Jokes anyone? -

[Pete McCluskey.]

A man and woman were lying in bed one night and the woman said to the man, "I sure wish I had bigger boobs."

Well the man responded by saying she should rub toilet paper all over them.

The woman looked at him and said "Toilet paper, what will that do?"

The man said, "I don't know, but look what it's done for your arse."

 

[Rick]

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington]
chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, and via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question:? Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is
compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since
there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Theresa during my freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a Divine Being which explains why last night, Theresa kept shouting, "Oh My God."

This student received an A+.

Rick

 

[Peter Delaney]

A New Zealander is travelling around the Greek Islands.

He walks into a bar and orders a Speights from the New Zealand Barmaid.

As she takes his order, she notices his accent and over the course of the evening they get chatting.

At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his hotel.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him.

As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Speights and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with
him again for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights.

On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Speights but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him
more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in New Zealand. "Alexandra", he tells her.

"So am I. What area?" she enquires.

"Bridge Hill" he replies.

"That's amazing," she says excitedly, "so am I - what Street?"

"O'Neill Crescent" he replies.

"This is unbelievable........." she says, her voice quavering; "What number?"

"Number 20", he replies.

She is totally astonished.

"You are NOT going to believe this," she screams, "but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you"

HE WHO DRINKS SPEIGHTS, THINKS SPEIGHTS.

 

[Duncan Potter]

Two explorers in the jungle are captured by the local native tribe. They are tied to a tree in the village. The chief approaches the first explorer, and says "What punishment you want, death or Hroo-Hroo?". The explorer, not wanting to die, answers Hroo-Hroo.

The chief leads him to the village square, ties him over a log, and all the village men have their way with him.

The chief then approaches the second explorer and asks "Death or Hroo-Hroo?". Horrified by what he has witnessed, the explorer asks for death.

The chief replies "So be it...Death by Hroo-Hroo!"

 

[David Tickle]

Sorry for this one, but it's a long time since I've made a contribution to the site!

A dirty young whore from Penzance
Took the late night bus to South Hants.
Besides the conductor,
Three others f****d her
And the driver came twice in his pants

 

[Miles]

Since we are on the limericks...

There was an old letcher named Ted,
Who was abosloutely useless in bed,
When parting a bush,
He'd fumble and push,
And Screw the mattress instead.

And another in the same vein...

There was on an old whore of Devizes,
Whose twat was large and won prizes,
Men came fom all over,
To give her the once over,
Because she'd accomodate all sizes.

 

[Marcus]

Since we are on the limericks...

There was an old letcher named Ted,
Who was abosloutely useless in bed,
When parting a bush,
He'd fumble and push,
And Screw the mattress instead.

And another in the same vein...

There was on an old whore of Devizes,
Whose twat was large and won prizes,
Men came fom all over,
To give her the once over,
Because she'd accomodate all sizes.

Miles, are you sure in bed at night you´re dreaming of a 917?

...just kidding!

 

[Doug S.]

Johnny and Susie got married after a wonderful, protracted engagement. On the way home the horse pulling the carriage stopped in it's tracks and no amount of urging with the reins would get it to move. Johnny crawled down off the carriage and walked around to the horse and pointed his finger at the horse and said, "That's one!"

He got back on the carriage and, lo and behold, the horse started pulling the carriage at the least urging. This lasted for a while, but eventually the horse stopped again. Johnny got back down off the carriage, walked around to the front of the horse, and delivered a roundhouse punch that almost knocked the horse to it's knees. "That's two!!" he said.

Well, by the time Johnny got back onto the carriage the horse had recovered enough to pull the carriage for a bit more, but, as you've guessed, it eventually stopped. Johnny stood up on the carriage, retrieved a shotgun from under the bench, and walked around to the front of that horse and, yelling at the top of his lungs "That's three!!!" he shot the horse dead.

Susie watched all this happen and when Johnny walked back to the carriage to replace the shotgun she said, "Well, that wasn't too smart. How are we going to get home now?"

Johnny said, "That's easy--you are going to pull the carriage home."

Susie didn't like that idea and told him so in no uncertain terms, whereupon Johnny looked at Susie and pointed his finger at her and said, "That's one!"

 

[Doug S.]

Billy walked in to his parents bedroom one night to ask for a drink of water, only to catch his parents in the act, with his mother on top. His mom, embarrased but hoping to be able to get Billy back into bed quickly without any questions, got Billy a glass of water and walked him back to his bedroom. She returned and she and her husband finished their business and drifted off to sleep.

The next day after his dad went off to work, Billy asked mom what she and his dad had been doing. She answered, "Well, Billy, your dad's stomach has been getting pretty big lately, so I was just sitting on him and pushing on his stomach to see if I could get some of that air out of it so he wouldn't look so fat".

Billy looked at her with this funny look on his face and said, "Well, mom, that won't work. Every night while you are at the market that young lady from next door comes over and blows him right back up".

 

[Doug S.]

Not so good at jokes. Keep'em coming, you guys are far better at jokes than I am!

If that's the case, Ron, you'll like this one--

Harold was new at this prison thing, being his first night and all, and pretty scared b/c of all the things he had heard about prison. He laid on the bunk as they turned the lights out and wondered what would happen, imagining the worst. He was very surprised, though, to hear someone holler "Number 15!", whereupon the inmates in the cell block burst into laughter. Pretty quickly from the other end of the hall he heard "Number 32", and the same laughter.

This went on for a few nights and Harold was perplexed, but he asked his cell mate what the deal was, anyway. His cell mate said "Here in prison we have a lot of time and not much to do, so we catalog our jokes by number. Then when someone wants to tell a joke they just yell out the number and those who find that joke funny laugh."

Harold had no idea what joke went with what number, but he wanted to be accepted by the inmates, so after a few jokes had been told that night he hollered "Number 27". Silence. Not a sound.

The next day he asked his cellmate why nobody had laughed, and his cell mate said "Well, some guys know how to tell a joke, and some don't".

 

[wanni]

Any woman needs 4 animals in her life:
1) a Jaguar in the garage
2) a Tiger in the bed
3) aMink on the shoulders
4) a donky who is paying
But generally it happens as follows:
1) a Panda in the garage
2) a Dormouse in the bed
3) a sheep on the shoulders
4) even not a dog who is paying

 

[Marcus]

The next day he asked his cellmate why nobody had laughed, and his cell mate said "Well, some guys know how to tell a joke, and some don't".

Hilarious...just love it...so laconic.

 

[Peter Delaney]

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian
coast. He
reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night
wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by
a couple
of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge
says, > "Mate,
we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news,
but, some
good news, and maybe some more good news."

"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news
first?"

The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead.
Young Bill
here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in
the reef.
He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has
a bit of > a
turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and
asks, "what's
the good news.......??

The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite
a few
really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to
her, so we've
brought you your share."

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and
four or > five
crabs in it.

"Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind
and all
that... So what's the other possible good news?"

"Well," the Sarge says, "if you fancy a quick trip, me and young
Bill
here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot
over there > and
pull her up again.....!"

 

[Neal]

What is the difference between and onion and an accordion?

No one cries when you cut up an accordion!

 

[Bill Bayard]

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in
love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well
Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine, and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance...Jenny makes 5 bucks a week, and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this.
He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Bruce won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Needless to say, Mr. Smith no longer thinks Bruce is so adorable.

 

[Jeremy]

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but most men are perverts

 

[Bill Bayard]

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals - unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try" she said, "but only if you'll promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

 

[Tony Hunt]

What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?...................

Pregnant.

Tony Hunt

 

[Bill Bayard]

A blonde goes into a laundromat and asks to have her sweater cleaned.

The laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "Come again?"

The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "Oh, no it's just mustard this time."

 

[Bill Musarra]

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch,

doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still

get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who

drives you to the beach?"