" said the mother-in-law.

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

What are you doing?" he asked.

This is my love dress" she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said.


and that's when the fight started..

 

[Pat]

Ed and Carolyn met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Carolyn to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Carolyn was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Carolyn to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Carolyn took a deep breath and responded, "Ed that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Police Stop at 2:15 A.M.
Ron Harris was stopped by the police around 2:15 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.


Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Ron replied, "That would be my wife."

 

[Keith]

That's my kind of humour Pete.....:thumbsup:

 

[Jim Rosenthal]

Love it. Brilliant.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

> This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of "VIC BITTER"
> cheap at the local bottle o.
>
> I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was
> filling up her car at the next pump.
>
> She glanced at the two boxes of beer, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, handsome. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"

 

[Pat]

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn't do something useful with my time..........

Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is NOT a good thing.

Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.

She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to McDonald's, drink coffee and hang out with the other old retired guys.

A bit annoyed, when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.

So I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club. I hadn't made any jumps since my time in the army forty-something years ago and I really enjoyed it back then.

She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 73 years old, and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

So I replied, "Oh man, I'm in trouble again; I really don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week- and their prepaid!"

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that she had fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.

 

[Ian Anderson]

Grammar: – The Importance of a tiny space

A secretary got an expensive pen as a gift from her boss. She sent him a thank you note by email.
The boss’s wife read the email and filed for divorce.

The email said:
“Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night. It has extraordinary smooth flow and a firm stroke.
Initially its tip had to be licked to bring it to working order. I loved its perfect size and grip. I felt I was in heaven when I was using it.
I’ve always desired it and you fulfilled my wish. Thanks a lot.”


Moral of the story: A space is an essential part in English writing.

 

[Glenn M]

Brilliant Ian, reminds me of a wedding I went to a long time ago.

A very good friend of the family, who was French, had come over to see the happy couple plight their troth. At the reception he was invited to toast the bride, which he did, very well, in English. He finished by raising his glass to the blushing lady and saying....(you have to read this with a heavy French accent).....

I 'ope you 'ave 'appiness all your life!

Everyone sprayed their champagne out! But he did get a standing ovation!


Glenn

 

[Bill Musarra]

Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting."

So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there."

Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it. There really are only two ducks out there! Where did you get that dog"?

Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want one, you can get one from him".

So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in its mouth and starts humping Earl's leg.

Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"

The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.

The breeder says, "Earl, dogs can't talk. He was trying to tell you there are more f------ ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!

 

[Keith]

A couple of years after the 2nd World War, on a train from London, an American was berating an Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English are so bloody stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip puts you above the rest of us. Look at me...I'm just me! I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Spanish blood, and some Irish blood. What do you say to that?"

The Englishman replied, "What a jolly sporting mother you have, old chap!"

 

[Nick]

An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!"

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!".

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."

 

[Bill Musarra]

A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St Peter, "I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"

St Peter said, "That's a question only God can answer."

So the zebra went off in search of God.

When he found Him, the zebra asked, "God, please - I must know, am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"

God simply replied "You are what you are."

The zebra returned to see St Peter once more, who asked him, "Well, did God straighten out your query for you?"

The zebra looked puzzled. "No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.'"

St Peter smiled and said to the zebra, "Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes."

The zebra asked St Peter, "How do you know that for certain?"

"Because," said St. Peter, "If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, "You is what you is."

WARNING: If you laugh at this, Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Rev Wright and Oprah will be comin after yo white ass!!!

 

[Larry L.]

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!

(Why do I feel an apology for that reaction may be necessary?)

 

[Nick]

Anyone who has owned a dog will know this look.

 

[Larry L.]

YUP!!!

'Priceless...

 

[Jack]

A young woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died.
She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.
But she remarried and this time had 5 more children.
Alas, she finally croaked.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking Him for this loving woman who fulfilled His commandment to "Go forth and multiply."
In the eulogy, he noted "Thank you, Lord, they're finally together."
Leaning over to his neighbor, one mourner asked, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The other mourner replied: "I think he means her legs."

 

[Jack]

An elderly married couple scheduled their medical examination on the same day so that they could answer any questions the doctor might have concerning their partner.

After the husband's exam, the doctor then said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concern that you would like to ask me?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I'm usually cold and chilly."

The doctor said that he would examine the wife, and then report back to the man. After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old nut", she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"
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