Jokes anyone? -

No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between “complete” and “finished.” However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in London, England and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist was the presenter when he was asked to make that very distinction.

The question put to him by a colleague in the audience was this: “Some say there is no difference between ‘complete’ and ‘finished’. Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand”.

Mr. Balgobin’s response: “When you marry the right woman, you are ‘complete.’ If you marry the wrong woman, you are ‘finished.’ And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one you are ‘completely finished.’
 
Dad advertises his tennage sons car I'm sure some of us can relate to this :)


"This car belonged to my 19 year old son, who now has a new car, I can only apologise for the state of it, clearly he will treat his new one the same.

"OK , the passenger side has a large dent on it , where my son tried to climb the corner of my house, I did tell him that if he is going to insist on going back and forth on the wall the dent will get bigger !!! and the drive way is only 10 feet wide after all.

"The clutch is now slipping, again he did not know this, as loud music is the preferred thing, and could not hear it slipping, just wondered why it took him longer to get up a hill!!! still there is enough clutch left to get you home, I think?

"Surprisingly the electric windows still work well, considering the amount of times they go up and down calling to his mates, and banter with the passing girls, many of whom have been taken for rides in the car, which may explain the passenger seat not moving back and forth anymore, still makes it hard for them to escape his deafening music.

"There may or may not be any oil and water in the car, despite me repeatedly telling him to make sure it was maintained, I believe he thought this meant sitting in it on the driveway listening to his music whilst having a smoke, he would have washed it occasionally, but said 'not really worth it now is it dad', as its got a big dent on it!!! and anyway, surely I would know if it needed oil, the red light would come on!!, still he does have a brand new set of mats in the boot, bought when he first had the car.

"There may be the odd ripple in the front of the bonnet, but according to my son that was there when it was bought for him, and nothing to do with sitting and chilling on it, may be it was a better place to sit than the passenger seat!

"It does have the other alloy wheel in the boot, with a puncture, but if he gets another puncture he will use one of the other three on the car.

"The drivers seat has a hole in it, this was done killing time, whilst stuck on the side of the house performing modifications to the side of the car.

"The rear of the car is in fact a large dustbin for discarded fruit, and McDonald's, not for carrying passengers, but still he says he's loving it!!!

"Anyway if you think this car may be suitable for your son, please go ahead and buy it, its after all in the perfect state for any teenage lad, and will save them all the time and effort that my son has put in to it, getting it this way.

"It's now down to me to dispose of this wonderful car I bought him many years ago, now he has a new one, he thinks that you just leave it parked on the side of the road until someone comes and takes it.

"Its not how he has treated the car since he has owned it that worrys me, its the fact that he now has a new 14 plate car, which incidentally will be coming up for sale in a similar state in some years to come, although he informs me he will look after this one because it has 'no dents', and is clean and shinny, and doesn't need washing, to my surprise he went and bought a new set of matts for it, 'there in the boot', is this history repeating itself?

"When I told my son I was selling it, because he now had a new car, he said 'well who gets the money?' I said me of course, but it won't be much as the car has had it, to which he then replied, 'that's not fair, it's a good car, nothing wrong with it," and that he should get the cash.

"I offer absolutely no warranty with this car, and many thanks for looking.

"Nigel, a devoted father with much patience."

Despite the dad's honesty, the car reached £101 after 33 bids with five days of the auction left to run.

A day later, after the story hit the headlines, the car had been bid on an impressive 157 times with a top bid of £154,100!

Nigel, from Newton Abbot, Devon, said: "I wrote the advert after my son's car packed up and he had a bit of a panic.
 
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Lucas smoke.... Not much mate far to common to be of any value.

We still manage to sell it to you guys from the antipodes though, special discount for Kiwis because they have just won the best country to visit for the third year running :)

Lucas Replacement Wiring Harness Smoke
 

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Lucas forum Question & Answer

Q: I have a fourteen year old son named Lucas who I have caught several times in the back of the garage smoking. Can this item help him to respect a little firm parental intervention and aid him in smoking less...or even stopping altogether?
Jun-09-05
A: Part of the problem may be the fact that you named your son after the Prince Of Darkness. Mayhaps you should be happy that all you have caught him doing in the back of the garage is smoking! My suggestion is: since you already have spoiled him for life with his moniker, you search the 'Bay for a proper Little British Car to restore as a father-and-son project. That way, he'll have a way to fill the idle hours he'd have spent chasing girls had he been named Rocky or something more suitable. Plus, he'll learn first-handed how disgusting smoke can be. Alas, though, not with this unit, because whilst trying to photograph it for a spread in "Popular Ether Technology", it was unfortunately broken. Therefore, the auction must be terminated early. Thanks for the heartwarming interest!

Q: Once I have re-introduced smoke into my TR-2, do you warranty that it's system will resume operating at the speed of dark?
Jun-09-05
A: If you reintroduce the smoke through a microwave oven, you may even go back in time!

Q: I have been very diligent over the years and have maintained the smoke in my Sunbeam's wires perfectly. The problem is that that special Lucas perfume has disappeared from the dash, carpets and seats. In fact, at the last Concours d'Elegance I lost out to a frogeye with period odors. Is the smoke in your kit fresh enough to bring back the OEM smells of burning plastic and bakelite and are you including an adapter to replace same.
Jun-09-05
A: No adapter needed, but have you tried just STARTING that overrestored trailer queen? It might bring back the aroma by itself.

Q: This has been a most informative thread which set me off thinking about wider global environmental changes that have happened since the mid 70's. Could it be that the copious release of smoke from Lucas wiring looms around that time has significantly contributed to the holes in the ozone layer and the onset of global warming? Could it be that, had your excellent device been more available at that time, we could have saved the planet for future generations instead of fighting a rear guard action? Hindsight is such a wonderful thing isn't it.
Jun-09-05
A: Hey- This is a serious site- we're not discussing "junk science" like Global Climate Change!

Q: I have a questions. For some time. My object is to restore a the few pre-Chrysler Rootes Sunbeam Tigers to original factory condition, with ALL the LAT racing options. So far, I have been quite successful, but unaware of your Lucas Smoke Kit. I am perplexed as to it's satistactory application to this original British Classic that Mr. Carroll Shelby has enhanced with a lot of Ford (USA) parts. This includes a large portion, but not all, of the electrics. It is very easy to differentiate between the Lucas Parts and the Ford Parts, as the Ford Parts still work. While we cn admire Mr. Lucas for the development of the intermittent windshield wiper, the self-dimming lighting system, and the colorful turn signal spark generator, it is unclear whether your offering wll work satisfactorily with so much of the electrics originating in the US. Is this device compatible, as the US parts do not show signs of leaking smoke?
Jun-09-05
A: The Lucas smoke may cause failure of the connecting interstices, but the, so will everything else.

Q: Maybe you can help me. I have an old generator that I have suspected of having a metaphysical ozone leak for several years. It’s one of those things I feel I know to be true but cannot prove. Anyway, through an ingenious marriage of a Sharper Image Ionic Breeze air purifier and a breast milk pump, (by the way, both were obtained on ebay) I have devised a way to recharge the ozone that I can smell leaking from the generator. But, you guessed it, when I disconnect the wiring to introduce the replacement ozone I invariably cause a smoke leak. Do you think there is a way to mate our two machines in such a way that I could “kill two birds with a single stone” – if you will.
Jun-09-05
A: That's just wrong.

Q: Can I use this device to replace the smoke in my Alfa Spider? Is Brit smoke the same as Italian smoke?
Jun-09-05
A: Only if it's pre-Bosch.

Q: Will this kit put back ALL the smoke in a 1975 Midget wire harness? Some time ago while driving our 75 Midget smoke began pouring from under the hood, after pulling over, smoke was immediately followed by flames. A HUGE amount of smoke was lost from the wire harness (10 minutes worth before the fire deparment showed up). Your jar appears to be too small to contain the volume of smoke produced by the Midget on that day. Please specify quatity of smoke. PS - Would you know where can get bulk replacment glue on insulation, there is none left on any part of the wire harness under the hood. The harness appears to be intact but is lacking smoke holding insulation. I'm planning on rerouting the main power buss from over top of the fuel line. This way next time I will have smoke, red hot wires without melting thru the fuel line. Thanks in advance.
Jun-09-05
A: You'll need bulk smoke, but I'd try your last suggestion before ordering any. Good luck!

Q: Is this setup on the "metric system" or can it be used universally? I have a MB 380SL but have replaced some of the wirings with U.S. products. Will your product make the transition? Also, are there any EPA limitations on shipping?
Jun-09-05
A: This setup is Whitworth only. sorry.

Q: As you may or may not know, the Japanese 'borrowed' heavily from British designs back in the 50's and 60's. In fact, the Skinner Union carbs on my beloved Datsun 1600 roadster were actualy built by Hitachi under license. Also, most of the electrical devises in early Datsuns were copied from Lucas. That said, do you know if an adapter is available to use the Lucas Kit you offer on a Datsun 1600 or do I need to keep searching for the Hitachi/Mitsubshi version? Thanks, Paul
Jun-09-05
A: It sort of worked in my Datsun 410 Station Wagon, but the lights all shined in instead of out. It was quite disturbing...

Q: Does this unit contain new or re-cycled smoke and will if my 1966 Triumph Bonneville motorcycle?
Jun-09-05
A: This is new, previously un-leaked smoke, as originally installed on your T-120. Have at it!

Q: Would this product fix the Miller dynamo on my motorbike? The smoke got out of it years ago and I am in despair. Having to run a total loss electrical system now. Please, no smart-alec comments about nothing to lose. I have been desparate for a cure for years and will jump at anything. I get so depressed. But I really liked your answers to all the questions. I learned so much. You must be smart. What are some good upgrades for my bike? Should I get a Boyer electronic ignition?
Jun-09-05
A: Probably.

Q: It looks like a self contained, auto smoking, environmentally enclosed, smoke recirculation, multi-smoker bong I created in the late 60s. The only thing missing is the air manifold (from a fish tank set-up) to hook up the individual smoking tubes. Are you sure you didn’t get this idea from me, when we were smoking that wacky tobacco one time? ; > )
Jun-09-05
A: Could be. I can't remember.
#

Q: I have the idential part but needs the smoke refill cartage, i was told to ring 84433 3-33888444555 or speed dial 666 is that you?
Jun-09-05
A: No, that's that shop in Michigan.
#
Q: Do you have any idea if the kit will work on Alfa Romeos? My 1963 Giulia has bullet connectors, a Lucas windshield wiper motor, and a variety of other Lucas components. Earlier Alfas had lots more Lucas stuff, such as starter motor and generator, so I imagine it's more suited to them. On a different note, did Alfa's change from Lucas to Bosch signify the end of the of the 'Italian masochistic' era?
Jun-09-05
A: This will work with the Lucas portions. The Bosch change was a misbeggoten effort to work around the simultaneous Italian/British Stevedore Strikes of the early 70s.
Q
: HI, JUST HAPPENED ACROSS YOU AUCTION. GREAT ITEM BUT I AM CURIOUS. I DO ARCADE GAME REPAIRS ON THE OLD UPRIGHT ARCADE GAMES. YOU KNOW, PACMAN, DEFENDER, DIGDUG? THE X-Y MONITOR TYPE GAMES SUCH AS BATTLEZONE, STARWARS OR TEMPEST ARE FAMOUSLY KNOWN FOR RELEASING THE X-Y SMOKE FROM THEIR MONITORS. WOULD THIS TOOL BE SUITABLE TO REINTRODUCTION OF MONITOR SMOKE. YOU SEE THE SMOKE IS READILY AVAILABLE ON EBAY BUT THE RECHARGE TOOL IS NOT AS ATARI QUIT OFFERING THEM YEARS AGO. THESE MONITORS ARE QUITE EXPENSIVE TO REPAIR WHEN YOU DONT HAVE THE PROPER SERVICE TOOLS. PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF THIS WOULD WORK OR WOULD I NEED AN ADAPTOR SUCH AS P/N 2FUB-1269-AR. THANKS.....FRED
Jun-09-05
A: Got me. I got my VIC-20 to run one game of "Hangman" with just a spritz, though.

Q: Enough, enough already! I cannot allow you to perpetuate this lowbrow fraud any longer! Anyone with any knowledge of Lucas products should recognize that the Lucas label art on the jar is wrong for this early version of the smoke kit. And of course, the lid should be black with the valve oriented 180º to the label. The smoke color itself is not original to the early cloth insulated wiring and perhaps even for the early plastic insulation. Bidders beware, this is most certainly a replica, and a poor one at that — possibly from Taiwan. Additionally, the smoke replacement kit was meant to be used only by highly qualified personnel. The dangers of misuse are indescribable - certainly I can't…, but the phrase "gone up in smoke" was born of this process.
Jun-09-05
A: Oh, yeah? well, in the interest of openness, I'm going to place your tirade on the site. That doesn't mean I like it, though.

Q: I wonder if you would do an exchange (with a cash adjustment in my favour). I have some bottles of 'bottom air' that was supplied by Dunlop many years ago. The advantage is that it takes up very little space as of course when you get a flat the top air in the tyre remains perfectly serviceable, it's only the bottom air that needs replacing. I will wait your reply. All the best from the UK.
Jun-09-05
A: If this is the proper bottom air for a set of 4.00X 10 Gold Seals, we may be able to work a deal. We have a '68 Moke in the shop with original rubber, and the domestic bottom air keeps migrating out. It evidently deoesn't have enough atmospheric British ambient smoke to fill the pores in the tyres.
#
Q: My brother Joe is currently (well last 8 years) working on a mini and he's never managed to get ANY smoke out of it yet. Would it be possible to use this kit to make some come out of other parts of the car - not just the wiring loom. I was thinking mainly about the exhaust...
Jun-09-05
A: No.
 

Larry L.

Lifetime Supporter
:thumbsup::thumbsup:

Perhaps that would have best be offered in installments...much like the 'cereal movies' shown in theaters way back when! :laugh4:

Poor ole Lucus. Like Rodney Dangerfield, he gets no respect...no respect at all. :cry:
 

David Morton

Lifetime Supporter
A lady journalist friend proudly boasts of being approached by a chap in America whom she didn't recognise.
"You must remember me," he insisted. "When we met before, you gave me a blow job in the ladies' loo of the Groucho."
"I'm sorry," she replied. "That doesn't really narrow it down."
 

David Morton

Lifetime Supporter
I went down this morning to sign on my Dog.

When I got to the head of the queue the woman behind the desk said,
"Dogs are not eligible to draw unemployment benefit".
I explained to her that my Dog is black,
unemployed, idle, can't speak English
and has no clue who his dad is.

She looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

He gets his first benefit cheque on Friday and is eligible for housing benefits as well.

Damn this is a great country.
 

Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.


2. VULNERABLE (vul-NE-Ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-in-Kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female..... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male..... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (RI-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;

He said.... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said.... You wear pants don't you?

He said..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while
I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said..... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said..... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said.... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
 
IRISH JOKE

Paddy phones Shamus,

Paddy "Not heard from you for ages, how are you?"

Seamus " Not good"

Paddy " Why"

Seamus " I've been trying to sell my car for two months and no one is interested"

Paddy " What type of car is it?"

Seamus " Its a BMW"

Paddy " That's a great car to sell. What millage does it have on the clock?"

Seamus " 175,000 miles"

Paddy " That's why you cant sell the car, the millage is far too high. I've got this great gismo that winds the millage clock back. Just plug it in and it does the rest. I'll send it to you."

TWO MONTHS LATER Paddy phones Seamus back.

Paddy " Long time no hear, how are you? "

Seamus " I couldn't be better. I feel on top of the world"

Paddy " So did you manage to sell the car? "

Seamus " No, why would I want to sell it, its only got 12,000 miles on the clock"
 
The Peanut

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth in the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?'

The father replied, ‘From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!
 

Pat

Supporter
An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communications with a small twin engine aircraft.

A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled "Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had passed out.. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and travelling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!

The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately. "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we will guide you down after a few questions.

The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!".

He began his series of questions.

Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the dials in front of me".

Tower: "Okay, that is good, remain calm. How do you know you are traveling at 180 mph??"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the dials in front of me".

Tower: Okay, that is good. How do you know you're flying upside down??"

Aircraft: "Because the shit in my pants is sliding out of my shirt collar."
 

Steve

Supporter
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! LMAO! Knew a guy in college with Tourette's. Endless entertainment. Was a DJ if you can believe it........
 

Larry L.

Lifetime Supporter
I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.

I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.

The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7.

I've never felt safer, ... and I’m saving $35 a month.
 

flatchat(Chris)

Supporter
Apologies to me pommy mates if this has been done before

At a recent Manchester United - Arsenal game.

Alex Ferguson goes into the United changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum "what's up"? he asks. "Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game -- its only Arsenal and we can't be bothered, we always beat them". Alex looks at them and says. "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself, you lads go up the pub.
So Ferguson goes out to play for United by himself.
After a few pints the team are curious about the game, after turning on the TV a big cheer goes out for the results Man. United 1 - Arsenal 0.
A few more pints, the game forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, lets see how he got on" and to their amazement Man.United 1 Arsenal 1. They can't believe that he has single handedly gotten a draw. They rush back to congratulate him and find him in the dressing room looking really glum.
He says, " I've let you all down", "Don't be daft !" they reply. "you got a draw and they only scored in the second half. To which Sir Alex replies "No, No, I have, I've let you down.....I got sent off after 12 minutes".
 
Sometimes the universe just does something funny -

My wife was just harassed by someone who didn't want to wait for her to leave her car park. My wife stopped and moved to let the impatient one through. As they left the car park, my wife behind the impatient one, the universe smiled or the planets aligned or whatever, and the impatient one's wheel cover fell off. My wife - accidentally of course - ran over it. :)

Made me smile.

Tim.
 
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