If you can read this whole story without laughing then there is no hope
I was crying by the end.
Note: please take time to read this slowly.
For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is.
actually have a curry cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major
portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB.
Judge 3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting
Frank: 'Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Curry
Cook off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and besides, they
told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted'.
Here are the scorecard notes from the event.
CURRY 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY Judge 1 -- A little too
heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge 3 (Frank) -- Holy , what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
CURRY 2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY
Judge 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chilli tang.
Judge 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken
Judge 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.
CURRY 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS 'BURN DOWN THE GARAGE' CURRY Judge 1 --
Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.
Judge 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chilli peppers.
Judge 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uranium pill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting p*ssed from all
CURRY 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY Judge 1 -- Black bean curry
with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a curry.
Judge 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting
to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an
Judge 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the
chilli peppers make a strong statement.
Judge 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chilli had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding
by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning
my lips off.
It really p*sses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
CURRY 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY Judge 1 -- Thin yet bold
vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Judge 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to sh*t myself if I fart and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore I need to wipe
my ar*e with a snow cone ice-cream.
CURRY 7 - SELINA'S 'MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE' CURRY Judge 1 -- A mediocre
curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chilli peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage
that I am worried about Judge 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress
as he is cursing uncontrollably).
Judge 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing - it's too painful. Scr*w it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway.
If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my
CURRY 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY Judge 1 -- The perfect ending.
This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
Judge 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge 3 farted, passed out,
fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really
Wife by text to husband at work ............
"Windows at home frozen - what should I do?"
Husband - "spray some de-icer or pour hot water on them"
Wife a few minutes later - "Done that - now computer won't work at
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the
head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break
and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is
angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the
bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy
bears have their picks nicked.
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could
Local Police hunting the 'Knitting Needle Nutter', who has stabbed six
people in the village in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could
be following some kind of pattern.
The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table
when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no
reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I
would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at
the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified...
Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but
the ironing is building up!"
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could
check her balance, so I pushed her over.
And for David Morton:
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you
believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my
It was the Scotland/Wales rugby International weekend in Edinburgh and as the crowds made their way down Princes’ Street towards Murrayfield, a Rottweiler suddenly lunged towards an eight year old Scottish lass, with its jaws wide open ready to attack. The crowd nearby gasped in horror but, quick as a flash, a man in red jumped out of the crowd, grabbed the dog by the throat and throttled it. As the dead dog lay there, and the crowd cheered in admiration, a journalist from the Glasgow Herald who had witnessed the heroic deed, went up to the man and said, 'That was brilliant, I can see the headline now –
'Welsh Rugby Fan Saves Young Girl From Certain Death'. The man replied, 'No you've got it wrong. I'm not here for the rugby!' 'Don't worry' said the journalist, 'I can see the headline now –
'Scotsman Saves Girl From Jaws Of Rottweiler'. The man replied, 'No you're wrong again. I'm not Scottish; I'm from London .'
The journalist said, 'Don't worry; I can see the headline now – 'English Bastard Strangles Family Pet'
Once Upon A Time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom, and you can prepare my meals, and clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."
That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she laughed to herself and thought, "I don't fucking think so.
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were
going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough….once she
killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought…Sod
I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got
downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30.
An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Norwegian, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie,
a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian,
an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a
Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a
Brazilian, a Canadian, an Argentinian, a Korean and a Swiss man walked
into a pub. The bouncer says “Sorry.. I can’t let you in without a
A man returns home a day early after a business trip. It's after midnight.
While in the taxi home, he asks the cabby if he'll be a witness to his wife's adultery which he suspects.
For £100, the cabby agrees.
On arriving home, the husband and taxi driver tip toe to the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money‚
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your private box at the football ground.
HE paid for our holiday house on the Riviera.
HE paid for your Hawaiian golf vacation.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays some of our household bills!'
Shaking his head, the husband lowers the gun.
He looks over at the taxi-driver and asks, 'What do you think about that?
The taxi-driver without hesitation replies, 'I'd cover him up before he catches a chill.'