Jokes anyone? -

[Bill Musarra]

OOOOOPS

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading, when the wife looks
over at him and asks a bold question:

WIFE: “What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: “Definitely not!”

WIFE: “Why not? Don’t you like being married?”
HUSBAND: “Of course I do.”

WIFE: “Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”
HUSBAND: “Okay, then I’d get married again.”

WIFE: “You would?” (with a hurtful look on her face)
HUSBAND: makes an audible groan

WIFE": “Would you live in our house?”
HUSBAND: “Sure, it’s a great house.”

WIFE: “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”
HUSBAND: “Where else would we sleep?”

WIFE: “Would you let her drive my car?”
HUSBAND: “Probably, it’s almost new.”

WIFE: “Would you replace my pictures with hers?”
HUSBAND: “That would seem the proper thing to do.”

WIFE: “Would she use my golf clubs?”
HUSBAND: “No, she’s left-handed.”

WIFE: ---silence---
HUSBAND: “Oh, shit.”

 

[Bob Fechter]

Here's a joke for you......



I'll wager that Pete wishes he'd kept his bloody mouth shut now!

;~)

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up
big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as mustang.
He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.
When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had
only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.
After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy
finally called him into his office for the young man's
last interview.The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong
kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all
look good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude
Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted.
We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son." Then, sliding
a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief
said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot: six illegal aliens,
six lawyers, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists,
six Democrats, and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.
"You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Here's a joke for you......



I'll wager that Pete wishes he'd kept his bloody mouth shut now!

You are so correct:embarassed:

 

[Keith]

Aawwww, cheer up Pete - it was well intentioned, but the debate reflects the seemingly unbridgeable political systems now in evidence in the West.

Anyway mate, to cheer yourself up, why not unzip a bird - like this one perhaps...

 

[Pat]

Well since the subject of guns seems to be quite the rage elsewhere in the paddock, I thought what goes better with guns than country music. Here are some of my favorite lesser known titles from 2012...

TOP 10 COUNTRY WESTERN SONGS of 2012:

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.

9. I Ain’t Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few.

8. If The Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me.

7. I’ve Missed You, But My Aim’s Improvin’.

6. Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dogfight ‘Cause I’m Scared She’d Win.

5. I’m So Miserable Without You It’s Like You’re Still Here.

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.

2. She’s Lookin’ Better with Every Beer.

And the Number One Country & Western song is:

1. It’s Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day

 

[Bob Fechter]

Sexual Harassment
Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine.

He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, the woman can't stand it any more.

She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and

asks to file a Sexual Harassment grievance against the guy.

The supervisor is puzzled and asks,

"What's threatening about a co-worker

telling you your hair smells nice?"

"It's Frank. The midget."

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, My wife and I, listened to the
instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the
things that are important to each other."

He then addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's
favourite flower?"

I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently, and whispered,
"White Wings Self-Raising Flour, isn't it?"
And thus began my life of celibacy!

 

[Tom P]

Something to offend everyone!

Son said to Dad "I'm Gay."
Dad looks at his other son and said "What about you?"
Other son said "Me too Dad."
Dad said "Bloody hell, doesn't anyone in this bloody family like pussy?"
The Daughter said "I do."

10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident.
At the Pearly Gates St Peter says "If any of you are Paedophiles you can
bugger off down to Hell."
Nine of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out "And take this deaf
bastard with you."

In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what you do if
you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath. Answer; throw in your
washing. We were all having a good laugh about this, when this big bastard
tapped me on the shoulder and said "I don't find that very funny. My brother
was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits."
I said "Sorry mate. Did he drown?"
"No," he said, "he choked on a sock."

The wife said to me last night "If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it
up the arse." Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first..

My mate reckons he always cries after sex. Mind you....he is in Prison.

The wife came out of the bathroom and said "I have just shaved my pussy and
you know what that means don't you?"
I said "Yeah, the bloody plug hole is blocked again."

Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night. Picked him up in a night club. He Looked
like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman. Even kissed like a
woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight
parking slot in one fluid movement.! That's when I thought "Just wait a minute."

I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted "Where you off to Charlie?"
He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."
Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing. .then said, "That's gonna be
a bit awkward init?"
"Not really." he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard."

 

[Jim Rosenthal]

Ah, yes, from the land of great beer and even better jokes.......if I moved there, I'd never come home.

 

[David Lowe]

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.
To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.

The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your Monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the Monkey ate and left.

Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it.

Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it. The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.

"He will eat anything, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

 

[Jack]

A man was invited to some old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 60 years. While the wife was off in the kitchen, the guy said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."

His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."

 

[Jack]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over friday night have dinner with her parents. Since this is a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some concoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an an hour. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack. That night, he shows up at the girl's parents house. He goes in side and sit at dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. He took about 20 mins with no movement and head still down. The girl leaned over and whispered: "I had no idea you were this religious."The boy whispered back, "I had no idea your dad was a pharmacist."

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Fifty Sheds Of Grey
We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall...
but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.

She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
“I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.”
So I took her to Bunning’s.

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.

“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly.
“Mmmm, kinky!” she purred.
“Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”

“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.”
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!”
“Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?”

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
“I think so,” I gulped. “Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.

“Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
“Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got fat ankles and no dress sense.”

“Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.”
She nodded.
“Okay,” I said, putting the lounge suite on eBay.

“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”
“Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

 

[Jack]

THE BIG CRASH

It is the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the centre of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, miraculously neither driver is hurt.
They both get out. One is a doctor, one is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the police on his cell phone and they say they will be there within 20 minutes.
It’s cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who then puts it away.
“Aren’t you going to have a drink?” the doctor says.
“AFTER the police get here.” replies the lawyer

 

[Tom P]

I have sex daily,
I mean dyslexia,
Fcuk!

 

[BenL]

You missed the best one for this forum from "50 Sheds of Grey"!

https://twitter.com/50ShedsofGrey

She said she wanted me to be more romantic so I gave her a massage with essential oils - Castrol GTX and WD-40.

or if you prefer

Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave surge through it. I probably should have told her about the new electric fence.

 

[Pat]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise
for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said,
"I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible motorcycle
wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and
the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled
gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom
must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went
on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors
performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece
together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to
hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as
they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of
the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover
completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively
asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

 

[Keith]

 

[Bob Fechter]

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost… It’s a man thing.

 

[Nick]

The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table
When she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no
Reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change"

Did I hear right? On the radio it said that dogs in England now have to be microchipped -
and they're thinking of extending the scheme to whales...

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the
Head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

Went on a once in a lifetime holiday! Never again!

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.