Jokes anyone? -
- Thread starter p thompson
- Start date
Well,
just to keep the fun awake.
2 friends meet after 20 years. 1 is visibly rich at the contrary of the other who looks visibly poor.
- Hi it is now a long time.......what are you doing?
- Nothing concrete, and you?
- I have a business for selling bear's skins.
- Wow, how does it work?
- Very easy, you go around the montains, and when you find a cave you shout.....BUUUH::: when the bear comes out to see what is happening, just shoot him in the face and that's it.
After 3 weeks they meet again and the poor one says to his friend:
- Fuck you asshole, your system does not work.
- Why, i did for 15 years.
- I was ready to shoot him when.....the TRAIN came out.
just to keep the fun awake.
2 friends meet after 20 years. 1 is visibly rich at the contrary of the other who looks visibly poor.
- Hi it is now a long time.......what are you doing?
- Nothing concrete, and you?
- I have a business for selling bear's skins.
- Wow, how does it work?
- Very easy, you go around the montains, and when you find a cave you shout.....BUUUH::: when the bear comes out to see what is happening, just shoot him in the face and that's it.
After 3 weeks they meet again and the poor one says to his friend:
- Fuck you asshole, your system does not work.
- Why, i did for 15 years.
- I was ready to shoot him when.....the TRAIN came out.
A dog meets a rabbit next to the forrest.
- Hi rabbit, what are you doing?
- I am bored and when I find the Lion I will give him a lesson.
He said the same to the monky and the same to many other animals, when...........THE LION
- Hi sweety rabbit, what are you doing?
- I am bored and I am telling a lot of bullshits to everybody.
- Hi rabbit, what are you doing?
- I am bored and when I find the Lion I will give him a lesson.
He said the same to the monky and the same to many other animals, when...........THE LION
- Hi sweety rabbit, what are you doing?
- I am bored and I am telling a lot of bullshits to everybody.
As it happens every Friday night, a father gives 10 US to his son for having some fun into the nekt town house, Chez Madame Rose et ses filles.
Walking to go there, Charlie realises that's too early and at half way he thinks to go to his Grand Mother to say her hello.
- Hi Charlie, where are you going?
- I am going Chez Madame Rose.
- Charlie, this is not good. First yoou shall pay and second there is no love. I will teach you, come up.
It happend.
Charlie goes back home and when he arrived, his father asked:
- Charlie, why back so early, any problem?
- You know, I went to say hello to Grand Momie who was disappointed about where i was going and she told me to go up for a true lesson.
- Did you fuck my mother???
- Yes, and on top i still have the 10 US in my pocket.
- Idiot, asshole, you fucked my mother?
- Hooo, daddy, don't make it so long, this story, it is all the life you are fucking mine......
Walking to go there, Charlie realises that's too early and at half way he thinks to go to his Grand Mother to say her hello.
- Hi Charlie, where are you going?
- I am going Chez Madame Rose.
- Charlie, this is not good. First yoou shall pay and second there is no love. I will teach you, come up.
It happend.
Charlie goes back home and when he arrived, his father asked:
- Charlie, why back so early, any problem?
- You know, I went to say hello to Grand Momie who was disappointed about where i was going and she told me to go up for a true lesson.
- Did you fuck my mother???
- Yes, and on top i still have the 10 US in my pocket.
- Idiot, asshole, you fucked my mother?
- Hooo, daddy, don't make it so long, this story, it is all the life you are fucking mine......
2 explorers are standing in front of a big hole in the ground.
- Joe, how deep do you think it is?
- I do know Charlie, but if we put down a stone we will hear when it is arriving down and from the time it takes we can easly estimate how deep it is.
- Let us try, Joe.
They take a huge stone and they throw it down into the hole. After a while:
- Have you heard anything, Joe??
- Nothing Charlie, let us try with a bigger one.
They throw down a stone about one ton. After a while:
- Have you heard anyting, Joe?
- Nothing, Charlie. Look, let us throw down this rail, it will make a metallic noise which we can hear easly.
They take the rail and they throw it down....when.....a donky...running like a hell is diving into the hole.
- Joe, let us go away, there is some black magie around here.......
A farmer arrives and asked to the guys:
- Hey, guys, have you seen my donky aroud here?
- No...or better, let us say that we have seen one running and diving into the hole...
- That's not mine. Mine was holded against a rail.
- Joe, how deep do you think it is?
- I do know Charlie, but if we put down a stone we will hear when it is arriving down and from the time it takes we can easly estimate how deep it is.
- Let us try, Joe.
They take a huge stone and they throw it down into the hole. After a while:
- Have you heard anything, Joe??
- Nothing Charlie, let us try with a bigger one.
They throw down a stone about one ton. After a while:
- Have you heard anyting, Joe?
- Nothing, Charlie. Look, let us throw down this rail, it will make a metallic noise which we can hear easly.
They take the rail and they throw it down....when.....a donky...running like a hell is diving into the hole.
- Joe, let us go away, there is some black magie around here.......
A farmer arrives and asked to the guys:
- Hey, guys, have you seen my donky aroud here?
- No...or better, let us say that we have seen one running and diving into the hole...
- That's not mine. Mine was holded against a rail.
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
Test Post.
Oops sorry, Ron already told that one.
Oops sorry, Ron already told that one.
In the Bar.
- Hey, one whisky before the war.
He got it and after5 min:
- Another whisky before the war.
He got it and after 5 min:
- Quicly one whisky before the war.
He got it and after5 min:
- A whisky before the war.
- Which fucking war are you talking about?
- Ohhh, the war is starting
- Hey, one whisky before the war.
He got it and after5 min:
- Another whisky before the war.
He got it and after 5 min:
- Quicly one whisky before the war.
He got it and after5 min:
- A whisky before the war.
- Which fucking war are you talking about?
- Ohhh, the war is starting
An old lady taking the bus with 7 chickens alive.
- How much should I pay?
- I am sorry, but the animals are alive and you shall pay 8 tickets.
She brake the neck to all of them and she asked again:
- And now?
- Only one ticket
Behind her there was a man with a perroquet on the sholder, who starts to say
- Listen, dont be like her for only one dollar....I can give it you back at home.
- How much should I pay?
- I am sorry, but the animals are alive and you shall pay 8 tickets.
She brake the neck to all of them and she asked again:
- And now?
- Only one ticket
Behind her there was a man with a perroquet on the sholder, who starts to say
- Listen, dont be like her for only one dollar....I can give it you back at home.
One guy take the phone and order 1.000 kgs of wood for heating up during the winter.
As soon as he wend out, the perroquet order again 1.000 kgs of wood.
When the truck was delivering the 2.000 kgs, the owner asked why.
The wood man said that after a while he phoned again to order 1.000 kgs more.
The man tooke the wood and runned to the perroquet. He catched him and hold him on the desk.
Looking around the perroquet saw Jesus holded above the door on his cross.
- Hey you, how long are you there?
- More then 2.000 years.
- OOhhh God, how much wood have ordered?
As soon as he wend out, the perroquet order again 1.000 kgs of wood.
When the truck was delivering the 2.000 kgs, the owner asked why.
The wood man said that after a while he phoned again to order 1.000 kgs more.
The man tooke the wood and runned to the perroquet. He catched him and hold him on the desk.
Looking around the perroquet saw Jesus holded above the door on his cross.
- Hey you, how long are you there?
- More then 2.000 years.
- OOhhh God, how much wood have ordered?
- Dad,
what is the difference between theory and facts.
- Ask your mother if for half a million she would make sex with another man.
- She said, yes.
- Well, now ask the same to your sister.
- She said, yes.
- Good. This means that in theory we could have been millionairs, in fact we have 2 bitches at home.
what is the difference between theory and facts.
- Ask your mother if for half a million she would make sex with another man.
- She said, yes.
- Well, now ask the same to your sister.
- She said, yes.
- Good. This means that in theory we could have been millionairs, in fact we have 2 bitches at home.
Ron Earp
Admin
I was checking out the forum so you guys can post! Gheesh!
Not so good at jokes. Heard a bunch from the folks in the machine shop I used to work with in grad school but never can remember many. I did remember this one though for some reason.
------
A little boy was sitting on the front steps stirring some water and chickenshit together in a bucket.
A mailman walked up and said, “What do you have there son?”
Johnny replies “Chickenshit and water.”
“What are you making?” says the mailman.
“A mailman.” replies Johnny.
At which point the mailman walked up the street mad as hell.
A few minutes later a milkman comes down the street and asks Johnny “Hey, what do you have there?”
And Johnny replies “Chickenshit and water.”
“What are you making?” asks the milkman.
“A milkman.” Replies Johnny.
And the milkman gets pissed off and walks up the street where he talks with the mailman and a policeman. The policeman decides he’ll go back and have a word with Johnny.
“Hi son, what you got there?” ask the policeman.
“Chickenshit and water”
“Hmmm, I bet you’re making a policeman.” says the policeman.
“Naw.” says Johnny, “I ain’t got near enough chickenshit”
---
Keep'em coming, you guys are far better at jokes than I am!
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
The scene is set, the night is cold, the campfire is burning and the stars twinkle in the dark night sky...
Three hang-glider pilots, one from Australia, one from South Africa and the other from New Zealand, are sitting round a campfire near Ayers Rock, each embroiled with the bravado for which they are famous.
A night of tall tales begins....
Kiven, the kiwi says, "I must be the meanest, toughest heng glider dude there us. Why, just the other day, I linded in a field and scared a crocodile thet got loose from the swamp. Et ate sux men before I wrestled ut to the ground weth my bare hends end beat ut's bliddy 'ed un.
Jerry from South Africa typically can't stand to be bettered. "Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight on a tiny treck, ind a fifteen foot Namibian desert snike slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grebbed thet borsted with my bare hinds and tore it's head orf ind sucked the poison down in one gulp. Ind I'm still here today".
Barry the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.
Three hang-glider pilots, one from Australia, one from South Africa and the other from New Zealand, are sitting round a campfire near Ayers Rock, each embroiled with the bravado for which they are famous.
A night of tall tales begins....
Kiven, the kiwi says, "I must be the meanest, toughest heng glider dude there us. Why, just the other day, I linded in a field and scared a crocodile thet got loose from the swamp. Et ate sux men before I wrestled ut to the ground weth my bare hends end beat ut's bliddy 'ed un.
Jerry from South Africa typically can't stand to be bettered. "Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight on a tiny treck, ind a fifteen foot Namibian desert snike slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grebbed thet borsted with my bare hinds and tore it's head orf ind sucked the poison down in one gulp. Ind I'm still here today".
Barry the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
While waiting to finalise their Australian residential status, two Afghanistan men start chatting. As they part, they agree to meet in a years time and see who has adapted better to the Australian way of life.
True to their word, they meet after the year is up. The first says to the second "We have integrated so well...yesterday, I ate a meat pie and drank a VB while watching my son play Aussie rules"
The second man replies "F**k off, towel head
True to their word, they meet after the year is up. The first says to the second "We have integrated so well...yesterday, I ate a meat pie and drank a VB while watching my son play Aussie rules"
The second man replies "F**k off, towel head
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
After their boat sinks, two aussies are left floating around in their lifeboat in the middle of the ocean. All of a sudden one of them spots a funny looking bottle bobbing in the water and pulls it out. He sees something written on the bottle but can't quite read it so he gives it a bit of a rub.
SHAZAM.....out pops a genie!
"For releasing me from the bottle I will grant you one wish."
The guy glances at his mate, smiles and without further hesitation says, "I wish the whole ocean was beer!"
The genie claps his hands together and BOOM, there's a blinding light and the genie is gone. The guy quickly leans over the side of the boat and takes a big swig of "water".
"You're not gonna believe this mate, but it's really beer!"
His mate screws up his face and says "That's just bloody brilliant mate! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!!”
SHAZAM.....out pops a genie!
"For releasing me from the bottle I will grant you one wish."
The guy glances at his mate, smiles and without further hesitation says, "I wish the whole ocean was beer!"
The genie claps his hands together and BOOM, there's a blinding light and the genie is gone. The guy quickly leans over the side of the boat and takes a big swig of "water".
"You're not gonna believe this mate, but it's really beer!"
His mate screws up his face and says "That's just bloody brilliant mate! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!!”
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
"What are you doing?" She exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" He exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time coming from the den. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."
"What are you doing?" She exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" He exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time coming from the den. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
:lol::lol:
GOD: "Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in theworld is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles."
St. FRANCIS: "It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass."
GOD: "Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colourful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?"
ST. FRANCIS: "Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn."
GOD: "The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy."
ST. FRANCIS: "Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week."
GOD: "They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?"
ST. FRANCIS: "Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags."
GOD: "They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?"
ST. FRANCIS: "No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away." .
GOD: "Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow and when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?"
ST. FRANCIS: "Yes, Sir."
GOD: "These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work."
ST. FRANCIS: "You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it."
GOD: "What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life."
St. FRANCIS: "You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away."
GOD: "No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?"
ST. FRANCIS: "After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves."
GOD: "And where do they get this mulch?"
ST. FRANCIS: "They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch."
GOD: "Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?"
ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a story about..."
GOD: "Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis."
"THE GRASS!"
GOD: "Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in theworld is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles."
St. FRANCIS: "It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass."
GOD: "Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colourful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?"
ST. FRANCIS: "Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn."
GOD: "The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy."
ST. FRANCIS: "Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week."
GOD: "They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?"
ST. FRANCIS: "Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags."
GOD: "They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?"
ST. FRANCIS: "No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away." .
GOD: "Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow and when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?"
ST. FRANCIS: "Yes, Sir."
GOD: "These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work."
ST. FRANCIS: "You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it."
GOD: "What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life."
St. FRANCIS: "You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away."
GOD: "No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?"
ST. FRANCIS: "After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves."
GOD: "And where do they get this mulch?"
ST. FRANCIS: "They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch."
GOD: "Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?"
ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a story about..."
GOD: "Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis."
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
Age and treachery will beat youth and enthusiasm all the time.
No sooner had the young rooster arrived at the hen house for his first day on the job than the old rooster sidled up to him to explain the rules.
"Looky here sonny. See all them there hens. They're mine, and if you want any of the action you'll have to prove yourself worthy by beating me in a race to the other end of the chook yard."
The young rooster thinks about this for a moment and decides that winning a race against this old rooster would be a walk in the park. He quickly agrees and a time is set for midday.
Just before midday and the race is about to begin. The hens are lined up each side of the yard to adjudicate the proceedings and the two contestants are at the start line, when the old rooster says to the young rooster,
"Sonny, seeing as I'm old and you're young and fit, how about giving me a head start, say five seconds."
The young rooster ponders on this for a moment finally deciding that he can win against this ancient rooster with or without a five second head start. "Agreed", he says to the old rooster.
At exactly midday the race gets underway. The old rooster is off and running as fast as his old legs can carry him. Five seconds later the young rooster is off and catching up fast, really fast.
A hundred metres away the farmer is having lunch and a beer with his mate on the verandah of the farmhouse. Without a word he reaches behind him, retrieves a double barrel shotgun, takes aim carefully and blows the young rooster into the next world. Then he turns to his mate and says,
"Ya know Burnie, that's the third Gay rooster I've had in the past month".
No sooner had the young rooster arrived at the hen house for his first day on the job than the old rooster sidled up to him to explain the rules.
"Looky here sonny. See all them there hens. They're mine, and if you want any of the action you'll have to prove yourself worthy by beating me in a race to the other end of the chook yard."
The young rooster thinks about this for a moment and decides that winning a race against this old rooster would be a walk in the park. He quickly agrees and a time is set for midday.
Just before midday and the race is about to begin. The hens are lined up each side of the yard to adjudicate the proceedings and the two contestants are at the start line, when the old rooster says to the young rooster,
"Sonny, seeing as I'm old and you're young and fit, how about giving me a head start, say five seconds."
The young rooster ponders on this for a moment finally deciding that he can win against this ancient rooster with or without a five second head start. "Agreed", he says to the old rooster.
At exactly midday the race gets underway. The old rooster is off and running as fast as his old legs can carry him. Five seconds later the young rooster is off and catching up fast, really fast.
A hundred metres away the farmer is having lunch and a beer with his mate on the verandah of the farmhouse. Without a word he reaches behind him, retrieves a double barrel shotgun, takes aim carefully and blows the young rooster into the next world. Then he turns to his mate and says,
"Ya know Burnie, that's the third Gay rooster I've had in the past month".
