Jokes anyone? -

Neal

Lifetime Supporter
Its a slow day in a little East Texas town. The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich tourist from back east is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer..

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town
is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, my friends, is how the United States Government is conducting business today.
 

Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.
On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession,
but I must first admit that the confessional box
is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."


A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer... The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'
The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres' The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?
The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.' The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.
The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere'
The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'
By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question ..The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?' The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce.

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David Morton

Lifetime Supporter
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come work.'
The boss John says, 'You know something, Hung Chow - I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my
wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house...
 

Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
A guy sat down at the bar and ordered a beer.

The bartender filled his mug and slid it down the bar.

While sliding down the bar, the mug hit a blond woman's boobs and
splashed all over them...
The bartender went over, retrieved the mug and licked the beer off her
boobs.

Each time the guy called for another beer this happened.
After his third beer, the guy decided to help the bartender out.
The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumped up and started
to lick them...
She decked him!

He was laying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady... Why'd you let the
bartender lick your boobs, but not me?'
'Duh,' said the blond, 'He has a licker license!'?
 

Brian Stewart
Supporter
A refuse collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks.
There's no answer.
Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.
Eventually a Japanese man comes to the door.
"Harro!" says the Japanese man.
"Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.
"I bin on toiret," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the little foreign fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.
"No! No! Mate, where’s your dust bin?"
"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.
"Listen," says the collector. "You’re misunderstanding me. Where's your 'w h e e l i e’ bin?'"
"OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector's ear.
"I wheelie bin having sex wirra wife’s sista!"
 
A bit on the juvenile side but......

Dr. Suess books for the older kids

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Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
A teacher is explaining biology to her 1st grade students.

'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.
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A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could be, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

That must've been scary', said the teacher.

It sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Ffff, Fffff', and before he could say 'F*ck', the rottweiler ate him!'
 
A Russian and a Cajun wrestler (named Tophile) were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal .

Before the final match, Tophile's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has.

Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'

Tophile nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, Tophile and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.

All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Tophile and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.

He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air..

His back hit the mat with a thud and Tophile collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded.

When he finally got Tophile alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold?

No one has ever done it before!'

Tophile answered 'Well, Ah was ready to give up when he got me in Dat hold but at De last moment, Ah opened ma eyes and seen Dis pair of testicles right in front of ma face. Ah had nothing to lose so wit ma last ounce of strength, Ah stretched out ma neck and bit Dose babies just as hard as Ah could.'

The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off ?'

'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts'!
 

RichardH

AKA The Mad Hat Man
How nations deal with terrorist threats

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon , though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been recategorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the English issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capacity. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased their alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

Belgians on the other hand are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

And in the southern hemisphere ...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
 

Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. The guy knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.” He walks up to him and says, “I didn't know you were into earrings.”

“Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring,” he replies sheepishly.


His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, “So, how long have you been wearing one?”

“Ever since my wife found it in my truck.”
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Irish Virginity Test Kit


Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.
The doctor said, 'Well, you need three things from a DIY shop.
A can of red paint, a can of blue paint... And a shovel.'
Paddy asked, 'And what do I do with these, doc?'
The doc replied, 'Before the wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.
If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw", you hit her with the shovel.'
 

Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
A man called to testify at the Australian tax office( ATO), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest.

"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the ATO?!"

"Simple", replied the Priest...

"It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"
 

Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
You may have seen this before but it's worth re-visiting.


You might be addicted to racing if:

You think the primary purpose of wings is to PREVENT flight.
You take your helmet along when you go to a car dealership for a test-drive.
Every time you go to the grocery store you feel compelled to beat your previous best time.
When something falls off of your car, you wonder how much weight you just saved.
When you hear 'overcooked it,' instead of food you think 'off the track.'
You change engine oil every other week. You check tire pressures every other day.
You thoroughly enjoy showing the tailgater behind how to drive around a highway off-ramp.
You once had an argument with your wife over whether you should pay the mortgage on time or get those new heads while they were on sale.
You push you cart through a proper line in the grocery store.
You've paid $4.00 a gallon for gas without complaining.
You bought a tow vehicle instead of braces for your kid.
You and your wife go house hunting and you never actually get inside the house because you're checking out the garage for 220v.
You sit in your race car in a dark garage and make car noises and shift and practice your heel and toe, while waiting for your motor to get back from the machine shop.
Your wife doesn't understand why you need three sets of tires for your car.
Your garage holds more cars than your house has bedrooms.
You have car parts in your cubicle at work.
You think the last line of the Star Spangled Banner is: "Gentlemen, start your engines!"
You're registered for wedding gifts with Edelbrock and Griggs.
Your Christmas list begins with another set of BFG R1s and aluminum rack bushings and your 'significant other' knows what these are.
Your home library consists of auto parts catalogs, books written by F1 drivers, anything about Carroll Shelby, and 400 car magazines.
People know you by your car number or your "offs" -- "Oh, you were the one stuck in the mud in Turn 5 last weekend!"
Your first date involves asking her to crew for you.
Your friends have never seen your hair actually combed. They only know it's color as "greasy."
Your family brings the couch into the garage so they can spend some time with you.
You complain when cars in front of you on highway off-ramps don't stay on the line, causing your exit speed to drop.
A neighbor asks if you have any oil, to which you query, "Synthetic or organic?" and they reply, "Corn."
You refer to the corner down the street from your house as "Turn One."
You always late apex the intersection and try to pass a few cars coming out.
You can't stand anyone telling others how to drive. Of course, you are the best.
You can't stand understeer.
You will gladly pay up to $8 for a quart of engine oil.
You hate long distance driving vacations, but you will gladly drive 800 miles to the race track.
You think that traction control and ABS are for those who can't drive.
You save broken car parts as " mementos".
You've tried synthetic oil and racing gas in your lawn mower.
You've tweaked your riding lawn mower trying to improve its cornering ability.
Instead of pictures in your wallet, you have timeslips.
You would choose a rollbar over air conditioning if it were an option.
You enjoy driving through wet, empty parking lots using the Emergency Brake to turn.
You spend more on insurance premiums than on food.
When someone asks where you went to school, you reply, "Skip Barber".
You have racing shops programmed on your speed dialer.
You own five cars and only one of them is street legal.
You know the "racing line" of every turn in your daily commute.
You've slalomed in a construction zone, and counted your penalty time in the rearview mirror afterwards.
After you tell your wife where you'd like to go on your vacation she answers: "Why, is there a race there?"
 
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