Jokes anyone? -

David Morton · Nov 13, 2010

A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same
tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each
week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show,
"Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers
under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after
all,the captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank,
drowning almost all who were on board.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in
the
middle of the sea, as fate would have it .. with the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... and then 2 days ... and then 3 days ..

On the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer
and said.............

"OK, I give up. Where's the f**#ing ship?"

David Morton · Nov 14, 2010

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?' She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.

I said, 'Well, why are you crying?'
She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.'
I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?' She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'

Keith1 · Nov 15, 2010

Don't Ever Mess with the Mrs....

When they get cross with you for something you MAY have done they will not tell you what it is and they have many devious ways of getting their own back against your (many) transgressions..

For example:

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, ! 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'F..k it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic 75 pound fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T You shut the f..k up??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

And just when you think it can't get any worse:

'Yes, but only when he's pissed.'

Pete · Nov 16, 2010

Have you ever wondered what the difference between a Grandmother and
a grandfather is?

Well here it is:

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a morning
available when he would take his 7-year old granddaughter for a drive in
the car for some bonding time -- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and just wanted to stay
in bed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take
their granddaughter out in the car.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see how her
Grandfather was.

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?'

'Great, Grandpa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a
single tosser, blind bastard, dick-head or wanker anywhere today!'

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

IanAnderson · Nov 16, 2010

Wal-Mart, Are you Kidding Me ????????????

So I went to Wal-Mart and saw that they had Obama Christmas Tree ornaments....

Now isn't that something'???

Suddenly it's OK to hang a black man from a tree again??????????

wolodymyr · Nov 16, 2010

A spaceship landed in a field opposite a petrol station, and two aliens got out.
One older and wiser, the other younger and more impetuous.
They walked across to the petrol station and to the nearest pump.
'Take us to your leader!' they said.
Silence;
'Earthling, take us to your leader!' again.
No Reply;
The two aliens exchanged glances, the younger one clearly annoyed.
'Look, we've come a long way, and I don't have time for this. I'm asking you nicely,
now take us to your leader! he nervously began to fiddle with his ray gun.

Silence;

The older alien looked at him, and said 'steady now son, take it easy.'

'Take it easy? I've had it with this, I didn't come all this way to be insulted, look, I'll give him
one more chance.'
The older alien tried to calm him, 'Look son, give it up, listen to an old hand, I've been round the galaxy a few times, and I know about this kind of stuff. Nothing good will come of losing it, just calm down a bit.'
Clearly agitated, the younger alien took his ray gun in his hand and said 'Look, it's not too much to ask, come on, take us to your leader, let's go!
Nothing;
'Easy now son!' as the younger alien said 'that's it, f**** you' and fired.
Whump!. A terrific explosion enveloped them in a ball of flame, and threw them both high across the road and back into the field.
'What the ?'
l
l
l
l
The older alien picked himself up, dazed and charred, and said;
'I told you, dumbhead, I've been around a while, and I know these things; when you see a guy six foot tall who has a dick as long as that slung over his shoulder, you DO NOT mess with him!

David Morton · Nov 17, 2010

<TABLE style="COLOR: #000000" class=ecxMsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top>Subject: New Bra

<TABLE style="COLOR: #000000" class=ecxMsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 1.5pt; PADDING-LEFT: 1.5pt; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-RIGHT: 1.5pt; PADDING-TOP: 1.5pt" width="100%"><TABLE style="COLOR: #000000" class=ecxMsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top>New Bra

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a
bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and
prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather
sets in.

At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of
men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

Pete · Nov 17, 2010

David Morton said:
<TABLE style="COLOR: #000000" class=ecxMsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top>Subject: New Bra

<TABLE style="COLOR: #000000" class=ecxMsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top>

<TABLE style="COLOR: #000000" class=ecxMsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top>

<TABLE style="COLOR: #000000" class=ecxMsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top>

<TABLE style="COLOR: #000000" class=ecxMsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 1.5pt; PADDING-LEFT: 1.5pt; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-RIGHT: 1.5pt; PADDING-TOP: 1.5pt" width="100%"><TABLE style="COLOR: #000000" class=ecxMsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top>New Bra

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a
bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and
prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather
sets in.

At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of
men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

Gold :laugh::laugh::laugh::thumbsup:

Pete · Nov 17, 2010

Question: What is a bastard exactly?*

Quite often we ask ourselves hard to answer questions, like,

"What is a bastard?"

In the photo attached, the guy on the right is a member of a bomb squad in the middle of a deactivation.

The guy behind him, well,he's a bastard.

IanAnderson · Nov 18, 2010

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,

when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
He began to rub all over of my body.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard

IanAnderson · Nov 18, 2010

Extracts from letters written to local councils:

1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

23. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more

David Morton · Nov 18, 2010

A man in a London Tesco tries to buy half a cauliflower. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflower. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager 'Some prat out there wants to buy half a cauliflower.'
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'
' Liverpool , sir,' the boy replied.
'Well, why did you leave Liverpool ?' the manager asked.
The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers up there.'
'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Liverpool .'
'You're kidding?' replied the boy. 'Who did she play for?'

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

ross henry · Nov 18, 2010

After a visit to a massage parlour young Peter discovers a lump on his penis, so he goes to the doctor and has it checked out.
“I’m afraid that this is serious” says the doctor after examining him!!
“You know how rugby players get cauliflower ear?”
“Yes” replies Peter very shakily.
“Well!!” Says the doctor “YOU have a brothel sprout”

wbmusarra · Nov 18, 2010

Try this test and find out what movie is your favorite. This amazing math
quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Don't
ask me how, but it really works!

Movie Quiz:

Pick a number from 1-9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3.

Multiply by 3 again.

Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in
the list of 18 movies below.

Movie List:

1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Defeat of Obama in 2012
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story

Pete · Nov 18, 2010

SCOTTISH CIRCUS

A salesman drove into a small town in the Highlands where a circus was in progress. A sign read: 'Don't miss Allan The Amazing Scotsman'.

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on an illuminated centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willie and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't miss Allan The Amazing Scotsman'.

He couldn't believe the old man was still alive, much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his impressive appendage. The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?'

'Well laddie,' said Allan, 'Ma eyes are no' whit they used tae be.'

David Morton · Nov 19, 2010

YORKSHIRE BORN & BRED
A rugby league fan is drinking in a London
bar, when he gets a
call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning
from ear to ear, and
orders a round of drinks for everybody,
announcing his wife
has just given birth to a typical Yorkshire
baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at
25 pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and
replies, "That's about
average in Yorkshire ... Like I said, my
boy's a typical Yorkshire
baby boy. Gonna be a rugby league player."

Congratulations
showered him from all around, amid many
exclamations of "WOW!"
One woman actually fainted due to
sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The
bartender says, "Say, aren't
you the father of that typical Yorkshire baby
that weighed 25 pounds
at birth? Everybody's been making bets
about how big he'd be in two
weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father
answers, "Twenty pounds." The
bartender is puzzled, concerned and a
little suspicious. "What happened? He
already weighed 25 pounds the
day he was born!"
The Yorkshireman takes a slow swig of his
Tetley's bitter, wipes his lips on his
shirt sleeve, leans into the
bartender and proudly says "Had him circumcised..."

wolodymyr · Nov 19, 2010

For our antipodean friends, please feel free to interchange the roles as you wish

An Aussie/ NZ ventriloquist was on holiday in NZ / Aus.
He met a farmer and thought he would have some fun with him.
He told the farmer that he had a special gift, that he could make animals talk.

Disbelieving, the farmer said, 'ok, well talk to my dog then'.
The ventriloquist asked the dog how he was treated by his master.
To the farmers amazement, the dog seemed to reply, saying that he was treated very well, taken for long walks and was very well looked after.

Next they went on to the horse, and he asked the same question.
'Well my master takes me for long rides, but he always feeds me well, and never treats me unkindly'.
The farmer seemed pleased.

Next, the ventriloquist turned to the sheep and was about to ask the same question, but before he could utter a word, a worried look came across the face of the farmer who said ---
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.'THE SHEEP'S A LIAR!'

simonjrwinter · Nov 20, 2010

Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which
got tighter & tighter as the day went on.
That night after the festivities were finally over, she and
Charles retired to their room at the palace.
Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes, darling, one's feet are killing one.'
Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe
with vigour, but it would not budge.
'Harder!' yelled Camilla.
'Harder?' Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's
just so bloody tight!'
'Come on, give it all you've got! ' she cried.
Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and
Camilla exclaimed 'Oh God, that feels so good.'
In their bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince
Phillip and said, 'See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that!'
Meanwhile, back in the their bedroom, Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe, when he cried out, 'Oh, God, darling this one's even tighter!'
At which point, Prince Phillip turned and said to the
Queen: 'That's my boy. Once a Navy man, always a Navy man

Pete · Nov 22, 2010

Inventions
I know that all of you have hobbies, such as sports, collections of all
kinds, pets, computer, etc., but I want to tell you about mine.

I like to invent things. Sometimes they are really good and sometimes they just don't work out, but it's still a lot of fun.

Just recently I went to the patent office trying to register some of my
inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk
had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal information
and then asked me what it was that I had invented.

I said, "A folding bottle."

She said, "Okay, what do you call it?"

"A Fottle," I replied.

"What else do you have, she asked?"

"A folding carton."

"And, what do you call it?"

"A Farton."

She snickered, saying, "Those are very silly names for products, and one of
them even sounds quite crude."

I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office
without telling her about my folding bucket

molleur · Nov 22, 2010

Precious Pete!

Jokes anyone? -

David Morton

David Morton

Keith

Pete McCluskey.

Ian Anderson

Attachments

Dave Bilyk

Dave Bilyk

David Morton

Pete McCluskey.

Pete McCluskey.

Attachments

Ian Anderson

Ian Anderson

David Morton

ross henry

Bill Musarra

Pete McCluskey.

David Morton

Dave Bilyk

Dave Bilyk

Simon

Pete McCluskey.

Jack

Similar threads