Jokes anyone? -

[David Morton]

The Aisle Seat​

Two radical Arab terrorists boarded a flight out of London One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a Coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.'

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone, the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight..

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors...

'Why does it have to be this way? How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?'

THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES​

​

​

 

[RichardH]

Paddy had the following password for work,


mickeyminnieplutohueylouiedeweydonaldgoofydublin


His boss asked him why it was such a long password.


Bejayzus are yez stupid? replied paddy.


Shoire i was toldme password had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

 

[Jack]

I finally heard it!

While in the grocery store yesterday, I overheard two young women talking. Evidently, one of them had broken off with her boyfriend. The phrase she used was:

"He did a Tiger on me"...

 

[David Morton]

Should the UK adopt The Euro?


A cross-section survey of 1000 people in the UK, made up of Afghans, Albanians, Pakistanis, Indians, Poles, Iraqis, Somalis, Bosnians, Turks, Moldovans, Latvians, Lithuanians, Bangladeshis, Ethiopians, Russians, Congolese, Zimbabweans, Portuguese and Nigerians were asked if they thought Britain should change its currency to Euro.

99.9% said no, they were happy with the Giro.

 

[David Morton]

Maybe I should explain - the Giro is the weekly benefit cheque many of the immigrants receive to survive. The guy that is inciting hatred by attempting to set up a march through Wooton Basset carrying 500 pretend 'Afghani' coffins is receiving about £35,000 ($55,000) per year in Giro benefits from the state. Whoops - I should have warned this is becoming a political rant and I shouldn't post this in the Jokes section. I cant find the erase button so bugger it - it will have to stay.

 

[Simon]

Don't worry David, you're not the only one who feels like that I can assure you.
Simon

 

[Keith]

Well, in the absence of our esteemed Paddock Moderator Faili the Iron Sheik, I propose to get this thread back on topic with something to cheer up our intrepid Mr Morton.

David, this clip is FOR you and thankfully not ABOUT you...

(unless you know different)

AirlinePilot.flv video by hard11 - Photobucket

 

[Keith]

Maybe I should explain - the Giro is the weekly benefit cheque many of the immigrants receive to survive. The guy that is inciting hatred by attempting to set up a march through Wooton Basset carrying 500 pretend 'Afghani' coffins is receiving about £35,000 ($55,000) per year in Giro benefits from the state. Whoops - I should have warned this is becoming a political rant and I shouldn't post this in the Jokes section. I cant find the erase button so bugger it - it will have to stay.

Good points Dave except cashing a Giro was a bit difficult for them as they had to walk to a Post Office to cash them, so in order to maintain their human rights and save them the onerous task of putting any effort into it whatsoever, all such benefits are now paid directly into a bank.

No bank - no benefit and of course, this benefits the Bankers too, so it's all Win Win really..:worried:

 

[David Sturch]

Thank's Keith, It sounded a bit Greek to me.
Dave

 

[Paul Thompson 'Hooligan']

Yesterday I was at Woolies buying a large bag of Pedigree dog food for
my loyal Staffie and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me
asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant?

So, since I had little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog,

I was starting the Pedigree Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,
because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 14 kg before I woke up in
intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in
both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pockets with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified,

she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me.

So I told her "Geez, no, I was sitting in the road minding my own business, licking my balls and a car hit me

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.

I'm now banned from Woolies.

 

[Keith]

Message for Mr David Morton...

Message Begins...

Dave, can you please let me know if this joke is PC enough to post on GT40s . com please?

Message Ends...

STOP PRESS

Suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

"Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth."
<o></o>
Mr Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 25,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?"
<o></o>
Speaking from a shed somewhere in the West Midlands , where he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained,
<o></o>
"We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden.
<o></o>
Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like that... it's too much to swallow".
<o></o>
Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will put down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of that branch will only be using explosives from the waist down, in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.
<o></o>
Further talks will be held...


<o></o>

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

As you know the 26th of January is Australia Day, (our equivalent of the fourth of July.)
Here is how we intend to celebrate, perhaps the rest of you could join in?


WALK NAKED ON <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

<st1lace w:st="on">AUSTRALIA</st1lace></st1:country-region> DAY

Don't forget to mark your calendars !!!



As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman
other than his wife naked.

He must commit suicide if he does !

So next Saturday at 4 PM Eastern Time,

All Australian women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked
to help weed out any neighbourhood terrorists.

Circling your block
for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All Patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of
their house to prove they are not Muslims and to demonstrate they think
its okay to see nude women - other than their wife and to show support for
all Australian women.

Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol,
a cold 6 -pack at your side, is further proof of your anti-Muslim Sentiment.

The Australian government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists
and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist Activity.

God bless <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">Australia</st1lace></st1:country-region>!

 

[Keith]

As you know the 26th of January is Australia Day, (our equivalent of the fourth of July.)




As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman
other than his wife naked.

He must commit suicide if he does !

So next Saturday at 4 PM Eastern Time,

All Australian women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked
to help weed out any neighbourhood terrorists.

Circling your block
for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All Patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of
their house to prove they are not Muslims and to demonstrate they think
its okay to see nude women - other than their wife and to show support for
all Australian women.

Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol,
a cold 6 -pack at your side, is further proof of your anti-Muslim Sentiment.

The Australian government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists
and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist Activity.

God bless <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

</st1:country-region><st1lace w:st="on">Australia</st1lace>!

I'm real sorry Pete, but another of our colonies, Canada (maybe you heard of it) came up with a far better idea, although your solution certainly has merit as long as we can choose the women before the event..

With strategic thinking along similar lines, these bank notes were recently rushed into circulation...

Apparently, they have so far been very effective in controlling inflation and the dead terrorist body count is rising....

 

[Jack]

Good one Keith! Maybe I'll have to make a short trip to Canada..

 

[Charlie Farley]

Oh Keith,
You've outdone yourself this time.
I particularly like the first bank note.
Is she advertising ?
It clearly has this note on it
' Ten Dix '
What can she mean ?

 

[Roark_John]

Myself, I have a thing for brunettes...the hundred spot looks good to me

 

I thought it was a 10,000 dollar note, but you are right - on closer examination only the first two are zeros....

 

[Keith]

I thought it was a 10,000 dollar note, but you are right - on closer examination only the first two are zeros....

:laugh:

 

[David Sturch]

Keith,
You've replaced dead prime ministers and the queen with strippers. Not good for the economy here. The male population won't want to part with their money.

 

[Keith]

Yes I agree. AS previously mentioned it is a devastating weapon against inflation and terrorists alike. Bravo Canada! (and the Frenchie bit )

Question. Do dogs in Quebec go Woolfe Woolfe?