Jokes anyone? -

The Journey of Man

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

When I was 18 and in college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency. She was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 21, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 35, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
 
A female dwarf goes to the doctor complaining of an embarrassing itch in the groin area.

The doctor looks her up and down, picks her up and stands her on his desk.

He lifts up her skirt and sticks his head under. A little perplexed, she hears snip, snip, snip.

The doctor emerges from under her skirt . "How's that?"

"Well it's a lot better actually, but....... it's still there"

Undaunted, he dives under her skirt for another go.

Snip, snip, snip. Out he comes.

"How's that?" He asks, more confident.

"That's wonderful, what did you do?"

"I trimmed the top of your Ugg boots"
 
Little bit tasteless, but here we go;

- Do You speak english?
- Yes
- Name?
- Abdul al-Rhasib
- Sex?
- 3-5 times a week
- No, no. I mean male or female?
- Yes, male, female, sometimes camel
- Holy cow!!
- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general
- But isn`t it hostile?
- Horse style, doggy style, any style!
- Oh dear!!!
- No, no! Deer runs too fast...
 
Life problems and solutions The human body has 7 trillion nerves; my wife manages to get on every one of them.

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I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. They're brilliant. It makes the wife look like she’s actually moving during sex.

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My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate. I was so shocked, I almost tripped over my cock.

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I went to the doctor’s office the other day and found out that my new doctor is young, female and drop dead gorgeous. I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don't worry, I'm a professional, I've seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I'll check it out." I said, “My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny”

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I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal. Dyslexic bitch, it turns out that she loves Alan, my best friend…

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A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, “Don't enter that church, you damn fool” His wife asks him, “What are you watching?” Husband replies, “Our bloody wedding video”

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Life is like a penis....soft and hanging freely. It’s women that make it hard.

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I said to the wife, “Get me a newspaper” “Don't be silly,” she said “You can borrow my new iPad” That spider never knew what hit it.

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I bought an expensive perfume for my wife called Chloroform, but she says she doesn't like it. She says that it makes her sleepy and her ass sore.
 

Peter Delaney

GT40s Supporter
Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.
After nearly six months, she woke up and saw that she was no longer pregnant.
Frantically she asked the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replied, "You had twins, a boy and a girl.
The babies are fine. However they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately, so your brother Paddy came in and named them."
The woman thought to herself, "Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother. He's a clueless idiot.” Expecting the worst, she asked the doctor, "Well, what's my daughter's name?"
"Denise," said the doctor.
The new mother was somewhat relieved and thought to herself, 'Wow, that's a really beautiful name. I guess I was wrong about my brother, I really like Denise.'
Then she asked, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replied, "Denephew."
 

Ian Anderson

Lifetime Supporter
Supporter
During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:-

"Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.

Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Don't remove your clothes...

Just stick out your tongue!"
 

Glenn M

Supporter
Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2013.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but I've been told there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Any advice would be helpful, many thanks.
 
You're fucked, mate. And I don't mean in a good way. Two options left, which are Suicide 1.0, or SuicideSimulator1.2. In order to run SS1.2, you'll need IDChange1.0 and OffshoreAsset2.3. I'd suggest having them billed to a credit card that Wife1.0 can't detect.

In order to run Suicide1.0, you don't need anything but the obvious. Kind of drastic, though.
 
I tried the Wife 1.0 add-on, Child. The Child starts off in beta and then auto updates on an annual basis. There was a lot of fun up until Child 12.0 and then it got buggy as hell. They finally sorted it out by Child 20.1, but I had Child 18.2 and Child 13.7 running simultaneously by then. The good news was that Wife 1.0 was great support in troubleshooting the Child program and a lot of the initial concerns with the Wife program became trivial with use. I am running Wife 1.0 vs. 35 now with no issues.

As an aside I now have Child 31.6 running his own version of Wife 1.0 and they have a sub-routine of Grandbaby. They are currently running Grandbaby 1.2 and it is the best program ever.
 

Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
A friend ran no wife v1.0, no kids v1.0, he has now installed Ferrari . V2013, yacht v2005,
Spanish Villa,v2000, several versions of eye candy .101. And big smile v.2013.
 
The last four ex-U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

'WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?'

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: 'I've come for some courage.'

'NO PROBLEM!' says the Wizard. 'WHO IS NEXT?'

Ronald Reagan steps forward, 'Well........., I.......I think I need a brain.'

'DONE' says the Wizard.

'WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?'

Up steps George Bush sadly, 'I'm told by the American people that I need a heart.'

'I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!' says the Wizard. 'CONSIDER IT DONE.'

There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks,
'WHAT DO YOU WANT?'

'Is Dorothy here?'
 
NASA sent a team of astronauts to the hottest part of the desert in Arizona to train for their forthcoming 30 month voyage to Mars. One day they come across a couple of American Indians. The father, who only spoke Navajo, asked his son what they were up to .

"My father wants to know what you're doing here," the son says.

"We are training for the first manned trip to Mars," said the air force colonel.

The son told his father what they were up to, and they had a long conversation, after which the son said to the colonel, "He say he believe that there is life on Mars, and he speak to Martian people in his dreams - their language very like his. He also ask if you will take a message to the Martians for him?"

"Well...sure," says the colonel, "What's the message?"

The son asks the father to write down the message. He does, in Navajo, and hands the message to him.
The son bursts out laughing. "What does it say?" the colonel asked.

"I'm not telling you," the son said. "You figure it out."

The colonel leaves for his base with the message thinking that, if there is any chance, any chance at all, that the Martian language is like Navajo, then he must find out more, and what the message says. He takes it to the FBI, NSA, CIA, and all the major universities - no-one can decipher it. Eventually he tracks down the last remaining windtalker from WW2 and, without telling him why, he asks him to translate.

The old man looked at it and said, "It says: Watch out for these white ***ts, they're here to steal your land."
 

Larry L.

Lifetime Supporter
A friend ran no wife v1.0, no kids v1.0, he has now installed Ferrari . V2013, yacht v2005,
Spanish Villa,v2000, several versions of eye candy .101. And big smile v.2013.
'Appears he may one day find himself replacing all the above with several versions of regret v1.0 and too-late-now v5.0 (and their subsequent upgrades) a short time before Someone hacks his system and installs eternity v.4ever for him.
 
I was going to post this in the Burning Volts thread but this one may be better.
Anyone remember The Fernwood Tonight show? Was only on for a few months.
[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9FsVjKewl_U]Fernwood 2Night Electric Car - YouTube[/ame]
 
Here is another one of my favorites. Soap.
[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DwDbd4jQpkA]Soap - Chuck and Bob Mindreading - YouTube[/ame]
 
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