Jokes anyone? -
- Thread starter p thompson
- Start date
A lady was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, and A 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'
She was a bit startled by this proclamation, but was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said: 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?'
The drunk replied,
'Cause you're ugly.'
A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, and A 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'
She was a bit startled by this proclamation, but was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said: 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?'
The drunk replied,
'Cause you're ugly.'
David Lowe
Lifetime Supporter
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just as it was going
by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just
like Frank.'
Passenger: 'Who?'
Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the
time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to
Frank Feldman every single time.'
Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'
Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won
the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an
opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard
him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'
Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.
Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and
which fork to eat them with.
He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole
street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right'
Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
Traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But
Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman
and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was
in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly
polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one
could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'
Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'
Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died. I married his f-ing
widow.'
by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just
like Frank.'
Passenger: 'Who?'
Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the
time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to
Frank Feldman every single time.'
Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'
Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won
the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an
opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard
him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'
Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.
Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and
which fork to eat them with.
He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole
street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right'
Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
Traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But
Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman
and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was
in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly
polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one
could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'
Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'
Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died. I married his f-ing
widow.'
David Lowe
Lifetime Supporter
A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree
A lawyer and a redneck are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that rednecks are so dumb that he could get one over on him easily. So the lawyer asks if the redneck would like to play a fun game.
The redneck is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer insists that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the redneck’s attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?”
The redneck doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the redneck's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the airphone, he searches the Net, and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the redneck and hands him $500.
The redneck pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the redneck up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The redneck reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
Garry:!blank:
The redneck is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer insists that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the redneck’s attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?”
The redneck doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the redneck's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the airphone, he searches the Net, and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the redneck and hands him $500.
The redneck pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the redneck up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The redneck reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
Garry:!blank:
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the street with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you dressed like this?'
The Cowboy says: 'Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motorhome with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt so I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to off my pants ... so I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts .. so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy...', and here I am.'
Son of a Gun, Blond Men do exist.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com<img src=" /><o
></o>
As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you dressed like this?'
The Cowboy says: 'Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motorhome with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt so I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to off my pants ... so I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts .. so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy...', and here I am.'
Son of a Gun, Blond Men do exist.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com<img src=" /><o
></o>
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
Absolute gold!:laugh:
Night Befo Crizzmus
Wus da night afo' Crizzmus, and all thru da hood,
everybody be sleepin' and da sleepin' be good.
We hunged up our stockins, an hoped like all heck,
dat dear Ol' Obama's, gunna brang us our checks.
All of da family, was ly'in on the flow,
my sister wif her gurlfriend, and my brother wif some hoe.
Ashtrays was all full , empty beer cans and all
when I heared such a fuss, I thunk...."Sh'eet, it
must be da law".
I pulled the sheet off da windoe and what I'ze could
see,
I was spectin' the sherrif, wif a warrent fo' me.
But what did I see, made me say, "Laaawd look at
dat"
dere was a huge watermelon, pulled by 8 big-ass rats.
Now over all of da years, Santy Claws he be white,
but it looks like us brotha's, got a black un'
tonight.
Faster than a poe'lice car, my homeboy he came,
and whupped up on dem rats, as he called dem by name.
On Biden, On Jessie, On Polosi and Hillary Who
On Fannie, On Freddi, On Ayers, and Slick Willy too.
Obama landed dat melon, right there in da street,
I knowed it fo' sho', - can you believe that
Sh'eet!.
Dat Santy didn't need no chimney, he picked da lock on
my doe,
an I sez to myself, "Son o' bitch...he don did
dis befoe"!
He had a big bag, full of presents - at first I suspeck?
Wif "Air Jordans" and fake gold, to wear roun my
neck.
But he left me no presents, just started stealin my shit.
He got my guns and my crack, and my new burglers kit.
Den, wif my crap in his bag, out da windoe he flew,
I sho' woulda shanked him, be he snagged my knife too.
He jumped back on dat melon, wif out even a hitch,
and waz gone in two seconds, "democrat son of a
bitch".
So nex year I be hopin', a white Santy we git,
'cause a black Santy Claws, just ain't worf a shit
!!!
Wus da night afo' Crizzmus, and all thru da hood,
everybody be sleepin' and da sleepin' be good.
We hunged up our stockins, an hoped like all heck,
dat dear Ol' Obama's, gunna brang us our checks.
All of da family, was ly'in on the flow,
my sister wif her gurlfriend, and my brother wif some hoe.
Ashtrays was all full , empty beer cans and all
when I heared such a fuss, I thunk...."Sh'eet, it
must be da law".
I pulled the sheet off da windoe and what I'ze could
see,
I was spectin' the sherrif, wif a warrent fo' me.
But what did I see, made me say, "Laaawd look at
dat"
dere was a huge watermelon, pulled by 8 big-ass rats.
Now over all of da years, Santy Claws he be white,
but it looks like us brotha's, got a black un'
tonight.
Faster than a poe'lice car, my homeboy he came,
and whupped up on dem rats, as he called dem by name.
On Biden, On Jessie, On Polosi and Hillary Who
On Fannie, On Freddi, On Ayers, and Slick Willy too.
Obama landed dat melon, right there in da street,
I knowed it fo' sho', - can you believe that
Sh'eet!.
Dat Santy didn't need no chimney, he picked da lock on
my doe,
an I sez to myself, "Son o' bitch...he don did
dis befoe"!
He had a big bag, full of presents - at first I suspeck?
Wif "Air Jordans" and fake gold, to wear roun my
neck.
But he left me no presents, just started stealin my shit.
He got my guns and my crack, and my new burglers kit.
Den, wif my crap in his bag, out da windoe he flew,
I sho' woulda shanked him, be he snagged my knife too.
He jumped back on dat melon, wif out even a hitch,
and waz gone in two seconds, "democrat son of a
bitch".
So nex year I be hopin', a white Santy we git,
'cause a black Santy Claws, just ain't worf a shit
!!!
Hu’s on First
(We take you now to the Oval Office).<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comfficeffice" /><o></o>
<o></o>
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What’s happening?<o></o>
<o></o>
Condi: Sir, I have a report here about the new leader of China.<o></o>
<o></o>
George: Great, lay it on me.<o></o>
<o></o>
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.<o></o>
<o></o>
George: That’s what I want to know.<o></o>
<o></o>
Condi: That’s what I’m telling you.<o></o>
<o></o>
George: That’s what I’m asking you.<o></o>
<o></o>
Condi: Yes<o></o>
<o></o>
George: I mean the fellow’s name.<o></o>
<o></o>
Condi: Hu.<o></o>
<o></o>
George: The guy in China.<o></o>
<o></o>
Condi: Hu.<o></o>
<o></o>
George: The new leader of China.<o></o>
<o></o>
Condi: Hu.<o></o>
<o></o>
George: The Chinaman.<o></o>
<o></o>
Condi: Hu is leading China.<o></o>
<o></o>
George: Now waddya’ asking me for?<o></o>
<o></o>
Condi: I’m telling you that Hu is leading China.<o></o>
<o></o>
George: Well, I’m asking you, who is leading China?<o></o>
<o></o>
Condi: That’s the mans name.<o></o>
<o></o>
George: That’s who’s name?<o></o>
<o></o>
Condi: Yes.<o></o>
<o></o>
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?<o></o>
<o></o>
Condi: Yes, sir.<o></o>
<o></o>
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.<o></o>
<o></o>
Condi: That’s correct.<o></o>
<o></o>
George: Then who is in China?<o></o>
<o></o>
Condi: Yes, sir.<o></o>
<o></o>
George: Yassir is in China?<o></o>
<o></o>
Condi: No, sir.<o></o>
<o></o>
George: Then who is?<o></o>
<o></o>
Condi: Yes, sir.<o></o>
<o></o>
George: Yassir?<o></o>
<o></o>
Condi: No, sir.<o></o>
<o></o>
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.<o></o>
<o></o>
Condi: Kofi?<o></o>
<o></o>
George: No, thanks.<o></o>
<o></o>
Condi: You want Kofi?<o></o>
<o></o>
George: No.<o></o>
<o></o>
Condi: You don’t want Kofi.<o></o>
<o></o>
George: No, but now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.<o></o>
<o></o>
Condi: Kofi?<o></o>
<o></o>
George: Milk! Now will you please make the call?<o></o>
<o></o>
Condi: And call who?<o></o>
George: Who is the guy at the U.N.?<o></o>
<o></o>
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.<o></o>
<o></o>
George: Will you stay out of China?<o></o>
<o></o>
Condi: Yes, sir.<o></o>
<o></o>
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.<o></o>
<o></o>
Condi: Kofi?<o></o>
<o></o>
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone!<o></o>
<o></o>
Condi: (Picks up the phone) Rice, here.<o></o>
<o></o>
George: Rice, good idea. And a couple of egg rolls too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?<o></o>
(We take you now to the Oval Office).<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com
fficeffice" /><o></o><o
></o>George: Condi! Nice to see you. What’s happening?<o
></o><o
></o>Condi: Sir, I have a report here about the new leader of China.<o
></o><o
></o>George: Great, lay it on me.<o
></o><o
></o>Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.<o
></o><o
></o>George: That’s what I want to know.<o
></o><o
></o>Condi: That’s what I’m telling you.<o
></o><o
></o>George: That’s what I’m asking you.<o
></o><o
></o>Condi: Yes<o
></o><o
></o>George: I mean the fellow’s name.<o
></o><o
></o>Condi: Hu.<o
></o><o
></o>George: The guy in China.<o
></o><o
></o>Condi: Hu.<o
></o><o
></o>George: The new leader of China.<o
></o><o
></o>Condi: Hu.<o
></o><o
></o>George: The Chinaman.<o
></o><o
></o>Condi: Hu is leading China.<o
></o><o
></o>George: Now waddya’ asking me for?<o
></o><o
></o>Condi: I’m telling you that Hu is leading China.<o
></o><o
></o>George: Well, I’m asking you, who is leading China?<o
></o><o
></o>Condi: That’s the mans name.<o
></o><o
></o>George: That’s who’s name?<o
></o><o
></o>Condi: Yes.<o
></o><o
></o>George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?<o
></o><o
></o>Condi: Yes, sir.<o
></o><o
></o>George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.<o
></o><o
></o>Condi: That’s correct.<o
></o><o
></o>George: Then who is in China?<o
></o><o
></o>Condi: Yes, sir.<o
></o><o
></o>George: Yassir is in China?<o
></o><o
></o>Condi: No, sir.<o
></o><o
></o>George: Then who is?<o
></o><o
></o>Condi: Yes, sir.<o
></o><o
></o>George: Yassir?<o
></o><o
></o>Condi: No, sir.<o
></o><o
></o>George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.<o
></o><o
></o>Condi: Kofi?<o
></o><o
></o>George: No, thanks.<o
></o><o
></o>Condi: You want Kofi?<o
></o><o
></o>George: No.<o
></o><o
></o>Condi: You don’t want Kofi.<o
></o><o
></o>George: No, but now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.<o
></o><o
></o>Condi: Kofi?<o
></o><o
></o>George: Milk! Now will you please make the call?<o
></o><o
></o>Condi: And call who?<o
></o>George: Who is the guy at the U.N.?<o
></o><o
></o>Condi: Hu is the guy in China.<o
></o><o
></o>George: Will you stay out of China?<o
></o><o
></o>Condi: Yes, sir.<o
></o><o
></o>George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.<o
></o><o
></o>Condi: Kofi?<o
></o><o
></o>George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone!<o
></o><o
></o>Condi: (Picks up the phone) Rice, here.<o
></o><o
></o>George: Rice, good idea. And a couple of egg rolls too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?<o
></o>Brian Hamilton
I'm on the verge of touching myself inappropriatel
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing football without a helmet.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.
BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, home run, or goal. Also good for mooning.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing football without a helmet.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.
BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, home run, or goal. Also good for mooning.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had
spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comffice:smarttags" /><st1lace w:st="on"><st1:City w:st="on">Miami</st1:City></st1lace> sun
when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.
"Oscar, what happened to you?", asked the flea, because Oscar
looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red,
and his teeth chattering.
"I got a ride down here in some guy’s moustache and he came
down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar.
"Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading
some more suntan oil on his shoulders. "You go to the stewardess lounge
at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air
<st1lace w:st="on"><st1:State w:st="on">Florida</st1:State></st1lace> stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm
ride. Got it?"
So you can imagine the flea’s surprise when, a month or so later, while
stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see
but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before.
"Listen," said Oscar, "I did everything you said. I made it to the
stewardess lounge and waited til a really cute one came in, and
made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off."
"And so?" asked the first flea.
"And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's moustache again!"
spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com
ffice:smarttags" /><st1lace w:st="on"><st1:City w:st="on">Miami</st1:City></st1lace> sunwhen who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.
"Oscar, what happened to you?", asked the flea, because Oscar
looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red,
and his teeth chattering.
"I got a ride down here in some guy’s moustache and he came
down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar.
"Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading
some more suntan oil on his shoulders. "You go to the stewardess lounge
at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air
<st1
lace w:st="on"><st1:State w:st="on">Florida</st1:State></st1lace> stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warmride. Got it?"
So you can imagine the flea’s surprise when, a month or so later, while
stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see
but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before.
"Listen," said Oscar, "I did everything you said. I made it to the
stewardess lounge and waited til a really cute one came in, and
made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off."
"And so?" asked the first flea.
"And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's moustache again!"
Tacky,crude,juvenile,crass,racist,offensive and about the most un-p.c. thing I`ve ever read. Keep up the good work!!
God put Adam and Eve on the earth to copulate and populate. He went down for a visit and called out to them. After a while Adam came out of the bushes and started talking to God. God asked, "What have you been doing Adam?" Adam said, "Me and Eve have been copulating and populating like you asked us to." God said that is great but where is Eve?" Adam said, "She went down to the stream to wash up" God said, "Oh no! I'll never get that smell off all those fish!"
David Lowe
Lifetime Supporter
MEMO TO ALL OUR EMPLOYEES.
FROM: Steve Reynolds, Human Resources Manager
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4th November
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if the Managing Director shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00 pm.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make a special announcement at the Party.
Merry Christmas to you and your Family
Steve
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Steve Reynolds, Human Resources Manager
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th November
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party.' The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Steve.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM; Steve Reynolds, Human Resources Manager
TO: All Employees
DATE : 6th November
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management believe $10.00 is a little cheap.
NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Steve.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Steve Reynolds, Human Resources Manager
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th November
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table, too.
To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. And No, no blow-up sheep.
We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!
Steve.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Steve Reynolds, Human Resources Manager
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 8 November
RE: The ******** Holiday Party.
Vegetarian pricks. I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it.
You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feeling, too.
They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!!
Hope you all have a rotten holiday * drink, drive, and die!
The P****** from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Barry Jack - Acting Human Resources Manager
DATE: 9th November
RE: Steve Reynolds and Xmas Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Steve Reynolds a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to him.
In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Xmas Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.
FROM: Steve Reynolds, Human Resources Manager
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4th November
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if the Managing Director shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00 pm.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make a special announcement at the Party.
Merry Christmas to you and your Family
Steve
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Steve Reynolds, Human Resources Manager
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th November
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party.' The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Steve.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM; Steve Reynolds, Human Resources Manager
TO: All Employees
DATE : 6th November
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management believe $10.00 is a little cheap.
NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Steve.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Steve Reynolds, Human Resources Manager
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th November
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table, too.
To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. And No, no blow-up sheep.
We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!
Steve.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Steve Reynolds, Human Resources Manager
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 8 November
RE: The ******** Holiday Party.
Vegetarian pricks. I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it.
You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feeling, too.
They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!!
Hope you all have a rotten holiday * drink, drive, and die!
The P****** from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Barry Jack - Acting Human Resources Manager
DATE: 9th November
RE: Steve Reynolds and Xmas Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Steve Reynolds a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to him.
In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Xmas Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
Chopper's Christmas poem. Do not open if bad language offends.:thumbsup:
YouTube - Choppers Christmas Poem- Ronnie Johns
YouTube - Choppers Christmas Poem- Ronnie Johns
DO MEN REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?'he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
'I would have been released today.'
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com<img src=" /><o
></o>Chris Duncan
Supporter
Well Bill if there were ANY doubts about what kind of person you are, there's absolutely NO doubts now.
David Lowe
Lifetime Supporter
At the pharmacy, a man asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The lady at
the counter said that she herself was the pharmacist, and that she and her
sister owned the store, so there were no male employees.
She asked how she could help.
The man said that it was something he would be more comfortable
discussing with a male pharmacist.
She reminded him that she was completely professional, and he could
speak with her.
"This is tough for me to discuss," he said, "but I have a permanent erection. So I was wondering what you could give me for it."
"Just a minute", said the pharmacist, " I'll go talk to my sister."
She returned a few minutes later and said: "We discussed this at length.
The absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership of the shop, a company
car, and $ 4,000 a month living expenses."
the counter said that she herself was the pharmacist, and that she and her
sister owned the store, so there were no male employees.
She asked how she could help.
The man said that it was something he would be more comfortable
discussing with a male pharmacist.
She reminded him that she was completely professional, and he could
speak with her.
"This is tough for me to discuss," he said, "but I have a permanent erection. So I was wondering what you could give me for it."
"Just a minute", said the pharmacist, " I'll go talk to my sister."
She returned a few minutes later and said: "We discussed this at length.
The absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership of the shop, a company
car, and $ 4,000 a month living expenses."
