Remember Tommy Cooper Keith?
- Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
- I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
- I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
- Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
- Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
- A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'
- A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.
- A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'.
The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'.
- I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
- Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners
- I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?'
So he gave me a kite.
- I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu.
So I went, and I got it.'
- I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.
Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.
There's a million of them.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
Deja moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
.
I walked into a seafood disco last week ... and pulled a mussel.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Why did the blonde get on the roof of the bar? She heard drinks were on the house.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.’" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, "Its Not Unusual."
Top Ten Things Not To Say To Your New Girlfriend's Parents...
10. Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost.
9. There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too.
8. Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?
7. Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.
6. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion.
5. We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times.
4. Can you believe it! Those shit heads at the corner market won't cash my welfare check!
3. Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head?
2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?
1. My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me