Jokes anyone? -
- Thread starter p thompson
- Start date
got pulled over by the police last night, he said “papers” i said “scissors, i win” and drove off
lol.....
Mike Pass
Supporter
The Queen was visiting an asylum and the the staff decided to bring out their star patient. He was brought to the queen who enquired as to what he was going to do when he returned to the outside world. He said " I might become a sculptor or a painter, I might carry on with my law degree and qualify as a lawyer, I might turn to religion and become a preacher.Or I might just carry one being a teapot."
Always love a woman for her personality. They usually have around 10 so you can choose.
My doctor asked if any members of my family suffered from insanity. I replied, no, we all seem to enjoy it.
The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M4 near Bridgend recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorrys, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry"
My doctor asked if any members of my family suffered from insanity. I replied, no, we all seem to enjoy it.
The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M4 near Bridgend recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorrys, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry"
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
that is a Shocker!
The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon:
"I have some good news and, I have some bad news”
The tycoon replies: "I’ve had an awful day, let's hear the good news first”.
The lawyer says:
“Your wife invested £5,000 in two pictures today and she figures they are
worth a minimum of £2 million”.
The tycoon replies enthusiastically:
“Well done, very good news indeed! You've just made my day;
Now what’s the bad news?”
The lawyer answers:
“The pictures are of you shagging your secretary”.
"I have some good news and, I have some bad news”
The tycoon replies: "I’ve had an awful day, let's hear the good news first”.
The lawyer says:
“Your wife invested £5,000 in two pictures today and she figures they are
worth a minimum of £2 million”.
The tycoon replies enthusiastically:
“Well done, very good news indeed! You've just made my day;
Now what’s the bad news?”
The lawyer answers:
“The pictures are of you shagging your secretary”.
Party Responsibly.... Well, sorta......
-----
Some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.
Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I might be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.
Sure enough, on the way home there was a police road block; but since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.
This turned out to be a real surprise, as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage, I don't know what to do with it.
-----
Some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.
Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I might be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.
Sure enough, on the way home there was a police road block; but since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.
This turned out to be a real surprise, as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage, I don't know what to do with it.
David Morton
Lifetime Supporter
John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Ken.
So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Ken and asked, 'Ken, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do , ' s aid Ken.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Ken said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Ken's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?...
You know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day
So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Ken and asked, 'Ken, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do , ' s aid Ken.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Ken said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Ken's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?...
You know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day
David Lowe
Lifetime Supporter
Things that end with “tor"
A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with “tor” and that also ate things.
The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word."
The second boy said, "Predator."
“Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."
After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."
“ Well" said Johnny "my mother has one and she says it eats fucking batteries like there's no tomorrow!"
A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with “tor” and that also ate things.
The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word."
The second boy said, "Predator."
“Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."
After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."
“ Well" said Johnny "my mother has one and she says it eats fucking batteries like there's no tomorrow!"
:idea: AM I SAFER?
I disconnected my home alarm system today which was costing me $49.95 a month. Instead I purchased two Pakistani Flags and placed one on each corner of my yard and was able to find and purchase the Black ISIS flag which now stands in the center of my yard. I figure I've got the local Police, Sheriff, FBI, CIA Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies watching the house 24/7 and I've never felt safer in my life!
I disconnected my home alarm system today which was costing me $49.95 a month. Instead I purchased two Pakistani Flags and placed one on each corner of my yard and was able to find and purchase the Black ISIS flag which now stands in the center of my yard. I figure I've got the local Police, Sheriff, FBI, CIA Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies watching the house 24/7 and I've never felt safer in my life!
A class was given a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class. He picked up a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.
"It's a 'period'," he replied.
"I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so exciting about a 'period'?"
"Darned if I know," said the boy, "but yesterday my sister was missing one, Mum fainted, Dad had a heart attack and the boy next door joined the Navy."
When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class. He picked up a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.
"It's a 'period'," he replied.
"I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so exciting about a 'period'?"
"Darned if I know," said the boy, "but yesterday my sister was missing one, Mum fainted, Dad had a heart attack and the boy next door joined the Navy."
An elderly Cajun man - Boudreaux - lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite beignets wafting up the stairs.
Boudreaux gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven! For there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table, were hundreds of his favorite beignets.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of 60 years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the beignets was already in his mouth.
With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly, he was smacked with a wooden spoon by Clotile.
“Stop!” she said. “Those are for the funeral!!”
Boudreaux gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven! For there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table, were hundreds of his favorite beignets.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of 60 years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the beignets was already in his mouth.
With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly, he was smacked with a wooden spoon by Clotile.
“Stop!” she said. “Those are for the funeral!!”
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
This guy probably needs money for his divorce:
http://www.hornoxe.com/da-wirft-sich-schon-wieder-jemand-vor-ein-auto/
(Try telling your insurance that he jumped onto your bonnet...)
http://www.hornoxe.com/da-wirft-sich-schon-wieder-jemand-vor-ein-auto/
(Try telling your insurance that he jumped onto your bonnet...)
Pat
Supporter
FOR YOU MUSIC LOVERS
Top Ten Country & Western Songs of All Time
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman; But I Woke Up With A Few.
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win'.
5. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here.
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend...I Miss Him.
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.
And the number one Country&Western song is...
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day.
Top Ten Country & Western Songs of All Time
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman; But I Woke Up With A Few.
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win'.
5. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here.
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend...I Miss Him.
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.
And the number one Country&Western song is...
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day.
David Morton
Lifetime Supporter
A woman and her twelve-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the Truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?”
"Most of them become taxi drivers," she said.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the Truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?”
"Most of them become taxi drivers," she said.
