Jokes anyone? -

2 guys running in the savana, one with a big box and the other with a big stone in the hands are meeting.
- May I ask you a question? Why are you running with such a big box in your hands???
- Easy, when the Lion is comming to me to try an easy lunch, I just jump in the box and then I wait until the Lion goes away. But you...why such an heavy stone??
- Easy, when the Lion start to run against me, I just leave the stone in order to run much faster....
The horse of the King is sad
The King organise a concourse where who is gonna make the horse laughing, he winns 50 US
A long queue of clowns and jolly jockers tries for all the day long but nobody could. The old man insignificant walks in...talks to the horse who start to laugh like a stupid. The King pays very happy about.
After 9 days that the horse is laughing like a stupid, the King is concerned about again because he does not eat, and organise a new concourse: who can stop the horse of laughing will win 50 US. Again all the day people are trying without any result when the old man walk in again.
After 5 seconds the horse is again extremely serious.
The King pays again but he ask how he did all that:
- Very simple, his highness, to let him laugh I told him that mine is longer then his....and he started the let him stop simply I showed him....
A guy walks into a bar and order:
- 3 coffes, pls. One for me, one for you and one for your wife...the bitch.
The barman does not reply and that's what happened the day after...he walked in again:
- 3 coffes, pls. One for me, one for you and one for your wife...the bitch.
- Sir, if you might know something happening between me and my wife, you are kindly requested to do not disclose it here. I am working: OK?
The day after:
- 3 coffes, pls. One for me, one for you and one for your wife...the bitch.
The barman jumps the desk and brutalise the guy in order to give him a better explanation, and the day after the guy walks in again, covered of blues:
- 3 coffes, pls.......NO:::NO better only 2. One for me and one for your wife...the bitch, the coffein makes you extremely nervous.
Father - hey my son, let us go hunting women.
After 45 minutes an old woman go passed and the son:
- Daddy let us kill this one.
- is too old and she is too hard. Suitable for a soup only.
After 30 min more a wonderfull girl is crossing the way and the son:
- Daddy, look, let us kill this one.
No..No..honey.....let us bring her home and let us eat your mother.
One guy walks irruently into a bar saying.
All of you on my right are all gays and all the one on the left are all stupids and he goes for a drink.
A very big guy stands up on the right shouting: HEY...YOU....I AM NOT A GAY...
- OK, pass to the left side, stupid.

Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.

On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:

(It's a beauty)

(Wait for it)

(Get your best Chinese accent ready)

"You not Nissan Main Deala?"

A young boy goes into a pharmacy and asks for a condom.
_ Sir give me one condom. Tonight I have a nice program for my girlfriend.
- One dollar, pls.
On the way out he changes his mind going back to the desk.
- Give me another, pls. You know...her sister is looking me with to expressive eyes, when i finish the official games, I will jump into the other bed.
- One dollar please.
On the way out he changes his mind going back to the desk.
- Give me another, her mother is also too kind with me. Tis means something.
- My friend, this is a gift from me. Enjoy and I wish you to complete the cyrcle.


Very religious family where the father is prying to thank got, and at the end he says...AMEN.
Everybody lift up its eyes for starting to consume the food,,,but our friend stays with the head bended to the soup.

- I said AMEN

But nothing...he stays like that again and the girlfried tells him:
- Oh John, I did not knew that you are so religious. HIS ANSWER
- Me too did not knew that your father is the pharmacist.
A gay goes to the doctor saying.
- Doc, you know, I feel like I got AIDS can you fix me?
-Yes take one of those pills 3 times a day for 2 weeks and come back to me.
- But those are laxatives
- Shut up...who is the Doctor?
- OK
After 2 weeks he is back saying:
- Doc, you can not immagine the ammount of shit I have made in those 2 weeks.
- Well, now you know for which use was made the ass from Got.
The wife of the architect goes to the church and talk to the priest.
- yesterday, the milk boy arrived know....
-Madame, just say that you slipped. I will understand.
- you know, father, this morning the plumbier came home, and...and...
- Madame, just say that you slipped. I will understand
The old priest died and a young one arrived.
After 3 days of hearing about slippings, he decide to talk to the major.
- Hi father, what's wrong?
- You must do something, the street of the city is too slippary.
- Ah..Ah..A... you are still too young to understand....
- Sir, do not laugh too much because this morning your wife slipped twice....
The Captain of county police walksin the Empire state building, jumps in a lift and ask to the lift boy to go to the 236th floor.
- Sir, it will take a while. Can we socialise a bit? May I tell you a joke?
- Yes, but be carefull, I am a pubblic officer.
- Never mind, Sir, we go up and down until you understand it.
The husband goes home after work and his wife asks him
- Darling, can you fix the light in the bathroom?
- I am not an electrician.
The day after
- Darling, the robinet is leaking, can you fix it?
- I am not a plumbier.
The day after
- Oh darling, I put some coffee on the wall, can you paint it?
I am not a painter
The day after when he walks in he realise that the wall is white, the light works again and the robinet is fixed.
- What happened?
- You know our new nabour, he is so kind, he ring to ask a lemon and we spent few minutes talking and slowly slowly he fixed everything.
- What did he asked you?
- Well, he told me that he likes food and blowjobs.
- And what did he eat?
- I am not a cooker, darling
Just married.
He says:
- Just to avoid future problems, I inform you that after work I have my 7 PM I have dinner, at 8 PM I take a shower, at 8.30 PM I go to the pub to meet my friends.
- Well, darling, I have some habits as well. At 7 PM I have dinner , at 830 PM I take a shower and at 9 PM I make love. No importance who is the partner.

Brian Magee

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We
need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're
going to STICK! Careful CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me
when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you
LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to
salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I
don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like
when I'm driving."



Allegedly a true story but I was told by a club member friend that he knew someone who secretly taped his wife nagging him and then played it back to her so she knew what she sounded like. Funny, he got divorced soon after!
The Universe Unlocked

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like... night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
in the trap.
10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
15. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
18. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what
25. Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
26. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.