Charlie Farley
Supporter
Jack,
Thanks..
6.30 am here, that started my day on a good note...
Thanks..
6.30 am here, that started my day on a good note...
Jokes anyone? -
- Thread starter p thompson
- Start date
Charlie Farley
Supporter
Fancy some really, really cheap sex ??
'Ride me all day for £3' bus ads with topless women will be removed after outrage
'Ride me all day for £3' bus ads with topless women will be removed after outrage
Jim Rosenthal
Supporter
No sense of humor. The world is sure getting dreary.
Charlie Farley
Supporter
Even my 80 year old Mother was in hysterics.
Wtf is wrong with these pc social media idiots ?
Chromosome short ?
Wtf is wrong with these pc social media idiots ?
Chromosome short ?
Jim Rosenthal
Supporter
Feckin ijits innit?
Some years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco. Mensa, as you know, is a national organization for people who have an IQ of 140 or higher.
Several of the Mensa members went out for lunch at a local cafe. When they sat down, one of them discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper, and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling any, and using only the implements at hand?
Clearly -- this was a job for Mensa minds. The group debated the problem and presented ideas and finally, came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer.
They called the waitress over, ready to dazzle her with their solution. "Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker........... "But before they could finish,.......... the waitress interrupted. "Oh -- sorry about that." She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.
There was dead silence at the Mensa table.
Reminds me of our government, solutions would be so simple, but the brilliant minds in Washington have to make the situation difficult.
Several of the Mensa members went out for lunch at a local cafe. When they sat down, one of them discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper, and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling any, and using only the implements at hand?
Clearly -- this was a job for Mensa minds. The group debated the problem and presented ideas and finally, came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer.
They called the waitress over, ready to dazzle her with their solution. "Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker........... "But before they could finish,.......... the waitress interrupted. "Oh -- sorry about that." She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.
There was dead silence at the Mensa table.
Reminds me of our government, solutions would be so simple, but the brilliant minds in Washington have to make the situation difficult.
While strolling around the Harbor this morning about 7 am., I noticed a character shouting "Allah be praised" and "Death to all infidels" and suddenly he tripped and fell into the water.
He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help he would surely drown.
Being a responsible citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coastguard, the Immigration Office and even the Fire Department.
It is now 11 a.m., the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have yet to respond.
I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps.
He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help he would surely drown.
Being a responsible citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coastguard, the Immigration Office and even the Fire Department.
It is now 11 a.m., the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have yet to respond.
I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps.
what is the difference between a unicorn and a lettuce?
One is a funny beast, the other is a bunny feast!
One is a funny beast, the other is a bunny feast!
Jim Rosenthal
Supporter
Right. And what's the difference between a girls' track team, and a tribe of genius pygmies?
Jim Rosenthal
Supporter
The pygmies are a bunch of cunning little runts.
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
<?xml:namespace prefix = "o" ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com
fficeffice" /><o> </o>
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale" He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
<o> </o>
'You talk?' he asks.
<o> </o>
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
<o> </o>
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
<o> </o>
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
<o> </o>
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
<o> </o>
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
<o> </o>
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
<o> </o>
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
<o> </o>
'Because he's a Bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard'
fficeffice" /><o> </o>A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale" He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
<o
> </o>'You talk?' he asks.
<o
> </o>'Yep,' the Lab replies.
<o
> </o>After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
<o
> </o>The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
<o
> </o>In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
<o
> </o>The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
<o
> </o>'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
<o
> </o>'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
<o
> </o>'Because he's a Bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard'
Jim Rosenthal
Supporter
I LOVE that one. Perfect.
Pat
Supporter
A woman has just started to play golf when she gets stung on the arm by a bee. She rushes back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor. She asks, "Is anyone here a doctor."
One guy, who was pretty drunk, stands up and says, "I'm a doctor, what can I help you with?"
"I've been stung by a bee."
"Oh really, where?"
"Between the first and second hole"
"Well, first of all, your stance is too wide..."
One guy, who was pretty drunk, stands up and says, "I'm a doctor, what can I help you with?"
"I've been stung by a bee."
"Oh really, where?"
"Between the first and second hole"
"Well, first of all, your stance is too wide..."
I was in the "Texas Rose" tavern last night at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer (woman) came up behind me and slapped me on the butt.
She said, "Hey Sexy, I dig old guys, how about giving me your number?"
I looked at her and said, "Do you have a pen?"
"I sure do," she answered.
"Well," I said, "You better get back into it before the farmer notices you're missing."
...My dental surgery is on Monday.
She said, "Hey Sexy, I dig old guys, how about giving me your number?"
I looked at her and said, "Do you have a pen?"
"I sure do," she answered.
"Well," I said, "You better get back into it before the farmer notices you're missing."
...My dental surgery is on Monday.
Italian Woman Joke
An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite ravioli wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the [ame="http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00L13TFOW"]kitchen table[/ame] were hundreds of his favorite ravioli.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture.
His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the ravioli was already in his mouth.
With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.
'Hands off!' she said. 'Those are for the funeral.'
An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite ravioli wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the [ame="http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00L13TFOW"]kitchen table[/ame] were hundreds of his favorite ravioli.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture.
His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the ravioli was already in his mouth.
With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.
'Hands off!' she said. 'Those are for the funeral.'
A liverpool girl goes to the office to register for child benefit
"how many children?" asks the welfare officer
"ten" replies the liverpool girl
"ten?" says the welfare worker
"what are their names?"
"nathan, nathan, nathan, nathan, nathan, nathan, nathan, nathan, nathan
and nathan"
"doesn't that get confusing?"
"naah..." says the liverpool girl, "it's great because if they are out
playing in the street i just have to shout 'nathan yer dinner's ready!'
or 'nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it"
"what if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious
welfare worker
"that's easy," says the liverpool girl... "i just use their surnames."
A liverpool girl enters an adult shop and asks for a vibrator
the man says: " ;choose one from our range on the wall"
she says "i'll take the red one"
the man replies: "that's a fire extinguisher"
"how many children?" asks the welfare officer
"ten" replies the liverpool girl
"ten?" says the welfare worker
"what are their names?"
"nathan, nathan, nathan, nathan, nathan, nathan, nathan, nathan, nathan
and nathan"
"doesn't that get confusing?"
"naah..." says the liverpool girl, "it's great because if they are out
playing in the street i just have to shout 'nathan yer dinner's ready!'
or 'nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it"
"what if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious
welfare worker
"that's easy," says the liverpool girl... "i just use their surnames."
A liverpool girl enters an adult shop and asks for a vibrator
the man says: " ;choose one from our range on the wall"
she says "i'll take the red one"
the man replies: "that's a fire extinguisher"
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
What do Liverpool girls use for protection during sex?
A bus shelter.
A bus shelter.
Irish Sugar Test
One day Paddy goes into a chemist shop, reaches into his pocket and
takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.
He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist, and says,
"Could you taste this for me, please?"
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.
"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.
"No, not at all," says the chemist.
"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."
One day Paddy goes into a chemist shop, reaches into his pocket and
takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.
He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist, and says,
"Could you taste this for me, please?"
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.
"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.
"No, not at all," says the chemist.
"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."
