Charlie Farley
Supporter
John B
Thats wonderful, thanks.
Thats wonderful, thanks.
Jokes anyone? -
- Thread starter p thompson
- Start date
"Have you ever seen a twenty euro note all crumpled up?" asked the wife.
"No, not as I recall" said I.
She gave me a sexy little smile, reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty euro note.
"Have you ever seen a fifty euro note all crumpled up?" she asked.
"Er, can't say I have," I replied.
She gave me another sexy little smile, reached into her underwear and pulled out a crumpled fifty euro note.
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen 30,000 euros all crumpled up?"
"Wow! No!," I said, intrigued.
"Well," said she, "go and take a quick look in the garage."
"No, not as I recall" said I.
She gave me a sexy little smile, reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty euro note.
"Have you ever seen a fifty euro note all crumpled up?" she asked.
"Er, can't say I have," I replied.
She gave me another sexy little smile, reached into her underwear and pulled out a crumpled fifty euro note.
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen 30,000 euros all crumpled up?"
"Wow! No!," I said, intrigued.
"Well," said she, "go and take a quick look in the garage."
Seen on a T-shirt:
"I'm not a bully, you're just a pussy."
"I'm not a bully, you're just a pussy."
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems
to lose his temper for no reason, and it scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is
getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your
mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the
room or goes to bed and falls asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor, looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband
started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he
calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth
shut that does the trick...."
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems
to lose his temper for no reason, and it scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is
getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your
mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the
room or goes to bed and falls asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor, looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband
started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he
calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth
shut that does the trick...."
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip:
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife.
An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story....
Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bull Shit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
Of course, I am in no way insinuating that you are old, just 'youthfully challenged'.
You did notice the size of the print, didn't you?
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story....
Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bull Shit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
Of course, I am in no way insinuating that you are old, just 'youthfully challenged'.
You did notice the size of the print, didn't you?
Understanding Engineers #1
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't fit you anyway."
Understanding Engineers #2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers #3
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers #4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers #5
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Understanding Engineers #6
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Understanding Engineers #7
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers #8
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't fit you anyway."
Understanding Engineers #2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers #3
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers #4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers #5
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Understanding Engineers #6
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Understanding Engineers #7
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers #8
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."
In a church one Sunday morning, a preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs" who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy answered, " I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy answered, " I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday."
Ian Anderson
Lifetime Supporter
Calling illegal aliens undocumented immigrants
is like calling drug dealers unlicensed pharmacists!
------------------------------------
I was sitting watching Match of the Day when the Mrs came into the lounge and says
"Fancy a shag Babe?"
I said, "After the football love"
She said, "You do realize that you can record it?"
I said, "Nice, you get the camcorder, I'll come upstairs when the footy finishes".
-------------------------------------
A husband emerged from the bathroom clearly aroused and naked.
As he leapt into bed his wife complained, as usual, "I've a headache!"
"Perfect!" her husband exclaimed. "I was just in the bathroom powdering
my penis with crushed aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you!"
-----------------------------------------
My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting ready to go out
when finally the door swung open and she said, "Honestly , do I look fat in this".
I replied, " Yes love, but to be fair, it's only a small bathroom.
---------------------------------------
A man donates blood to his wife after she is badly hurt in a car crash.
A few years later they go through a bitter divorce and he demands his blood back!.
So she throws a tampon in his face and says
"there you go you miserable git, I'll pay you back monthly!"
And the moral of this story is :-
Even if a woman eventually pays back what she owes a man!,
there will ALWAYS be a string attached!
is like calling drug dealers unlicensed pharmacists!
------------------------------------
I was sitting watching Match of the Day when the Mrs came into the lounge and says
"Fancy a shag Babe?"
I said, "After the football love"
She said, "You do realize that you can record it?"
I said, "Nice, you get the camcorder, I'll come upstairs when the footy finishes".
-------------------------------------
A husband emerged from the bathroom clearly aroused and naked.
As he leapt into bed his wife complained, as usual, "I've a headache!"
"Perfect!" her husband exclaimed. "I was just in the bathroom powdering
my penis with crushed aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you!"
-----------------------------------------
My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting ready to go out
when finally the door swung open and she said, "Honestly , do I look fat in this".
I replied, " Yes love, but to be fair, it's only a small bathroom.
---------------------------------------
A man donates blood to his wife after she is badly hurt in a car crash.
A few years later they go through a bitter divorce and he demands his blood back!.
So she throws a tampon in his face and says
"there you go you miserable git, I'll pay you back monthly!"
And the moral of this story is :-
Even if a woman eventually pays back what she owes a man!,
there will ALWAYS be a string attached!
Ian Anderson
Lifetime Supporter
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
When chemists die, they barium.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
PMS jokes aren't funny; period...
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded the dough.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
When chemists die, they barium.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
PMS jokes aren't funny; period...
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded the dough.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Ian Anderson
Lifetime Supporter
VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES
1 -How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!
2 -What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
3 - Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..
4 - How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
5 - Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.
6 - What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
7 - If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long
8 - Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
9 - Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
10 - Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
11 - If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
12 - Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%...
It's called a Wedding Cake.
13 - Why do men die before their wives?
Because they want to.
1 -How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!
2 -What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
3 - Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..
4 - How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
5 - Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.
6 - What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
7 - If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long
8 - Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
9 - Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
10 - Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
11 - If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
12 - Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%...
It's called a Wedding Cake.
13 - Why do men die before their wives?
Because they want to.
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to
track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to
join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.
Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about
sex every 10 seconds. Us old guys only think about
sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000
additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a
cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile..
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number
would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone out run a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still
learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl.
He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to
shade his eyes, not the back of his damn head!
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
HEY!! How about recruiting women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes?? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first week!
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to
track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to
join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.
Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about
sex every 10 seconds. Us old guys only think about
sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000
additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a
cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile..
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number
would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone out run a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still
learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl.
He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to
shade his eyes, not the back of his damn head!
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
HEY!! How about recruiting women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes?? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first week!
I don't know how true this is...but it's a great comeback!
When former U.S. military commander in Afghanistan Stanley McChrystal was
called into the Oval Office by Barack Obama, he knew things weren't going
to go well when the President accused him of not supporting Obama, in his
political role as President.
"It’s not my job to support you as a politician, Mr. President, it’s my
job to support you as Commander-in-Chief," McChrystal replied.
Not satisfied with accepting McChrystal's resignation, the President made
a cheap parting shot. "I bet when I die you'll be happy to piss on my
grave."
The General saluted. "Mr. President, I always told myself after leaving
the Army, I'd never stand in line again."
When former U.S. military commander in Afghanistan Stanley McChrystal was
called into the Oval Office by Barack Obama, he knew things weren't going
to go well when the President accused him of not supporting Obama, in his
political role as President.
"It’s not my job to support you as a politician, Mr. President, it’s my
job to support you as Commander-in-Chief," McChrystal replied.
Not satisfied with accepting McChrystal's resignation, the President made
a cheap parting shot. "I bet when I die you'll be happy to piss on my
grave."
The General saluted. "Mr. President, I always told myself after leaving
the Army, I'd never stand in line again."
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
The old Aussie battler lies dying in his bed, he calls out to Shirley, his faithful wife of 60 years, and says,
"Shirl, when we started out, I tried to buy a business in the depression, but it went bust... You were with me."
'Oh yes Bruce", she says.
Then when the war started, I joined up, was sent to the front, and lost me legs... You stayed with me."
"Oh yeas Bruce," she says.
'Then I came home, couldn't get a job, so I bought a farm.. You stayed with me."
"Oh yes Bruce", she says.
"Then the farm flooded, and just when we got over that, there was the bushfire, and then the drought which wiped us right out... You were still with me."
"Oh yes Bruce", she says.
"Now here I am, in excruciating pain, abut to die, useless... And you're still with me."
"Oh yes Bruce, I am" she says.
"Shirl?"
"Yes Bruce"
I reckon you're bad luck
"Shirl, when we started out, I tried to buy a business in the depression, but it went bust... You were with me."
'Oh yes Bruce", she says.
Then when the war started, I joined up, was sent to the front, and lost me legs... You stayed with me."
"Oh yeas Bruce," she says.
'Then I came home, couldn't get a job, so I bought a farm.. You stayed with me."
"Oh yes Bruce", she says.
"Then the farm flooded, and just when we got over that, there was the bushfire, and then the drought which wiped us right out... You were still with me."
"Oh yes Bruce", she says.
"Now here I am, in excruciating pain, abut to die, useless... And you're still with me."
"Oh yes Bruce, I am" she says.
"Shirl?"
"Yes Bruce"
I reckon you're bad luck
Gynecologist's Assistant
A man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read -- "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist.
You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions,
then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the
gynecologist's examination. “The annual salary is $65,000 and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana."
"Good grief; is that where the job is?"
"No sir; that's where the end of the line is right now."
A man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read -- "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist.
You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions,
then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the
gynecologist's examination. “The annual salary is $65,000 and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana."
"Good grief; is that where the job is?"
"No sir; that's where the end of the line is right now."
Pete, that's very Orsetralian (see other thread)
Here's another - my favourite:
"G'day mate, Medicare Helpline - what's the problem mate?"
" I'm on holiday in Australia with my girlfriend and she's been stung on the
minge by a hornet, now her vagina has completely closed up!!!"
"Bummer mate"
"Good idea!! Thanks mate!!"
Here's another - my favourite:
"G'day mate, Medicare Helpline - what's the problem mate?"
" I'm on holiday in Australia with my girlfriend and she's been stung on the
minge by a hornet, now her vagina has completely closed up!!!"
"Bummer mate"
"Good idea!! Thanks mate!!"
Jim Rosenthal
Supporter
Yes, there was a book years ago called "Jail Keys Made Here And Other Signs"... which contained a sign which read:
"Planned Parenthood League; Entrance in Rear"
Some folks who order signs evidently either know way too much or way too little.
"Planned Parenthood League; Entrance in Rear"
Some folks who order signs evidently either know way too much or way too little.
Here's a joke for you......
I'll wager that Pete wishes he'd kept his bloody mouth shut now!
I'll wager that Pete wishes he'd kept his bloody mouth shut now!
