Jokes anyone? -

wbmusarra · Feb 8, 2015

Dave and his wife, Anne, were driving home one very cold night in Wisconsin, when
Anne yells at him to stop the car. Anne jumps out and picks up a
little bundle that was laying in the road. She brings it back to the
car and it turns out it was a baby skunk. It was barely alive, but very cold.
Anne says, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us,
get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

Dave says, "Okay, get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to keep it warm?

"Put it between your legs. It ought to be nice and warm there."

Anne says, "But what about the smell?"

"Just hold his little nose."

Dave is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

jimbo · Feb 8, 2015

Veek you missed:
"She Got The Gold Mine, I Got The Shaft"
and
"You should go and hang your head in shame, the way you tried to ruin my name, and even tried to put the blame on me when I was all alone and blue..." (actually a real tune)

wbmusarra · Feb 9, 2015

This would be funny if it were not true:

Thoughts to ponder----------

Conundrum
A conundrum....very strange.
The definition of the word Conundrum is: something that is puzzling or confusing.
Here are six Conundrums of socialism in the United States of America:

1. America is capitalist and greedy - yet half of the population is subsidized.
2. Half of the population is subsidized - yet they think they are victims.
3. They think they are victims - yet their representatives run the government.
4. Their representatives run the government - yet the poor keep getting poorer.
5. The poor keep getting poorer - yet they have things that people in other countries only dream about.
6. They have things that people in other countries only dream about - yet they want America to be more like those other countries.

Think about it! And that, my friends, pretty much sums up the USA in the 21st Century.
Makes you wonder who is doing the math.

These three, short sentences tell you a lot about the direction of our current government and cultural environment:

1. We are advised to NOT judge ALL Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics, but we are encouraged to judge ALL gun owners by the actions of a few lunatics. Funny how that works.
And here's another one worth considering...
2. Seems we constantly hear about how Social Security is going to run out of money. How come we never hear about welfare or food stamps running out of money? What's interesting is the first group "worked for" their money, but the second didn't. Think about it.....
and Last but not least,
3. Why are we cutting benefits for our veterans, no pay raises for our military and cutting our army to a level lower than before WWII, but we are not stopping the payments or benefits to illegal aliens.

Nick Brough · Feb 9, 2015

jimbo said:
Veek you missed:
"She Got The Gold Mine, I Got The Shaft"
and
"You should go and hang your head in shame, the way you tried to ruin my name, and even tried to put the blame on me when I was all alone and blue..." (actually a real tune)

Sort of Country and Western

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c6DPYtWftuQ

Harvest of Love

I rise at six and then I feed the chicks,
And I'm feeling lonesome and blue,

And when I milk the cow it seems, somehow,
My thoughts keep straying to you.

And as the horse and I plough the field nearby,
Your memory I can't erase,

For while I walk at the rear of the horse, my dear,
I seem to see your face.

I'm gonna sow the seed of deep devotion, fertilize it with emotion,
Water it with warm desire and then I'll reap the harvest of love.

Yes, I was happy as a pig in spite of the way that you looked at me,
When I met you at the village dance,
But you was in the ladies' excuse me at the time,
I thought I would never have a chance.
But you let me walk you home across Blatt's Meadow,
And I knew that with you I should be a hit,

'Cause I got an old cow to get up walk away,
So that you'd have somewhere nice and dry to sit.

I'm gonna sow the seed of deep devotion, fertilize it with emotion,
Water it with warm desire and then I'll reap the harvest of love.

Side by side we will take a ride,
In my horse and buggy one day,

And when the daylight ends and the night descends,
And my horse'll run out of hay,

And I will kiss your lips, those tempting lips,
The only ones that can thrill me,

And I would hold you tight 'neath the stars so bright,
If the wife ever finds out she'll kill me.

I'm gonna sow the seed of deep devotion, fertilize it with emotion,
Water it with warm desire and then I'll reap the harvest of love.

Pete · Feb 9, 2015

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY BY PAM AYRES

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;...
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.

In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"

Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey

Malcolm · Feb 10, 2015

Pam Ayres is a national treasure!

David Morton · Feb 10, 2015

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you. I have a very rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."

David Morton · Feb 10, 2015

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah ... She's purty good lookin'..."
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit ...
***********

This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?
***********

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said,
"If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?
***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then ... try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?
***********

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?
***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?

delaneyp · Feb 13, 2015

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ontFlipMirrorIndents/> <w:OverrideTableStyleHps/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> <m:mathPr> <m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/> <m:brkBin m:val="before"/> <m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/> <m:smallFrac m:val="off"/> <m:dispDef/> <m:lMargin m:val="0"/> <m:rMargin m:val="0"/> <m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/> <m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/> <m:intLim m:val="subSup"/> <m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/> </m:mathPr></w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--> Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on UK television with British TV host Anne Diamond. He used the word "manyana" (pronounced "man -yana"). Diamond asked him to explain what it meant.
He said that the term means:"Maybe the job will be done tomorrow; Maybe the next day; Maybe the day after that; or perhaps next week; Next month; Next year. Who really cares?"
The host turned to Albert Yatapingu from the Gumbaingeri Tribe (Aboriginal) who was also on the show. She asked him if there was an equivalent term in his native language.
"Nah" he replied. "In Australia we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency."

soulcoaxer · Feb 13, 2015

Breaking News

soulcoaxer · Feb 13, 2015

From a friend back east …

Big-Foot · Feb 13, 2015

Wheel of fortune?? :stunned:

Veek · Feb 16, 2015

Old F-4 Pilot...

A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar. Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.

I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was a Marine F-4 driver, flying back in' Nam , but when they retired the Phantom all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashed me in as well.

I learned to play the piano at O-Club happy hours, so here I am."

The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try.

The seedy pilot staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced.

What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.

The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played?

It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You" he said. After a long pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he said "I wrote it myself."

The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the fighter pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light.

He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song, "Spread 'em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The Centerline", excused himself and headed for the john.

When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey fly boy, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out.

"Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"

Pete · Feb 16, 2015

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

BenL · Feb 16, 2015

Malcolm said:
Pam Ayres is a national treasure!

I never heard her before, but she's brilliant!
Wedding by Pam Ayres

Keith1 · Feb 18, 2015

We never hear any European humour these days, so I am delighted to post a joke forwarded to me by a good Norwegian friend. Apparently, in Oslo, this has them rocking in the aisles...:huh:

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Ola was walking home late at night, through the park, and sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty dollars," she whispers.

He's never been with a hooker before, so he figures, "what the hell, it's only twenty bucks..."...

So they hide in the bushes and are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them.

It's a police officer. "What's going on here people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making luff to my wife," Ola answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry" says the cop. "I didn't know."

"Vell," Ola says, "I didn't either until you flashed that damn light in her face."
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</td> </tr> </tbody></table>

Pete · Feb 18, 2015

Haha, I think I'll convert that one into an Irish joke for Aussie consumption.

Keith1 · Feb 18, 2015

Don't laugh Pete, but I think I just got it! Not bad actually....:thumbsup:

Keith1 · Feb 20, 2015

Another one for Pete:

A Welsh Muslim was caught having sex with a sheep today.

He said it was islamb and he could do what he wanted with it.

Big-Foot · Feb 20, 2015

The Boots......a good laugh
(Anyone who has ever dressed a child or been an early grade teacher, will love this)

------

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'

She looked, and sure enough, they were.

Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to.

Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,

'They're my brother's boots. But my Mom made me wear 'em today.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She'll be eligible for parole in three years.

Jokes anyone? -

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