Jokes anyone? -

[BOB JONES]

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'Yup,' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You arsehole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!'

 

[Jim Nielsen]

SEX AFTER DEATH


A couple made a deal that whomever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact,

'Judy .Judy!'

'Is that you, Steve?'

'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'

'That's wonderful! What's it like?'

'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have Breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.'

'Oh, Steve you surely must be in Heaven!'

'Not exactly... I'm a rabbit on a golf course on Long Island

 

[Mike Inglis]

The Man Rules*******************

We always hear the rules from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, i t will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear
is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football , golf or cars

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this...Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

<TABLE width=449 align=center><TBODY><TR><TD align=middle>Research

</TD></TR><TR><TD> </TD></TR><TR><TD align=middle>

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a mans’ penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didnt really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00 ( 3 cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man’s penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead​

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

 

[Simon]

rotflmao!

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

The Dead Cow and <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

<st1laceName w:st="on">Vet</st1laceName> <st1laceType w:st="on">School</st1laceType></st1lace>



First-year students at the UC Davis Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.' For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.' 'Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.'

 

[Peter Delaney]

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'For reading a book,' she replies,
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

 

[Peter Delaney]

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips of Gold Coast, Australia was going up
to bed when his wife told
him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see
from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light
but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your
house?" and he said "no".

Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply
lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because
there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story) I LOVE IT - Don't mess with old people!!

 

[David Lowe]

One day, in line at the office cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,
'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a Doctor.'

'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,'
Mike replies. 'There's a diagnostic computer down at Bunnings Hardware. Just
give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and What to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars .... . . A lot cheaper than a
Doctor.'

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and
takes it to Bunnings.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for
the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

'You have tennis elbow Soak your arm in warm water
and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

Thank you for shopping @ Bunnings.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was,

Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog,
urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm
sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Bunnings, eager to check the results.

He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a solicitor.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Bunnings

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable style="WIDTH: 100%" cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 1.5pt; PADDING-LEFT: 1.5pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 1.5pt; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-TOP: 1.5pt" width="100%"><?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comfficeffice" /><o> </o>
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JOKE OF THE YEAR<o></o>​

<o></o>​

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE><o> </o>
<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable style="WIDTH: 100%" cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 1.5pt; PADDING-LEFT: 1.5pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 1.5pt; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-TOP: 1.5pt" width="100%">

Two women were sitting together, quietly.<o></o>​

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>




</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

 

[Bill Bayard]

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?

 

[Jeremy]

The Human Body

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men reading this are still busy checking their thumbs.

 

[Jeremy]

A stunning senior moment

Apparently, a self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with:"
Television

Jet planes

Space travel

Man walking on the moon

Our space probes have visited Mars

We have nuclear energy, ships and electric and hydrogen cars

Cell phones

Computers with light-speed processing...and more.


After a brief silence, the senior citizen responded as follows:


"You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young
........so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shit, what are you doing
for the next generation?"


'The applause was deafening.......

 

[Jeremy]

Posted to Craig's List Personals:

>
> To the Guy Who Mugged Me Downtown (Downtown, Savannah)
>
> I was the white guy with the black Burrberry jacket that you demanded I
hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You
also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come
across this message. I'd like to apologize.
>
> I didn't expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you
took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that
evening, and it wasn't that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just
bought me that Kimber 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just
picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh?
It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it?
>
> I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever
you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm
sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cell
phone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your
buddies to come help you try to mug us again. I took the liberty of
calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and
explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself some gas on your
card. I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go
Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet
itself in a dumpster.
>
> I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell. They'll be on your
bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Alltel recently shut down the
line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't
know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off
your service. I was about to make some threatening phone calls to the DA's
office with it. Oh well.
>
> So, about your pants. I know that I was a little rough on you when you
did this whole attempted mugging thing, so I'd like to make it up to you.
I'm sure you've already washed your pants, so I'd like to help you out.
I'd like to reimburse you for the detergent you used on the pants. What
brand did you use, and was it liquid or powder? I'd also like to apologize
for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm
hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you
might not be so lucky. If you read this message, email me and we'll do
lunch and laundry. Peace!

 

[Peter Delaney]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening

with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking

for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his

stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.



The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special." At that

statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring

over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweller said. The

young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.



The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweller asked how

payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need

to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.



Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man. "There's no money in that

account."



"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"

 

[Mike Inglis]

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a 'peel and win' sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming, 'I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!'
The waitress says, 'That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch.?'
But the blonde keeps on screaming,'I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!'
Finally, the manager comes over and says, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize.

The blonde says, 'No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!'And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

'W I N A B A G E L'

 

[Mike Inglis]

Irish Maths Test

An Irishman applied for a job on a construction site, but the foreman
wouldn't hire him until he passed a simple maths test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. 'Without using numbers,
represent the number 9..'
'Without numbers?' The Irishman says, 'Dat is easy,' and proceeded to draw
three trees.

'What's this?' the boss asked.
'Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree makes nine,' said the Irishman.

'Fair enough,' said the boss.
'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number
is 99.'
The Irishman stared into space for a while, then picked up the picture
that he has just drawn and made a smudge on each tree. 'Ere you go'

The boss scratched his head and said, 'How on earth do you get that to
represent 99?'

'Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and
dirty tree. Dat is 99.'

The boss was getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this
Irishman, so he said,
'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number
100.' The Irishman stared into space some more, then he picked up the
picture again and made a little mark at the base of each tree and says,
'Ere you go. One hundred.'

The boss looked at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!'

The Irishman leaned forward and pointed to the marks at the base of each
tree and said, 'A little dog came along and crapped by each tree. So now
you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a
turd, which makes one hundred.'

'So, when do I start?'

 

[John Lowe]

There was an Englishman, Israeli, and Frenchman chatting at a medical conference.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comfficeffice" /><o></o>
<o> </o>
The Israeli said "We have just given a man a lung transplant and he was up and looking for work within a week”.<o></o>
<o></o>
The French man said "That is nothing. We gave a man a lung AND a heart transplant and he was up and looking for work within a week".<o></o>
<o></o>
The Englishman looking pi***d off said "Listen, we have just transplanted two Scottish Ar**-holes into No. 10 and No. 11 and now we’re ALL looking for work!!!<o></o>
<o> </o>
John<o></o>

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Hmmmm I dont think she is happy.

 

[Aaron L.]

Hmmmm I dont think she is happy.

nothing like guerilla marketing

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