Jokes anyone? -

[Paul Thompson 'Hooligan']

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have these very large bullfrogs. They say they give great blowjobs!"



"Blowjobs?!" the woman replied.



"We've sold 30 of them this month with no complaints.", he said.



The woman thought it would be a great gift. If true... no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.



When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off! However, she repeated what the salesman had told her and went to bed.



In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making horrible banging and crashing sounds. She ran to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.



"What are you doing at this hour?" she asked.



The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook.... you're gone."

 

[Andy Green]

The Husband StoreA brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:- "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.The 1st floor sign reads::Floor 1 - These men have jobs.The 2nd floor sign reads:Floor 2- These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.The 3rd floor sign reads:Floor 3- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking."Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:Floor 4- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework."Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:Floor 5- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:Floor 6- You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.The 1st floor has wives who love sex.The 2nd floor has wives who love sex and have money.The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.

 

[Geoff Hurrell]

1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at rugby, and your food is getting wet, then, for the eating period only, it is permissible.

2. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game"
e. When she is using her teeth.

3. Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However you can complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you intentionally trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and a topless supermodel delivers it... and it's free.

12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just greedy.

19. If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours, except if she's withholding S*x pending your response.

21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have S*x with her Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal 'drunken monkey S*x', the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was, occurs.

25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, orange or sky blue. (orange AND blue is ok)

27. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Play station II. End of story.

28. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

 

[Malcolm]

No 26 had me worried there for a moment!

 

[Danimal W]

Q: What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

A: Christopher Walken

 

[David Morton]

Sometimes, only sometimes, there is a deep chasm between the sense of humour that prevails in the USA and here in the UK. Danimal, right now that chasm is deep and wide.

 

[David Morton]

In other words - I'm totally lost - so please explain ?

 

[Gary]

The only correct response is that danimal is going to hell for that one.

 

[CraigB]

I think it is Christopher Reeve (Superman) fell off a horse and was paralyzed from the neck down, The Walken is probably a reference to that

Probably not in the best possible taste (as Kenny Everett used to say), but that does vary between us and the Colonies

 

[Chris]

A man was suffering from tennis elbow so he decided to see a doctor. The doctor handed him a sterile cup and told him to come back the next day with a urine sample. The man thought that that was odd but he said ok. As he was driving home, he started to realize that it's really strange to give a urine sample for tennis elbow so he became angry at the doctor. That's when he decided to mess with the doctor's head. First he had his daughter pee into the cup, then he took a hair from his dog and added that to it, then he took a little bit of oil from his car and added that too. To really top it off, he decided to jerk off into it. He returned it to the doctor's office the next day and they told him that the doctor would call him in a couple days with the results. A couple days later, the doctor called and told him they had the results of the urine test. He said "Oh Really" with a smirk on his face. The doctor told him "Your daughter's pregnant, your dog has flees, your car needs an oil change, and if you don't jerkin off you're never going to get rid of that tennis elbow.".

 

[Russ]

> A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10
> husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please,
> be
> gentle; I'm still a virgin".
>
> "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married
> ten
> times.?"
>
> "Well, husband # 1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how
> great
> it was going to be.
>
> "Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it
> was
> suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
>
> "Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked
> out
> diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
>
> "Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order,
> he
> didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
>
> "Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he
> wanted
> three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art
> method.
>
> "Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he
> wasn't
> sure whether it was his job or not.
>
> "Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never
> sure
> how to position it.
>
> "Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
>
> "Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
>
> "Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........ God I
> miss
> him.
>
> " But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
>
> "Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
>
> "You're with the "GOVERNMENT"..
> This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED."

 

[Russ]

A man in Topeka , Kansas decided to write abook about Churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there.

Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign, which read 'Calls:$1,000 a minute.' Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is , in fact, a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God.



The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Dallas, St. Louis, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, hefound more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.


Finally, he arrived in Massachusetts. Upon entering a church in Boston, MA . Behold - he saw the usual golden telephone.
But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 35 cents."



Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor, "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but in the other churches the cost was $1,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 35 cents a call.

"Why?"


The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, 'Son,you're in Boston, Massachusetts now, home of the Boston Red Sox, Patriotsand Celtics.

You're in God's Country, It's a local call.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

THE KNOB
A woman in her forties went to a Plastic Surgeon for a face-lift.
The Surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob."
A small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course the woman wanted "The Knob."
Over the course of the years, the woman kept tightening the knob, and the effects were wonderful, and the woman remained young-looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the Surgeon with two
problems.
"All these years, everything has been working well. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems."
Firstly, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your Breasts."
“Well," she said, "I guess there's no point in asking how I got the Goatee beard"

 

[Marcus]

Sometimes, only sometimes, there is a deep chasm between the sense of humour that prevails in the USA and here in the UK. Danimal, right now that chasm is deep and wide.

Well well sen David hav a look at ze German senz of humour:

YouTube - Monty Python Killer Joke

 

[Mal]

Dear Wife

Dear Wife:


I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West
Virginia together! Have a great life!



Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.
So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.*
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.
I hope that's not a problem.*
KEEP A SMILE AND YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE A HAPPY THOUGHT"

 

[Paul Thompson 'Hooligan']

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

And now a Xmas Joke....

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.

John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, when the bird continued,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

 

[Chris]

What was Christopher Reeves' favorite rock band?















the Talking Heads

 

[Chris P.]

Being that this is a worldwide forum, I'll refrain from making the scientist in this joke a Pole. Make him / her whatever you wish....


A scientist is studying frogs. He trains the frog to jump on command verbally.

The scientist takes a scalpel and cuts off a front leg. He tells the frog to jump which it does.

The scientist removes another front leg and again tells the frog the jump. It sits for a moment (probably in pain) but finally makes a decent attempt at jumping, not having its front legs of course to control the trajectory very well.

The scientist then removes the left rear leg. "Jump!" he tells the frog, and sure enough, it manages a feable jump even though its aim is a bit to the right.

The scientist, then removes the last leg and tells it to jump. It does not, of course. "JUMP!", the scientist yells. Nothing. The scientist, always prepared in experiments, grabs a bullhorn and yells "JJUUUUUMMMP!" Again no response.

The scientist then opens his journal and writes his conclusion "If all four legs of a frog are removed it becomes deaf."

 

[Chris]

A man was walking along the beach and saw something partially sticking up out of the sand. He pulled it out and it looked like a magic lantern, so he decided to rub it and sure enough, a genie came out. The genie told him "I'll grant you one wish. Pick absolutely anything and I'll do it for you, anything at all.". The man pulled out a map of the Middle East and said "This is the Middle East. I want everyone in this area to live in total peace and harmony.". The genie said "Hey, I realize that I promised you absolutely anything, but that's really hard. You have to realize that these people really hate each other. There are a variety of religions and ethnic groups living there and they've been at each other's throats for thousands of years. Pick something else, anything at all.". The man said "OK, when I go home tonight I want my wife to give me an expert BJ, and I want her to enjoy it so much that she'll do it every night.", so the Genie said "Let me see that map again.".

 

[Peter Delaney]

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A teenager sat down next to him. He had spiked hair
that was red, orange, yellow, green, blue & violet.
The old man stared.
Whenever the teen looked, the old man was staring.
Finally, the teenager said sarcastically : "What's
the matter, old boy, never done anything wild in
your life?"
Without missing a beat the old man replied :" Got
drunk once and had sex with a peacock. Just
wondering if you were my son."