Jokes anyone? -

[dean]

A bus full of nuns crashes into a river and all the nuns end up in a line waiting at the pearly gates. At the head of the line St Peter is standing next to a pedestal with a large bowl of water. He says to the first nun "To enter heaven you must wash, with this water, every part of your body that has been touched by a penis."
So sister Susan dips her hands into the water and enters heaven. From the back of the line sister Christina yells "Hey peter can I go next? Fucked if im gargling that water after Catherines washed her ass with it!"

 

[David Morton]

Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally???
Ever wondered why?





It's because she smells like a new car!​

 

[David Morton]

No SEX since 1955


A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted
by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely
young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the
Sergeant Major for conversation.


"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something bothering you?"


"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."


The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks
like you have seen a lot of action."


"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."


The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You
know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."


The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the
young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way,
but when is the last time you had sex?"


"1955, ma'am."


"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to
chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a
private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and
said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."


The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his
watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Another classic.:lol::lol::lol:

 

[Paul W]

Just driving my new Toyota Prius, Chat later - can't stop.

 

[Rick Muck- Mark IV]

As told by a "comedian".....

"Ford...............because Toyota is trying to kill you!"

 

[David Morton]

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

 

[David Morton]

A Spot of British Humour as reported in the newspapers...




Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."


(The Daily Telegraph)




_____




Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.


(The Guardian)




_____




At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.


( Aberdeen Evening Express)




_____




Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each
week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"


( Bournemouth Evening Echo)




_____




A list of actual announcements that London Tube drivers have made to their passengers:






"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
_____




"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
_____




"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause.) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care -- I'm going home...."
_____




"We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."
_____




"Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away
from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!"

 

[Bill Musarra]

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and
engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but
her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

'Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this anymore,

'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig!' she retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives!'

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who’sa talkin' abouta sexa? I'ma justa tellin' my frienda how to spella ' Mississippi.'

 

[Bill Musarra]

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other

 

Little Johnny asks his father, "Dad, why do flies lie on their backs when they die?'

Thinking fast Dad replies, "Thats so God can gently grasp their little feet and lift them to heaven".

"Wow! So Mum nearly died yesterday?" Johnny says.

Puzzled, Dad asks "How so?"

"Well, I peeked into your bedroom yesterday and Mum was lying on her back with her legs in the air yelling 'Oh God, take me, take me now!' and I reckon He would have if the milkman hadn't been lying on top of her to hold her down...'

 

[David Morton]

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[Pat]

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, 'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, 'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!'

 

[dean]

Two old ladies are sitting on a bench smoking when it starts to rain. The first old lady pulls out a condom, snips off the end and puts it over her ciggarette.
"Wow" Says the second lady
"Whats that?"
"This is a condom dearie. I use them to keep my smokes dry when its raining."
The second lady looks impressed so next time shes in the supermarket she goes to the attendant and asks for a packet of condoms. The attendant having a bit of a laugh asks what size she would like to which she replied. "Just make sure thier big enough to fit my Camels!"

 

[dean]

A blokes speeding along the highway in his GT40 when he passes a cop with a hand-held speed camera hiding behind a bridge. The cop chases him down and the bloke stops. The cop walks up and asks the bloke
"What rush could you possibly be in to be going that fast?"
The bloke says "Im late for work"
"Oh yeah and what is it you do then?"
The bloke smiles and says "Im a rectum stretcher."
"Yeah and what does a rectum stretcher do exactly?"
"Well i work one finger in then wiggle it around a bit. Then i get two fingers in and give it a little stretch. Then i work my fist in and shake it around until both my hands fit in. Then I can stretch it to about 2 feet wide!"
The cop looks disgusted. "What on earth would you do with an asshole that big?"
To which the bloke replies "Put him behind a bridge with a speed camera."

 

[Brian Hamilton]

^^^
Not the best way to get yourself out of a ticket now is it? LOL

 

[Jeremy]

Does this sound familiar ??


A group of 40 year-old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner.

Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitresses there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.



10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.



10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.



10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.



10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea as they have never been there before

 

[Ron Earp]

A woman hops on the bus carrying her baby. The bus drivers looks over as she steps on and says "Jeezus, that is the fugliest baby I've ever seen in my life!".

The woman is pissed off but her hands are full so she goes back in the bus, finds an empty seat beside a man, and sits down. She looks over at him and says "That bus driver just insulted me!".

The man says "Tell you what, I'll hold your monkey for you and you go up there and tell him off!"

 

[David Morton]

Bought my wife a new bag and a belt as a wee gift for
Valentines Day.
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Hoover’s going great now.

 

[Aaron L.]

A priest in DC is dying. He speaks to one of the other priests attending his death. "I want you to ask the President and The Speaker of the House to come here. Tell them it is important." The priest, though confused, does so.

Obama and Pelosi agree, both agreeing it can't hurt, and besides, it's good PR.

They arrive at his side, and the priest says, "Mr. President, Mrs. Speaker. I have always tried to live my life as Jesus lived."

"Amen," responded the President.

"Amen," responded the Speaker.

"Jesus died between two lying thieves, I wish to do the same."