Jokes anyone? -

[Bill Bayard]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he wasfeeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to forcehimself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of
aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them,
a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect
order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the
aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in
the bathroom mirror.
Then he noticed a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red
with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make
you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian."

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the
table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hall, and
got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order
and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for
me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she
tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm
married!!'"

Broken Coffee Table $339.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time ..............


PRICELESS!!!!!!!

 

[Richard]

God said to Abraham, "COME FORTH!"

But he slipped on a pile of camel dung and came fifth

 

[wanni]

3 guys are waiting the execution of the death penalty....the day arrived.
- Come on the first...how do you prefere to die, hanging on, on the electric chair or by gas?
- The electricity makes me strange, I did not smoke all the life for not having any problem, hang me on. AMEN
- Come on the second..how do you want to die?
- His neck became horrible, I do not like gas as well, i take the chair.
ONE...TWO...TREE...still alive and free to walk out. By crossing next to the third he tells him: The chair is out of order...the chair does not work...
- Come on the third.....how do you want to die?
- Well Sir, the neck of the first impressed me a lot, the chair is out of order then the gas is fine.

 

[wanni]

A farmer goes to the animal market with 3 turkeys
- wow...they are wonderfull...what are you giving them to eat?
- nothing special, just what's is left from my family meals.
- ah...ah... you must pay 100 US of penalty because the Turkeys shall have an appropriate diet and I am from WWF.
He paid and wait for the second.
- Sir, fantastic animals, what are they eating?
- T bone steacks every day
- ah ah ah you must pay 100 US penalty because they need also vegetables.
He paid and waiting for the 3rd who arrived:
- Mister, the most wonderfull Turkeys I have never seen. What are they eating??
- I do not know, Sir. Every morning I give them 10 US each, and they buy what they like.

 

[wanni]

A Yuppy walk into a restaurant
- What do you like Sir?
- A steak of CAVIAR..
- Sir, sorry but CAVIAR is made by fish eggs.
- Ok then, make me an omelette.

 

[wanni]

The prime minister talks to the Sicilians in the main square of Palermo
- I promise....soon you will have bread and work...
- OOhhh Sir...why do you want to disturb yourselve so much....bread is fine and enough.

 

[Bill Musarra]

Grandpa has a problem!


There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table.

Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink, and after a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom.

When he returned, however, his trousers were wet all over.

"What happened, Grandpa?" he is asked by his concerned children.

"Well," he answered, "I don't really know....I had to go to the bathroom........So I took it out and started to pee, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!"

 

[Bill Musarra]

Geography of A Woman
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half wild,
naturally beautiful with fertile soil.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America , well developed and open to
trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of
her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France , gently aging; but still warm and
a desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and all
conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia , lost some wars, won some
great battles but haunted by past mistakes , still very strong and proud.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia , very wide and borders are now
largely un-patrolled.

After 70, she becomes Tibet . Off the beaten path, with a mysterious past
and the wisdom of the ages...still desirable but only those with an
adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge and true love dare
visit there.

GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 78, a man is like Iran - ruled by a prick.

 

[Bill Musarra]

Italian Logic


An old Italian Mafia "Don" is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed.

"Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you always remember me."

"But, Grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howz about you leava me your Rolex watch instead?"

"Shuddup an'a lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business.

You gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a bigga home and maybe a couple a bambinos.

Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find your wife inna bed with another man.

Whadda you gonna do then ... Pointa to you watch and say, "Times up"?

 

[wanni]

One guy has a great problem, every day, toward the ten in the morning it comes him a terrible headache for all the day long. This is now happening in the last 15 years. He heard about a specialist for that in Munich and he goes there for a visit.
with a great GERMAN accent - Klassik proplem SSir, there iss only EIN soluZion, you MUSSEN Kut your Pollocks and it iss oFer.
- Wow, Professor, let me thing about for a while. It is like to turn a page in the life's book.
But after 2 weeks of headaches he decide to change his life in a better way under some aspects by paying something under other aspects.
The operation is successfull. No more headaches.
While he feels very well and he can enjoy his life, he walks into an ARMANI shop.
- Please Sir, may I help you?
- Yes.....I need 3 costumes......10 shirts.......20 pairs of socks and 20 underwears.
- Which size for the underwears, Sir?
- The N° 3.
- May I suggest the N° 4, Sir, my experience tells me in this way.
- Listen, my friend, it is already 15 years that I am wearing the 3rd size, why should I change now?
- Never mind Sir, as you prefer, but remember that if they are too tied, they occur headaches.

 

[wanni]

One guy goes to the Doctor because his "baby" is longer then his legs and he decides to cut out a bit. He walks for the total anestetisation and when he is transported in the operatory room, the doctor assumes that he forgot how much he wanted to shorten it.
Big problem now...thinking...thinking..he asks to a young assistent for a female expertise.
- By your opinion, Miss Clarkson, how much would you cut the penis of this guy.
- Why should you cut it?
- It is longer then his legs and sometimes it comes out from the bottom.
- Well, my opinion is that you shall extend the legs, Doctor.

 

[wanni]

2 sicilians in honey moon
she is already in the bed and he is undressing.
As soon as he removes his T shirt..
- Wow, you have such a muscles.
- That's all dynamite.
By removing his trouses.
- Wow, unbelievable muscles.
- That's all dynamite.
After the underwears removal.
- With this whole dynamite, why do you have such a short fuse?

 

[wanni]

A couple of cow boys while controlling the animals, they are amazed from a sudden downpour and they are sheltered in a hide.
They are undressing in front of the fire in order to dry the clothes. One of them is wearing underwears while the other never seen them.
- What's that?
- Underwears
- To do what?
- For igienic purposes
- Never seen before.
- Everybody now is wearing it.
- Let me try, pls.
- Pls, be my guest.
- How to wear it?
- Easy, the yellow to the front and the brown to the back

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Two Topless Strippers, I hope I don't get into trouble for posting them.

 

[wanni]

A Scottish in the bed at the end of his life:
- Are my childs all here?
- Yes we are.
- Is my family all here?
- Yes it is.
- Are my employees all here?
- Yes we are
- And who is running the shop???

 

[wanni]

The great chief sends an emissary to the wizard:
- great chief, no caccas.
- let him try this
He comes back the day after:
- great chief, no caccas
- ok now try this
He comes back the day after:
- great chief, no caccas
- Ok now this is the last, let him try that.
He comes back the day after:
- great caccas, no chief

 

[Bill Musarra]

For you fishermen out there:

A man was fishing offshore in beautiful conditions.His first drop began with a 65 lb Kingfish and the second produced a 20 lb snapper.

On the third drop he had just scored his first ever Yellowfin tuna when his mobile phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition in the intensive are unit.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever fishing trip. He decided to get in a couple of more drifts before heading to the hospital.

He ended up catching several personal bests, and all in all, had his best days fishing by far. He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital.

He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and kept fishing didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the ocean, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished the fishing because it will be more than likely your last!"

For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clockcare. And you'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor snickered and said, "Just messing with you. She's dead. What'd you catch?"

 

[Bill Bayard]

Frank was excited about his new hunting rifle. While out in the woods sighting in the new gun, he spotted a big black bear, took careful aim and pulled the trigger. When the smoke cleared, he looked, but didn't see any sign of the bear. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see the bear standing there.

The bear said: "You've got two choices.
I either maul you to death or we have rough sex."

Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip, with a new, larger caliber rifle, found the bear and took careful aim once again. BOOOM! He looked where the bear had been, but there was nothing. No blood, no fur, nothing!

There was another tap on his shoulder.

Again, the bear stood right next to him. The bear says: "That was a huge mistake, Frank. That's twice that you've tried to kill me. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before he finally recovered. Outraged, Frank headed back to the woods, this time with a bazooka. For a third time, he took careful aim at the bear who had ripped him a new rear end. The bazooka went WHOOSH, followed by a tremendous explosion. Smoke and debris flew everywhere.

He felt sweet revenge, but then, there was that same tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find the bear standing there behind him.

The bear says:
"Admit it, Frank, you don't come here just for the hunting, do you?"

 

[Bill Musarra]

A young indian brave was watching the medicine man as he had just finished up with the birth of a healthy baby girl. As the medicine man walked out of the wig wam, he looked around and exclaimed, "I name you Running Fawn."

The next week the same boy observed the medicine man after another delivery. He walked out of the wig wam and proclaimed, "I name you dancing bear."

The boy was curious and aproched the old man and asked, "How is it you come by the name for each of the new born babys."

The old medicine man looked at the young boy, smiled, and replied, "It is really quite simple my son. I walk out of the wig wam, look around, and name the new born after the first thing I see..... Why do you ask Two Dogs F***ing?"

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?"

So Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw'em forever!"

The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he ripped off his clothes and started banging his dick on the dresser.

His wife stuck her head out of the shower and asked, "Is that you, Bubba?"