Jokes anyone? -

[Mike]

Politics
> -------------------------
>
> Little Johnny came home from school one day and said to his father "Dad,what can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow."
>
> The father thought some and said, "Okay, son
> . The best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy.
> "Lets say that I'm capitalism because I'm the bread winner. Your mother will be government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?"
>
> Little Johnny said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said."
>
> Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, Johnny was awaken by his brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So,he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up.
>
> Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. Because he couldn't do anything else, he turned and went back to bed.
>
> The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now."
>
> "Excellent, my boy," he answered. "What have you learned?" Little Johnny thought for a minute and said, "
>
> I learned that Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep ignoring the People, and the
> Future's full of sh*t."

 

[Paul Thompson 'Hooligan']

Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.

He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!


'Ain't dat grand, !!' Murphy got excited by this,

but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !'

The doctor then delivered a little girl.



He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'

Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we aint got done yet, !'



The doctor then delivered another boy and said, 'Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !'


Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'



The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'



Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'



When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said,



'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'


She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'


Murph said, 'I'll tell you, ......it's a Bloody!! good ting we didn't use WD-40.

 

[Kevin Box]

The doctor and the Harley mechanic

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.......The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?'

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine.

I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make
$39,675 a year and you get mega bucks ($1,695,759) a year when you and I are doing basically the same work?'

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic..'Try doing it with the engine running!!

 

[Al Jones]

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"A Rarely Told Fairy Tale" !!!

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Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The
girl
Said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and
rode Motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and
played golf a lot and
Drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the
bank and left the Toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.​

​

THE​

END
​

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[David Morton]

Deleted - see next post.

 

[David Morton]

This is a non political post. It's also non PC which I associate with more and more these days . If it is true then I certainly hope someones feelings were really really damaged and was really offended. To be honest I don't care if it's true or not but it sums up quite a lot. Furthermore, is the 'Jokes' thread the right place to post it ? Anyway here it is :

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 05-27-09, 1:43 AM EST.


I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend, threatening our lives and me. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my Jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.

Obviously you agree that it was a very Intimidating weapon when pointed at your head wasn't it?

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that?

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.


Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.


Have a good day!


Thoughtfully yours,


Alex

 

[domtoni]

Thought you might like this...


STRIKING SUICIDE BOMBERS



Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike
on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to
in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far
failed to produce an agreement.



The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number
of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut
by 25% next January from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was
the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a
subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.



The suicide bombers' union, the British Organisation of Occupational
Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was
unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike
action. General secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members
are literally working themselves to death in the cause of jihad. We
don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management
is a kick in the teeth."



Mr Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out
that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce
and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an
annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure
they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for
members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real
work?"



Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands where he currently
resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained,



"We sympathise with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not
in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting
the realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace.
Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of
virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing
expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd
hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow
themselves up." He defended management bonuses by claiming these were
necessary to attract good fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to
attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?"
asked Mr. Bin-Laden.



Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal
of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to
agree on orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be
named, was quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to
anything like that........it's too much of a mouthful to swallow".



Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide
bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are
supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a
different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members
of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to
express solidarity with their striking brethren.

 

[Al Jones]

KIDS WRITE ABOUT THE OCEAN

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls.
(Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean you are an island. If you don't have
ocean all round you, you are incontinent.
(Wayne, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend any more.
(Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.


(Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and
comes back with crabs.
(Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make
the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans.
(William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I
like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like,
really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always
crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got
pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
(Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give
you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they
have to plug themselves into chargers.
(Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my
willy small.
(Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go
down alone, so they have to go down on each other.
(Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going
very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her
big fat ass.
(Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I
don't know.
(Bobby, age 6)

15)-My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he
doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.
(James, age 7)

 

[Bill Musarra]

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladamir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The
devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call
Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs
him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she
was finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so
Queen Elizabeth writes him a check. Finally George Bush gets his turn
and talks for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him

that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA
anytime.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got
to call the USA free. The devil replied, "Since Obama became president
of the USA , the country has gone to hell, so naturally it's a local call"

 

[Bill Bayard]

At the base motorpool office, the duty sergeant's phone rang.

The following conversation ensued...........


"Send a car over to General Johnson's office at 1400hrs.", the caller ordered.

"Do you mean Old Fat Ass Johnson?", the sergeant replied.

"Do you know who you're talking to, son?"

"No, sir, I don't"

"This IS General Johnson!"

Do you know who you're talking to, sir?

"No.", replied the General.

"Then so long, Fat Ass!"

 

[Jim Nielsen]

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have
turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the
children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early
dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can
leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart
and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would
keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Make sure you read this to the punch line.


<TABLE style="WIDTH: 100%" class=MsoNormalTable border=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%"><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" width="100%">Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye Sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of
this?"

Hardy: "Sorry Sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

</st1lace>England expects every person to do his or her
duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion
or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, Sir. We're an equal opportunities
employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">England</st1lace></st1:country-region> ' past the
censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry Sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke- free
working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full
speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knots speed limit in this
stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest
please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, Sir.

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, Sir.. No harness, and
they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up
there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even
to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing
the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, Sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the
areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, Sir. Health and safety won't let
the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone
breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the
men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, Sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged
with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid
lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, Sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, Sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now.
According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this
stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil...."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying
that Sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, Sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.
Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,
sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, Sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
corporal punishment..."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, Sir."

Nelson: "In that case................................ kiss me, Hardy''



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[David Morton]

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame.Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams ..If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let theirdreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
Happened to your underwear.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ H enny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WIT H you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a spaz.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some, it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~Dave H owell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.Here's how it went:

" Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalocan only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And whenthe herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

 

[Rick Muck- Mark IV]

I'm NOT an alcoholic, I'm a DRUNK..........I don't have to go to those stupid meetings!!!!!

 

[Brian Hamilton]

Only alcoholics admit they're alcoholics. LOL

 

[Simon]

A US army platoon was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi insurgent, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was a British soldier in a similar but less serious state. The soldier was conscious and alert and as first
aid was given to both men, the platoon leader asked the injured soldier what had happened.

The soldier reported, "I was moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who'd got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Gordon Brown is a
fat, useless, lying one-eyed Jock, and Lord Mandelson is a pillow biting poofter!

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and ponces about like a frigid,hatchet faced lesbian.

He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Harriet Harman!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a bus hit us."

 

[Keith]

Probably an old one and Pete most likely fell out of his pram at it but here it is again to be savoured sport!

A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.
Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably fishing with his mates.'
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com<img src=" /><o></o>

 

[Daniel]

YouTube - Tequila ad

 

[Dave Bilyk]

Following on from Dave Ms fine and comprehensive quotations, I dug out this opposing argument from some photos I had. I don't know who penned it, but it is quality, now - back to the Barolo;


regards and Merry Christmas

Dave

 

[Gary]

A marriage license should be like a fishing license- it expires every year and if you go out of state you can get a 3 day license.

If you think about it girls and fish have a lot in common.

They are fun to catch and if you clean and prep them right most are good to eat.

Also if you decide to mount one you know it’s going to cost you plenty.

If you bring one home ( no matter how you treat them) they start going bad and fresh ones are always better.

And remember, it is always good to practice Catch and Release.