Jokes anyone? -

[Bill Bayard]

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.'

Second guy: 'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.'

Third guy: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.'

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him. 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?'

Fourth guy: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:

'Fishing or Sex?' and she said: 'Wear sun-block.'

 

[David Morton]

The best for a long while Bill !

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

The difference between Aussies Brits Canadians and Americans

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that is the government's job.

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.
Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.
Americans: Don't have to do either, and couldn't care less.
Aussies: Don't understand what inclement weather means.

Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success, and failure are inherited.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

Brits: Have produced many great comedians, celebrated by Canadians, ignored by Americans, and therefore not rich.
Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.
Canadians: Have produced many great comedians such as John Candy, Martin Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd, and all the rest at SCTV.
Americans: Think that these people are American!

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 4 channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they played them in.

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic about their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, in either language, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens.
Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present citizens.
Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once Canadian.
Aussies: Waffle on about how some of their past citizens were once Outlaw Pommies, but none of that matters after several beers

 

[Jac Mac]

Far to Factual be considered a Joke Pete.

 

Think about these for a moment....

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

21. OK ... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

22. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

23. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea it is called cargo?

24. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door?

25. Why do you park on a driveway, but drive on a parkway?

 

[Malcolm]

Well, this thread caused me to turn off the telly the other night. Jimmy Jones the comedian was on, and every joke he began seemed to have been posted here on this thread! So I sat and twiddled my thumbs instead!

 

[Bill Musarra]

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are pretty shocking:

1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.

 

[Gary]

A farmer stopped by the local repair shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.

He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me."

"How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

 

[Bill Musarra]

The Washington Post runs a
weekly contest in its style section

called the "Style Invitational". One week, the
requirements were to use

the two words 'Lewinsky' (the Intern) and 'Kaczynski' (the Unabomber)

in the same limerick. The following winning entries were actually printed

verbatim in the newspaper, with no bleeps or xxxs:

3rd place:


There once was a girl named
Lewinsky,

Who played on a flute like Stravinsky.

'Twas "Hail to the Chief"

On this flute made of beef

That stole the front page from Kaczynski.





2nd place:




Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,

"We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski.

Since you made such a mess,

Use the hem of your dress.

And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky."





And the winning entry:




Lewinsky and Clinton have shown

What Kaczynski must surely have known.

That an intern is better

Than a bomb in a letter,

When deciding how best to be blown.

 

[Jay V]

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadichunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter. The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor the aluminum can had been invented yet, so while our early ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is now known as the Conservative movement. Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most social workers, personal injury lawyers, journalists, dreamers in ffice:smarttags" /><?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

</st1:City><st1lace w:st="on">Hollywood</st1lace> and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud(in America). They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">America</st1lace></st1:country-region> . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business s of trying to get something for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.

And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Amazing first shot of water on mars.

 

[Bill Bayard]

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town
one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months
without a drop of whiskey.

He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old
mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and
clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun
in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying,
'Hey old man, have you ever danced?'

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never
did dance. I just never wanted to.'

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, 'Well, you
old fool, you're gonna' dance now, and started shooting at the
old man's feet. The old prospector was hopping around and
everybody was laughing.

When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and
turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled
both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The
gunslinger heard the sound and everything got very quiet.
The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking
down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, 'Did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'

The lessons from this story are:

1. Don't waste your ammunition.

2. Don't ever mess with old people.

 

[Bill Bayard]

The perfect redneck Father's Day gift!

The new DeWalt AR-16P Rapid Fire nail gun can drive a 16 penny nail thru a 2 X 4 at 200 yards. This makes construction a real breeze! You can sit in your lawn chair and build a fence. Just get the wife and kids to hold the fence boards in place while you sit back and relax with a cold beer. When they have the board in the right place, just fire away. With the 100 round magazine, you can build a fence with a minimum of reloading. After a day of fence building with the new Dewalt Rapid Fire nail gun, the wife will never ask you fix or build anything again!

For a small extra fee, a 'band-aid magazine' is available for those pesky near misses.

 

[Trevor Booth]

Husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual "I have a headache."

"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you."

 

[Andy Green]

<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists...<o></o></P><o> </o>
Two men and a woman.<o></o>
<o> </o>
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your >instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair...Kill Her!!!"<o></o>
<o> </o>
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."<o></o>
The agent said, “Then you're not the right man for this job."<o></o>
<o> </o>
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."<o></o>
<o> </o>
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."<o></o>
<o> </o>
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."<o></o>
<o> </o>
<o> </o>
MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them<o></o>
</o>

 

[Dimi Terleckyj]

A man has three dolls in his life.

His daughter.............. Baby Doll.



His mistress................Barbie Doll



His Wife......................Panadol



Dimi

 

[Bill Bayard]

A young guy from Mississippi moves to Florida and goes to a big
'everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?' The kids says,
'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Mississippi ..'

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow
I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the
store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many customers bought
something from you today?'

The kids says, 'One'.

The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a
day. How much was the sale for?'

The kid says, '$121,237.65'.

The boss says, '$121, 237.65? What the hell did you sell?'

The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a
medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a
new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said
down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went
down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took
him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4
Expedition.'

The boss said, 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him
a BOAT and a TRUCK?'

The kid said, 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife,
and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

<FONT face="Times New Roman"><FONT size=3><FONT color=#1f497d>fficeffice" /><?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

A recent survey in <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

</st1:country-region><st1lace w:st="on">Australia</st1lace> asked the following question:



Are there too many foreigners in this country now?



Answer:



18% said: YES






82% said: معهدالأمنالعالميبواشنط



<o></o>

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Dear Technical Support:

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay.

Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while. I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system.

I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions. The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram.

Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything.

Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.

Any Ideas ???

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Sorry for these, the devil made me do it.:evil:

<FONT face="Times New Roman"><?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but
don't start anything.'

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says 'A
beer please, and one for the road.'

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste
funny to you?'

7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 'That sounds
like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 'Is it common?' Well, 'It's Not Unusual.'

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly,
'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says
Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible! woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't
find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you
can't - I've cut off your arms!'

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says,
'Dam!'

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. 'But
why,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand
chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

<st1:country-region w:st="on">Egypt</st1:country-region></st1lace> , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in <st1lace w:st="on"><st1:country-region w:st="on">Spain</st1:country-region></st1lace>
; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his
birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're
twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

19. <st1lace w:st="on"><st1:City w:st="on">Mahatma</st1:City> <st1:State w:st="on">Gandhi</st1:State></st1lace>, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad
breath. This made him. (Oh , man, this is so bad, it's good)

.... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
!
20 . And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his
friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did. <o></o>