Jokes anyone? -

[Scott Calabro]

> Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.
>
>
>
> The robot says, "What will you have?"
>
> The guy says, "Martini."
>
> The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man,
>
> "What's your IQ?"
>
> The guy says, "168."
>
> The robot then proceeds to talk about physics,
>
> space exploration and medical technology.
>
> The guy leaves, but he is curious...
>
> So he goes back into the bar.
>
> The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
>
> The guy says, "Martini."
>
> Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says,
>
> "What's your IQ?"
>
> The guy says, "100."
>
> The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.
>
> The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting,
>
> so he thinks he will try it one more time.
>
> He goes back into the bar.
>
> The robot says, "What will you have?"
>
> The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.
>
> The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
>
> The guy says, "Uh, about 60."
>
> The robot leans in real close and says,
>
> "So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?"

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

> Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.
>
>
>
> The robot says, "What will you have?"
>
> The guy says, "Martini."
>
> The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man,
>
> "What's your IQ?"
>
> The guy says, "168."
>
> The robot then proceeds to talk about physics,
>
> space exploration and medical technology.
>
> The guy leaves, but he is curious...
>
> So he goes back into the bar.
>
> The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
>
> The guy says, "Martini."
>
> Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says,
>
> "What's your IQ?"
>
> The guy says, "100."
>
> The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.
>
> The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting,
>
> so he thinks he will try it one more time.
>
> He goes back into the bar.
>
> The robot says, "What will you have?"
>
> The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.
>
> The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
>
> The guy says, "Uh, about 60."
>
> The robot leans in real close and says,
>
> "So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?"

Gold! I'm gonna steal it and change Obama to Kevin!

 

[Scott Calabro]

You will like this one too Pete...


http://j-walk.com/other/goodwife/images/goodwifeguide.gif

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

You will like this one too Pete...


http://j-walk.com/other/goodwife/images/goodwifeguide.gif

A cracker:thumbsup: Where did we go wrong? I blame the Kiwis they were first to give women the vote. It's been downhill ever since.

 

[Evan]

dont know if this was posted already.

So there were two cows relaxing in the middle of the farm. One says to the other all concerned. "How do you feel about this mad cow disease?" The other cow replies "what the hell do I care, im a helicopter."

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Penguins



Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go ?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life..

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird
to be rolled into and buried.


The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:





"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."



"Then they kick him in the ice hole."


You really didn't think I knew anything about Penguins did you?

 

[Keith]

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless dress, walked in a bar in Dublin. She held an empty glass up high revealing a huge, hairy armpit, pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'
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The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed ' Give the ballerina a drink!'

<o></o>
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and with arm once again raised high clutching the now empty glass and cried, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'
<o></o>

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and shouted, 'Get the ballerina another drink!'

The bartender approached the little drunk and said 'Tell me, Padraig, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'
<o></o>
The drunk replied,

'Any woman who can lift her leg that high hash got to be a ballerina.........

 

[Garry]

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello?"

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory.
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab
last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as
well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your
husband.. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for
Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV.
We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?"
questioned Mrs. Sanders.

"Normally we can, but the new health care system will
only pay for these expensive tests just one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The folks at Obama health care recommend that you
drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he
finds his way home, don't sleep with him."




​

Garry

 

[David Morton]

Probably an old one but still makes me laugh:



An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for
Two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did
This to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a
Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man
With grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of
The Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and
Tells them:

'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't
Marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of
her
Life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a
Townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
£4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and
£2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do.
What do you suggest?'

At this point, the girl’s father, who had remained silent, places a
Hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

'You shag her again'.

 

[Gary]

So I heard that all the CEOs of the brewing organizations got together for a drink in honor of St Patrick’s Day…

Bruce, the CEO of Fosters, shouts to the barman: "In 'Straiyla, we make the best beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters mate.

Bob, CEO of Budweiser calls out next: "In the States we brew the finest beer known to mankind and I make the king of them all. Gimme a Bud".

Hans steps up next: "In Germany we invented das beer. Give me ein Becks, der real King of beers."

Paddy, CEO of Guinness steps forward: "Barman give me a diet coke with ice and lemon please."

The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a Guinness Pat?"
To which Paddy replies "Well, if you pussies aren't drinking, then neither am I".

 

[Bill Musarra]

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</td></tr> <tr> <td style="padding: 0in;"> Three blondes (natural) died and found themselves standing before St.. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to
tell him what Easter was.

The first blonde (from Ohio ) said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St Peter said, "Blondes," and he banished her to hell.

The second blonde (from Indiana ) said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."

St Peter said, "Booboo," and he banished her to hell.

The third blonde (from Kentucky ) said she knew what Easter was and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder.

St Peter said, "Verrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder, and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."

St Peter fainted.
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[Aaron L.]

YouTube - Late For Work

 

[Brian Hamilton]

A few generalizations from different car forums:

Bentley Forums
- I used the ash tray today. How do I replace it?

Camaro/Firebird Forums
- My girl slept with my brother and my wife. How can I kill 'em? btw,
I have a record and I ain't going back.

Mustang forums
-Some punk kid in a Civic tried to race me.

Monte Carlo forums
-Why do I keep getting pulled over, it ain't stolen yo.

Civic forums
-Some punk kid in a Mustang tried to race me.

VW Bug forum
- The Save the Earth concert was a success (pics)

Yugo Forum
- When's the last time yours ran?

Lamborghini forum
- Wind noise around 210MPH

Miata forums
- Some redneck jackass in a Chevy Tahoe just ran over my car (pics)

Chevy Tahoe forum
-Miata stuck in my undercarriage. How do I safely remove it? (pics)

Pontiac Fiero forum
- Just bought a new flame retardant suit (pics)

BMW 7-series forum
- Where to get service on my Rolex?

Cadillac forum
- Problems parallel parking at bingo.

Chevy Suburban Forum
- Is the price of gas going down anytime soon?

Buick Forum
- Is Medicare or Medicaid right for me?

Delorean forum
- Just got back from the future and blew a head gasket. Please help. I'm
from 1985.

Crown Victoria forum
- How come people never pass me on the highway? <-----

Honda Accord forum
- Mom is giving me the car. Looking for some cheap, used 18 inch rims.

Toyota Echo forum
- Do our cars use AAA or AA's?

Ferrari forums
- Need suggestions about a business trip to Colombia. Want to get in
and out fast.

Porsche forums
- Tire just went flat. Is it best to trade or sell the car myself?

Saturn forums
- Roman candle landed on my fender. Melted and need to replace.

Jaguar forum
- Is the carbon fiber dash kit group-buy still on?

Mercedes forum
- My wife and her stink hole lawyer are trying to ruin me in divorce
court. How do I get them both killed and not get in trouble with my medical
board?

Mini forum
- Just flipped the Cooper after seeing The Italian Job. Suing the movie
company. (pics)

Dodge Viper forum
- I frightened myself on the way home from work yesterday. How to get pee
stains out of the leather?

McLaren F1 forum
-Some punk kid in a F16 tried to race me.

Dodge Minivan forum
- Where's the best place to post the soccer schedule so I don't forget
where I'm supposed to be?

Hummer forum
- Had a fender bender today. 24 hurt, 10 killed. Do I have to get the
black touch-up paint from the dealer? He's 25 miles away. That's $35
in gas.

Fiat forum
-Hello? Am I the only member?

Subaru WRX forum
- I hate cops. Got ticketed for drifting in the Walmart parking lot.

Chevy pickup forum
- How do I git the dried tobacco juice stains off the side of mah
truck?

Vette Forums
-Why did I pay $50k for something with a Cavalier steering wheel?

Ford 2.3 forums
-Help! Replaced everything, still doesn't start

SRTforums
- SRT's are the gods of the street, why do people still laugh at us? They're not neons!!

Audi A4 2.8 V6 Forum:
- So..... yah...... we're ALL getting like 18-22mpg still..... right guys? Okay, yup.... just checkin!

VW GTI forum:
- #$&^%* its not a golf!

Cavalier forums:
- cut my springs and added 16 inch rims (pics)

Sunfire forums:
- cavalier are so ghey, they are pieces of crap (pics)

MR2 forums:
- guy told me my ferrari looked like crap (pics)

AE86 forums:
- got a ticket for drifting how to fight it?

Spyder Forums:
- does my hair move in the wind to much? (pics)

DSM forums:
- got a 12.9 right before it broke!

G35 forums:
- raced a Mclaren last night and beat him , foreals!

350Z forums:
- some douche in a g35 tried to race me

Skyline forums:
- got my new skyline, drives like my old maxima!(pics)

3000gt forums:
- need help on how to change tire, car to heavy for floor jack

Jeep forums:
- rolled trying to flex new suspension (pics)

Hyundai forum:
- some ******* in a jeep rolled over ontop of my car (pics)

Supra forums:
- broke the land speed record in my town! (pics)

Streetbike forums:
- wind noise at 200mph, how to keep it quiet?

stuntbike forums:
- ran from the ghettobird, flipped off cop (pics)

Seat forums:
- que?

M3 forums:
- a gay guy hit on me, should i punch him or invite him over?

Mercedes forums:
- help with armrest refrigerator.. not cooling enough!

Austin Martin forums:
- why the f^&* does my three hundred thousand dollar car have Ford escort door handles! suing!

 

[Jim Rosenthal]

In the summer of 1969, a mail sorter at a New York post office received a letter addressed "To The Greatest Drummer in the World." There was no address or return address and the sorter wasn't sure what to do. Fortunately, there was a former drummer who worked the front counter of the Post Office who promptly found Max Roach's address and forwarded the letter. Max Roach received the letter and said, "Oh no, I'm not the greatest drummer in the world." Max then promptly forwarded the letter to Gene Krupa, who said "Somebody must've made a mistake." Gene then forwarded the letter on to Buddy Rich (known for his incredible ego and abuse of his band members for every little mistake they made). Of course, Buddy had been waiting his entire life for that moment. He read the words "To The Greatest Drummer in the World" and smiled from ear-to-ear as he ripped open the envelope.

He began to read the letter (see below)























"Dear Ringo…”

 

[Jim Rosenthal]

I hope there are some musicians out there who will appreciate this. Buddy Rich WAS a great drummer. He was also a great asshole. There are tapes of Buddy screaming at his band members on the tour bus that are legendary. If you asked Buddy Rich who the three greatest drummers in the world were, he would have been unable to tell you who the other two were.

 

[Jim Rosenthal]

So what's on the Viper forum this morning

 

[Ian Anderson]

The Vicar's Salary
At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Southland and Otago, stands up and proclaims:
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to

transport their children!'
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says,
‘If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private

secondary school education of his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
'If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking

his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'F--- him'.

 

[Ian Anderson]

Best non PC bunch I've see in a while!



· I’m living next door to an aboriginal couple at the moment.

They have 3 little kids and they’ve challenged me to a water fight in the back yard, so I’m just writing to you while the kettle boils!


· Can you spare just $2? Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia.

He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal.

If you send us just $2, we will send you the video – its bloody hilarious.


· I’ve caught a stray parrot in my garden. All he says is good morning you ugly Bastard. It’s not yours is it?


· I’m sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations.

Just had one from the sperm bank. Bloody hell.....did I give her a mouthful!


· Husband says to his wife “do you fancy playing a rape game?”

Wife says “no”.

Husband replies “that’s the spirit!”


· There’s a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market: Trycoxagain.


· I failed my biology exam today. I was asked to name 2 things commonly found in cells.

Apparently, aboriginals and Lebanese rapists is not the correct answer.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

>What Tiger should have said!



To my wife, I'm sorry. I fucked up but I'm not
> changing so you'll either need to put up with this shit or I'll stroke
> you the check I agreed to in the pre-nup....sorry.
>
> To my fans, get over it. Where I stick my dick is none
> of your business. If you care....sorry. I don't need any of you in
> order to make 10 times in one year what you'll make in a career. I
> promise to continue to hit 4 irons from 210 yards to within 10' of the
> hole and drop puts that you couldn't read in a million years. If that's
> not good enough for you, go watch tennis.
>
> To the media. You cocksuckers are the only ones more
> two-faced than I am. Kissing my ass for all those years and then
> ripping me every chance you've had since Thanksgiving. Fuck all ya'll.
> I'm glad I don't have to take the time to sit and answer the same
> bullshit questions over and over again.
>
> To the other golfers. Kiss my cablanasian ass! You
> motherfuckers come out ripping me when I've put more fucking money in
> your pockets than you could count. You think anyone's been paying to
> see Jesper-fucking-Parnavik? Give me a fucking break. I'm almost
> tempted to give up golf just to punish you guys but I think it's going
> to be more fun to practice for the next few weeks and get back to
> making you all my bitches.
>
> That's all I got today folks.....see ya at Augusta
> !....Oh and Bambi, if you're listening I'll meet you at the Ritz in 45
> minutes.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no experience.
She mounts the horse. unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action.....As it gallops along at its steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from her saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horses neck, but despite her best efforts, slides down the horses flanks.
The horse continues to gallop along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horses pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground time and time again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Frank, the Woolworth's trolley boy, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse