Jokes anyone? -

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London
.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice !"

Bill
 

Pat

Supporter
Amazing heart-warming true story...

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.
 
A 747 crashed and 436 people died including the crew. Only a young monkey survived.
A pool of experts in dialog with animals are questioning the monkey with the intent to understand the dynamic of the accident.
- what the passengers were doing at the impact moment?
- O-R-G-I-E
- Ohh God, and the crew wasn't trying to stop it?
- N-O
- What was doing the crew then?
- O-R-G-I-E
- Ohh God, and the Captain and his vice?
- O-R-G-I-E
- OOOhhhhh, now it is clear the why this accident occured. And you......what was you doing in this moment?
- D-R-I-V-I-N-G.............
 
A guy, before leaving home for a business trip, gives the instructions to his young son.
- When a man is coming in the house you shall put a sherry in this basket, OK???
Arriving at home he found 3 sherries in the basket and he asked to his son:
- If I am not wrong, only 3 men walked into the house.
- No daddy, with the other basket full, mommy has made some pots of jam.......
 
Farmer realised his cow's calf was breached, so he reaches his hands in, turns the calf and delivers it safe and healthy. Looks over his shoulder and sees his 5 year old son has seen the whole thing.

Farmer says, "Errr, do you have any questions about what you've just seen?"

His son says, "One question dad. Just how fast was the little cow going when it crashed into the big cow?"
 
Eskimo has the bonnet of his car up, and a pool of anti-freeze is spreading out on the road underneath the engine. He eats an ice cream while waiting for the tow truck.

Tow truck arrives. Driver says, "Blown seal?"

Eskimo wipes his mouth and says, "No, it's just ice cream."
 
One pig which is relaxing in the mud, in an over warmed afternoon, is looking to the donky which is spending the last energies for transporting heavy items.
- Hey, you. Why are you working so hard? Try to enjoy your life better then this.
- You know one thing????You do not have the same face of the one doing like you are, one year ago.
 
A couple of guys having a short understanding, are shooting many, many croccodiles.
One guard arrives shouting:
- What fucking hell are you doing, couple of stupids?? Do you want to kill all the animals of the reserve??
- You know Sir, a good friend of us who is now extremely rich, told us that he made all his money out of croccodile's shoes sales. You know what is the shame??None of them is wearing shoes.
 
4 mates are wasting time by travelling around the city without any target.
Arriving in the prostitute area, they decide to make some fun.
- How much, darling??
- 50 in front and 100 in the back.
And the 2 seatting behind:
- Why shall we pay more?
 
A guy asks to a girl if he could make a nice compliment to her doughter.
She gives allowance and he said.
- Hi, honey, do you know that you have the prittiest mom of the country?
 
Lipstick in School -- Priceless!!


According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick,they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.... and then there are educators.
 
This morning on the way to work I rear-ended a car at some lights whilst not really paying attention.

Anyway the fella who was driving got out. And he was a dwarf!

He said "I'm not happy"

I said "Well, which one are you then?"
 
This one cracks me up.
 

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Wanni, your jokes are hilarious in many different ways!

Hi,
what does mean hilarious?
Are they appreciated or not?
Remember that I am trying my best to translate them in a language that I own only for 60%. Anyway, any excuses.
Does the majority like them?
It is not a problem to stop the thread pollution.
Ciao
Wanni
 
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