Jokes anyone? -

Doug S.

The protoplasm may be 70, but the spirit is 32!
Lifetime Supporter
WOO-HOO!!! Over 100,000 views :pepper: , and that's no joke!

Happened some time today, I've been watching the counter for some time.

Doug
 
I see the last ''Question''' was by ''WYLD----flower'', tooo much of a coincidence methinks:):), shouldnt you be spending your time on more productive pursuits, like getting that transaxle into production!!!!!
 
The Dark Side Of Women...

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.

In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.


The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'
 

David Morton

Lifetime Supporter
Doug -
Watching the counter is a bit 'sad' and 'off the wall' if you don't mind me saying.
I think we should organise some help for you.

Have you tried making and then drinking limoncello?
Dave
 
Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming.

Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs.

'Isn't it wonderful?' one gay says to the other. 'All these unhappy babies .... and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay love!'

The nurse says, 'Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his ass.”
 

Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:


Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?


Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:


First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.


Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, let’s look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.


This gives two possibilities:


1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.


2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.


So which is it?


If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct ...... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.
 

Keith

Moderator
Well, like Pete, I seem to favour the older 'classic' jokes that have been around a long time but they're still worth reading and still raise a chuckle especially if you don't quite know where they're going. Like this one:

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank. '

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like
that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody surely.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an
opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'

Cabbie: 'There's more.. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and
which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly
polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died and I married his f*#king widow!'


(Sorry Pete mate, you know I'm just pulling yer plonker :))
 
A woman with a black eye, goes to the doctor. The doctor asks her: "What happened?" The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he knocks me around.." The doctor replies: "I have a real good medicine for that. Whenever your husband comes home inebriated, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle." Two weeks later she returns to the doctor,and looks reborn and fresh again. The woman says: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with chamomile tea and gargled and nothing happened."

And the doctor tells her: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!"
 

Keith

Moderator
Love it! These classic jokes are simply the best.

Here's another one:

Leaving Work Early

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they watched the boss leave work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early...she did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss!
Gently she closed the door and crept out of the house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

“No way!” the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"
 

Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
Remember Tommy Cooper Keith?

  • Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
  • I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
  • I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
  • Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
  • Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
  • A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'
  • A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
    The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.
  • A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'.
    The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'.
  • I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
  • Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners
  • I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?'
    So he gave me a kite.
  • I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu.
    So I went, and I got it.'
  • I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.
    Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.
There's a million of them.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
Deja moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
.
I walked into a seafood disco last week ... and pulled a mussel.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Why did the blonde get on the roof of the bar? She heard drinks were on the house.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.’" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, "Its Not Unusual."


Top Ten Things Not To Say To Your New Girlfriend's Parents...

10. Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost.
9. There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too.
8. Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?
7. Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.
6. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion.
5. We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times.
4. Can you believe it! Those shit heads at the corner market won't cash my welfare check!
3. Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head?
2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?
1. My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me
 
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Barack Obama meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to be surrounded with intelligent people."

Obama frowns "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you? Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Obama now back in Washington asks Joe Biden the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Biden asks Powell, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It would be me!"

Biden smiles, and says, "Thanks!" Then he goes back to speak with Obama.

"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Obama gets up, stomps over to Biden, and angrily yells into his face, “No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair! No wonder I'm having so much trouble running things around here".
 

Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, “I’ll man the guns, you drive”.


You know I’m against hunting, in fact I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and SHOOT the fox.


The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, “Did you get my drift?”


I went to the supermarket and said, “I want to make a complaint, this vinegar’s got lumps in it”. The man replied, “Those are picked onions”.


I said to the train driver, “I want to go to Paris”. He asked “Eurostar?” I replied, “I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin”.


I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?”
He asked “How flexible are you?” I replied, “I can’t come on Tuesdays”.


I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything else, trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.


I’m in a great mood today. The other day I entered a competition and won a year’s supply of Vegemite…….one jar.


I answered the phone the other day and a fellow says to me, “ Can I come to your house and talk about your carpets?” I thought, “That’s all I need, A Je-oover’s witness”.


My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a catholic converter.


I rang Telecom the other day and said, “I want to report a nuisance caller”. She replied, “Oh no, not you again”.


I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and on the table was a check tablecloth. It took him 2 hours to pass me the salt.


Garry said, “you remind me of a pepper pot”, I said “I’ll take that as a condiment”.


Did you know that all tennis players are witches? E.g. Goran, even he’s a witch.


I have a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags, he’s bisatchel.


When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, “Are you two an item?”


When I saw a lorry load of tortoises crash into a train load of terrapins, I thought “That’s a turtle disaster”.


Four fonts walked into a bar and the barman shouted, “Get out, we don’t want your type in here”.


A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walked into a bar. The barman asked, “Is this some kind of a joke?”


A three-legged dog walked into a saloon in the Old West. He said to the bartender, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw”.


A man entered the local newspaper’s pun contest. He sent in three different puns in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
 
ZEN TEACHINGS

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8.. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse ... then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
 
FIREMAN SEX

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife,
'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:
BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,
BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,
BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

'From now on when I say BELL 1
I want you to strip naked.

When I say BELL 2
I want you to jump in bed.

And when I say BELL 3
We are going to make love all night.


' The next night he came home from work and yelled
' BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled ' BELL 3!', they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!'

'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband?

.
.
.
.
ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied '
YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.
 

Keith

Moderator
That's more like it Paul! Classics..

Just like this one:
Three little ducks go into a Bar......



"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great.. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked..

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"




"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."

 
Tiger woods is driving his new GT40 along the highway when he stops to get fuel. The fuel attendant starts filling up his car and Tiger gets out, a pair of golf tees falling out of his pocket as he does so. The attendant looks at them and asks "What are them things for?"
Tiger replies "Why they hold my balls when im driving."
The attendant looks impressed. "Bloody hell those cars have everything don't they!"
 

Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his Mom to come out.. While waiting the little boy gets bored and just when his Mom comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt. "Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten.

For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action.

After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want."

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.

"HELL NO," he cries, "you've got teeth down there!"

"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no such thing as teeth down there!"

"Yes, there are," he says, "my Mom told me so."

"No, there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.

"No, I'm sorry" he says "My Mom already told me that all women have teeth down there."

"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there."

The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"
 
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