Jokes anyone? -

[Charlie Farley]

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

(You'll love this)





God replied: "I didn't f ****** recognize you."

 

[Tony Hunt]

The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing 'Father's Details,' or putting it another way.... Who's your Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check out #11, it takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks...

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.

8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you axe him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time..... Well, I don't have clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said,
"So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said,
"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice
things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture!
It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds,
pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,
"Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face!
Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,
"This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it,
saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."





The detective frowned,
took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers
in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression
and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts!

How in the world could you tell that by looking at his
picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo!
With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear
glasses."

 

[ross henry]

Sally is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens it to see a man standing there.
He asks Sally, 'Do you have a vagina?' Shocked, she slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door & it is the same man. He asks the same question 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home, she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.
The next morning they hear a knock at the door & both run for the door.. The husband whispers to the wife, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door & listen.
If it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'. She nods to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. 'Do you have vagina?''
"Yes' she says.
The man replies.. 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'

 

[Paul Thompson 'Hooligan']

A Cow's Tail

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'

'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'

'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!''

'I don't remember much after that'

 

[Keith]

<TABLE style="MARGIN: auto auto auto 8.4pt; mso-cellspacing: 0cm; mso-yfti-tbllook: 1184; mso-padding-alt: 0cm 0cm 0cm 0cm" class=MsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR style="mso-yfti-irow: 0; mso-yfti-firstrow: yes; mso-yfti-lastrow: yes"><TD style="BORDER-BOTTOM: #d4d0c8; BORDER-LEFT: #d4d0c8; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0cm; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent; PADDING-LEFT: 0cm; PADDING-RIGHT: 0cm; BORDER-TOP: #d4d0c8; BORDER-RIGHT: #d4d0c8; PADDING-TOP: 0cm" vAlign=top><TABLE style="mso-cellspacing: 0cm; mso-yfti-tbllook: 1184; mso-padding-alt: 0cm 0cm 0cm 0cm" class=MsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR style="mso-yfti-irow: 0; mso-yfti-firstrow: yes; mso-yfti-lastrow: yes"><TD style="BORDER-BOTTOM: #d4d0c8; BORDER-LEFT: #d4d0c8; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0cm; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent; PADDING-LEFT: 0cm; PADDING-RIGHT: 0cm; BORDER-TOP: #d4d0c8; BORDER-RIGHT: #d4d0c8; PADDING-TOP: 0cm" vAlign=top>An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappearedat the doctor's office and gave him the jar,which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the old man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.

Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.'

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.

She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,then with her teeth out, still nothing.'

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbour?'

The old man replied,
'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'











</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

 

[Mike]

From the Australian Board of Tourism:
These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? ( UK)

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA)

A epends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)

A : Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK)

A : What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________

Q : Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA)

A: A-f-r-i-c-a is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe . Au-s-tra-l-i-a is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA)

A : Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA)
A : Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is... Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys' Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany)
A : No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA)
A : Rattlesnakes live in A-m-e-r-i-c-a which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA)

A : It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA)

A : Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France)

A : Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA)

A : Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

 

[David Morton]

Just brilliant Mike.

 

[Bill Musarra]

Second Opinion!

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your blinding headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.' The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 36 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.' Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 38.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

The Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.


The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of$72,000.


The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.


The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,

'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'


It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.


The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,'which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,

''Where are your testicles?''
The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam''.

 

[Keith]

CAPTION CONTEST

Make me laugh - go on, I dare you :veryangry:

Helpful Hint: She is not unconnected with Cricket... :laugh:

 

[Malcolm]

Howzat!

 

[Keith]

Not bad mate - a bit obvious but not bad. Come on you Oz!

We have at least 4 cricketing nations represented here - there must be some other ideas.

OK Clue Number 2: Who is she?

 

[Chris P.]

One for the twelfth man.

 

[Malcolm]

Well I did resist adding to the Howzat that the umpire then raised his finger......

 

[Max Walter]

Groundswoman commended on her pitch maintenance...

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Hmmmm Looks like a sticky wicket, lets have a bat.

 

[Peter Delaney]

>
>
> MY PRIVATE PART DIED.........
>
> An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One
> day he appeared
> to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked him if
> there was anything
> wrong, 'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace. 'My Private
> Part died today,
> and I am very sad.' Knowing her patients were a little
> forgetful and
> sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry,
> Mr. Wallace.
> Please accept my condolences.'
>
> The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall
> with his Private
> Part hanging out of his pyjamas. He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr.
> Wallace,' she
> said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.
> Please put your
> Private Part back inside your pyjamas.' 'But, Nurse
> Tracy I can't,' replied
> Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part
> died. 'Yes,' said
> Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging
> out of your
> pyjamas?'
>
>
> (You've gotta love this .)
>
>
>
>
>
> 'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
>

 

[Max Walter]

Back to the caption...

LBW = Ladies Briefs Wanted

IPL = I'm Panty-Less

Added this one as I believe I worked out the connection - Shilpa Shetty & husband Raj Kundra = part owners of IPL team Rajasthan Royals (bit of a hunch, bit of Wiki research).

 

[Chris E]

If it is Shilpa Shetty, then Goody Goody!