Jokes anyone? -

Pete

Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
BOOM BOOM:lol::lol::lol:

Bugger turned the page on me. See Nicks joke on previous page.


A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.
Then, the still shaking driver said, 'Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the driver so badly.
The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my Fault Today is my very first day driving a cab . . . . . . . ..
I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years.

...................................................................................................................

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."
 
Last edited:
K

Keith

Moderator
British Prime Minister David Cameron has announced he intends to make it more difficult to claim social security benefits.

From next Monday the forms will be printed in English.
 
W

Bill Musarra

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Fort Myers, Florida. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, 'Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 cents. They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour one for you!
What's it to be, Gentlemen?'
There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender Serves up four iced martinis. Shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll be 10 cents each, please.'
The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at each other they can't believe their good luck.
They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, 'That's 40 cents, please.' They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.
They have each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar.
Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?'
'I'm a retired tailor from Boston ,' the bartender said, 'and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same.'
Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men.
The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.
One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'
The bartender says, 'Oh, they're all old retired guys from Illinois, waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price.'
 
David Lowe

David Lowe

Lifetime Supporter
Boobs vs. Willies

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers,

'Well, son, a woman goes through three Phases.
In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm.
In Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how Many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through Three phases also.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and Hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes --- dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration.'
 
IanAnderson

Ian Anderson

Lifetime Supporter
Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."
Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."
Today, the present economy has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!
I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, immigration, etc . . . I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English.
I was connected to a call centre in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
 
W

Bill Musarra

A guy cruises thru a stop sign, and gets pulled over by a local policeman. Guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit."Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CHL permit. Are you carrying today?""Yes, I am.""Well then, better tell me what you got."Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket. There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box. And, I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot.""Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?""Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun. That's about it.""Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?""Nope.""Well then, what are you afraid of...?"

"Not a damn thing..."
04.gif
 
D

David Morton

Lifetime Supporter


Irish Hunters




<TABLE border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=2 width="100%"><TBODY><TR><TD style="DIRECTION: ltr; FONT-SIZE: 12pt" width="100%">
<TABLE border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0cm; PADDING-LEFT: 0cm; PADDING-RIGHT: 0cm; PADDING-TOP: 0cm" vAlign=top>Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.

They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."


</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>





</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>





 
R

ross henry

Letter to Men's Helpline:-

Hey Mate, really need your advice for a serious problem:

I have suspected for some time now that the missus has been cheating.
The usual signs; Phone rings, if I answer the caller hangs up, going out with the girls a lot.
I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.


Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat, when she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse,
then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on... It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, I noticed... a "hairline crack" in the outboard mounting bracket.....
Is that something I can weld myself or do I need to replace it?



 
D

David Morton

Lifetime Supporter
Teacher:


Little Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who
have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?


Little Johnny answered:



Drin-king, smo-king, and bon-king.
 
IanAnderson

Ian Anderson

Lifetime Supporter
Doesn't take long, does it!
A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant
said "Can I help you?"
"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road" she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near
the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there,
removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his
way with me".
Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.
"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".
"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"
"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

(Perhaps this could have been an England player after the last innings!)
 
Pete

Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
IanAnderson said:
Doesn't take long, does it!
A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant
said "Can I help you?"
"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road" she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near
the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there,
removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his
way with me".
Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.
"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".
"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"
"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

(Perhaps this could have been an England player after the last innings!)
Click to expand...
It would of been Warnie.
 
Pete

Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
Two Jewish gentlemen were discussing insurance, "you need burglary fire and
flood insurance" said the first. "I can understand theft and fire'' said the second
"but how do you start a flood"?
 
A

Al Wohlstrom

Understanding Engineers #1
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers #2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers #3
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers #4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers #5
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers #6
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers #7
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers #8
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."
 
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