Jokes anyone? -
- Thread starter p thompson
- Start date
My wife being the romantic sort, just sent me a text.............
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you xxx."
I replied........"I am having a shit. What should I do?"
An old fella was celebrating 92 years on this earth. He spoke to his toes.
"Hello toes.", he said.
"How are you?
You know, you are
92 today. Oh the times we've had!
Remember how we walked in the park in the
summer every Sunday afternoon. The
times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy
Birthday toes!"
Birthday toes!"
"Hello, knees.", he continued. "How
are you? You know you're 92 today..
are you? You know you're 92 today..
Oh, the times we've had! Remember when
we marched in the parade?
we marched in the parade?
Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together.
Happy Birthday, knees."
Happy Birthday, knees."
Then, he looked down at his crotch.
"Hello Willie! You little bugger. Just think.
If you were alive today, you'd be 92.
Four guys have been
going to the same hunting trip for many years.
Two days before the
group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't
going.
Ron's mates are very
upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the
three get to the camping site to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up,
firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire, sitting having a cold
beer.
"Hey Ron, how long you
been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here
since last night.
Yesterday evening, I
was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her
hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she
was, wearing a nightie.
She took my hand and
pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well
she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey......
On the bed she had
handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I
did.
And then she said, "Do
whatever you want."
So, Here I
am!
going to the same hunting trip for many years.
Two days before the
group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't
going.
Ron's mates are very
upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the
three get to the camping site to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up,
firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire, sitting having a cold
beer.
"Hey Ron, how long you
been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here
since last night.
Yesterday evening, I
was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her
hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she
was, wearing a nightie.
She took my hand and
pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well
she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey......
On the bed she had
handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I
did.
And then she said, "Do
whatever you want."
So, Here I
am!
flatchat(Chris)
Supporter
Copy that, see post 2771
The good thing about Alzymers ? ---is, you get to meet a lot of people.
The good thing about Alzymers ? ---is, you get to meet a lot of people.
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
You can also hide your own Easter eggs.
This brought a lump to my throat.....
What sentiment!
A couple were Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and the whole place was heaving, packed with other last minute shoppers.
Walking through the shopping centre the surprised wife looked up from a window display and noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen. She knew they had lots still to do and she became very upset.
She rummaged in her handbag and found her mobile phoned then used it to call her husband to ask him where he was.
The husband in a calm voice replied: "Darling, you remember the jewellery shop we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that one day I would get it for you...?"
His wife's eyes filled with tears of emotion, she began to cry softly and stifling a sob she whispered: "Yes, I remember that jewellery shop..."
"Well," he said, "I'm in the pub next door!"
What sentiment!
A couple were Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and the whole place was heaving, packed with other last minute shoppers.
Walking through the shopping centre the surprised wife looked up from a window display and noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen. She knew they had lots still to do and she became very upset.
She rummaged in her handbag and found her mobile phoned then used it to call her husband to ask him where he was.
The husband in a calm voice replied: "Darling, you remember the jewellery shop we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that one day I would get it for you...?"
His wife's eyes filled with tears of emotion, she began to cry softly and stifling a sob she whispered: "Yes, I remember that jewellery shop..."
"Well," he said, "I'm in the pub next door!"
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the
reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I
would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for
Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
* *
Dear Timmy,
Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all
fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the
time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to
get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you
something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus
* *
Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. Nice” contract,
set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to
granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this
joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at
my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit
trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones
* *
Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria,
need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it
a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action,
well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney’s have been
on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be
more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I
alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social
skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the
bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
* *
Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was
attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends
into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys
and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console,
my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone
* *
Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on
one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? “He sees
you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar,
genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your
shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people
that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll
all over the carpet of your mom’s basement. You’re not getting what you
asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in
you’re ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy
* *
Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.
Timmy
* *
Timmy,
That’s what I thought you little bastard.
Santa
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the
reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I
would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for
Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
* *
Dear Timmy,
Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all
fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the
time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to
get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you
something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus
* *
Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. Nice” contract,
set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to
granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this
joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at
my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit
trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones
* *
Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria,
need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it
a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action,
well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney’s have been
on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be
more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I
alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social
skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the
bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
* *
Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was
attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends
into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys
and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console,
my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone
* *
Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on
one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? “He sees
you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar,
genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your
shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people
that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll
all over the carpet of your mom’s basement. You’re not getting what you
asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in
you’re ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy
* *
Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.
Timmy
* *
Timmy,
That’s what I thought you little bastard.
Santa
Just for you Pete...
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel,
Found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired, --- "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
---- "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, ---- "What is it?"
"It's a planet," --- replied God, --- and I've put life on it.
I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test 'Balance.'"
"Balance?" --- inquired Michael, ---- "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.
"For example,northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor.
Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people.
Balance in all things..."
God continued pointing to different countries. ---
"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, --- "What's that one?"
"That's Brisbane , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful trees and gardens, a beautiful river, and days filled with sunshine.
The people from Brisbane are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.
They will be extremely sociable, hard-working, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things.."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, --- "But what about balance, God? You said there would be 'balance.'"
God smiled, --- "I will create Canberra
Wait till you see the idiots I'll put there."...............
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel,
Found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired, --- "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
---- "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, ---- "What is it?"
"It's a planet," --- replied God, --- and I've put life on it.
I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test 'Balance.'"
"Balance?" --- inquired Michael, ---- "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.
"For example,northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor.
Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people.
Balance in all things..."
God continued pointing to different countries. ---
"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, --- "What's that one?"
"That's Brisbane , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful trees and gardens, a beautiful river, and days filled with sunshine.
The people from Brisbane are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.
They will be extremely sociable, hard-working, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things.."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, --- "But what about balance, God? You said there would be 'balance.'"
God smiled, --- "I will create Canberra
Wait till you see the idiots I'll put there."...............
Jim Rosenthal
Supporter
A man suffering from terrible headaches and blurred vision was admitted to Johns Hopkins Hospital after an emergency CT scan of his head showed that he had a malignant brain tumor. The chief of Neurosurgery came in to see the man and sat down by the bed to talk to him.
"I'm sorry that we have to give you such terrible news," said the chief of Neurosurgery. "But there is one ray of hope here- we are pioneering an experimental procedure that might save your life. We are working on a brain transplant program, and since you are otherwise healthy, and you match up with multiple donors, we can offer you a brain transplant. Would you consider such an operation?"
"If that's my only hope," said the man, "of course I'll try it. But tell me about the multiple donors?"
"Well," said the chief of Neurosurgery, "we have two donor brains available, and they both happen to be from professional donors. There is a brain from another physician, an internal medicine specialist, and then there is a brain from a lawyer. Both match your tissue type, so you could have either one."
"I've never had to make a choice like this,", said the man with the brain tumor. "How do I decide which one to pick?"
"Well", said the chief, " the doctor's brain is a used brain. The lawyer's brain, on the other hand, is in unused condition....."
"I'm sorry that we have to give you such terrible news," said the chief of Neurosurgery. "But there is one ray of hope here- we are pioneering an experimental procedure that might save your life. We are working on a brain transplant program, and since you are otherwise healthy, and you match up with multiple donors, we can offer you a brain transplant. Would you consider such an operation?"
"If that's my only hope," said the man, "of course I'll try it. But tell me about the multiple donors?"
"Well," said the chief of Neurosurgery, "we have two donor brains available, and they both happen to be from professional donors. There is a brain from another physician, an internal medicine specialist, and then there is a brain from a lawyer. Both match your tissue type, so you could have either one."
"I've never had to make a choice like this,", said the man with the brain tumor. "How do I decide which one to pick?"
"Well", said the chief, " the doctor's brain is a used brain. The lawyer's brain, on the other hand, is in unused condition....."
flatchat(Chris)
Supporter
One of our "local" girls ( possibly indigenous / feral ) after having some pregnancy problems that unfortunatly ended in abortion --received a cheque in the mail for $5000.00 aud -- over whelmed she enquired to the department that issued this bonus -- who happened to be the federal police, with the responce that it was an initiative for crime prevention. :worried:
An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine
restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to
their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says
she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get
a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more
wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Jaguar in
the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large Bank
accounts. But.... The decision is all yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous
babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Tony?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to
their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says
she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get
a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more
wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Jaguar in
the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large Bank
accounts. But.... The decision is all yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous
babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Tony?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed.
-"You lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
-"But grandpa, I really don"t like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
-"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business, you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos. Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then......pointa to you watch and a say, TIME'S UP?"
-"You lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
-"But grandpa, I really don"t like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
-"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business, you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos. Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then......pointa to you watch and a say, TIME'S UP?"
A man answers his doorbell and is confronted by a 6ft beetle. The beetle head butts him, knees him in the groin and stamps on his foot.
The next day he goes to his doctor as he is still feeling bad. His doctor takes one look at him and says “I know what happened to you, you got head butted, kneed in the groin, and your foot stamped on.”
The man is amazed, “how on earth did you diagnose that just from a simple visual inspection” he asked.. “Easy” the doctor replied “ I heard there was a nasty bug going around”
The next day he goes to his doctor as he is still feeling bad. His doctor takes one look at him and says “I know what happened to you, you got head butted, kneed in the groin, and your foot stamped on.”
The man is amazed, “how on earth did you diagnose that just from a simple visual inspection” he asked.. “Easy” the doctor replied “ I heard there was a nasty bug going around”
A class of fifth graders were having a discussion on morals of the story. Little Susie raised her hand and said my mother was coming home from the grocery store and dropped the milk and started crying. The teacher asked her what the moral of that story was. She said, "Don't cry over spilled milk".
Jennifer in the second row raised her hand and when she was called on, she said her mother was coming home from the store and broke her eggs. The moral of that was not to carry all your eggs in one basket.
Frankie raised his hand and said My dad was in a foxhole in the army, and he peeked out and noticed he was surrounded by the enemy. He ducked back down where he had a bottle of Jack Daniels on one side and gun on the other. He picked up the bottle of Jack and drank it and then he grabbed his gun and shot all of the enemy. The teacher said, " What's the moral?" Frankie said, "Don't Fuck with my dad when he's been drinking."
Jennifer in the second row raised her hand and when she was called on, she said her mother was coming home from the store and broke her eggs. The moral of that was not to carry all your eggs in one basket.
Frankie raised his hand and said My dad was in a foxhole in the army, and he peeked out and noticed he was surrounded by the enemy. He ducked back down where he had a bottle of Jack Daniels on one side and gun on the other. He picked up the bottle of Jack and drank it and then he grabbed his gun and shot all of the enemy. The teacher said, " What's the moral?" Frankie said, "Don't Fuck with my dad when he's been drinking."
The Wooden Ball.....
An old man walks into the barbershop for shave and a haircut,
but he tells the barber he probably can't get all of his whiskers
off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years.
But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."
An old man walks into the barbershop for shave and a haircut,
but he tells the barber he probably can't get all of his whiskers
off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years.
But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."
This is for all the grandfathers out there.
Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant.
My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace.
As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert.
And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby,
I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"
Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me,
"Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my grand-son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."
"Really?" my grand-son asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied. Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added
(indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."
Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal. My grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.
He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman.
With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you.
Now shove it up your ass you grouchy old bitch! "
Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant.
My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace.
As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert.
And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby,
I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"
Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me,
"Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my grand-son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."
"Really?" my grand-son asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied. Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added
(indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."
Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal. My grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.
He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman.
With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you.
Now shove it up your ass you grouchy old bitch! "
A reporter was chastised by his editor for his lengthy submissions, and was told to make them brief. He was sent out to follow up an incident where an escapee from a lunatic asylum came upon two women hanging out clothes, raped them then disappeared. The subsequent report - Nut screws washers and bolts.
Ian Anderson
Lifetime Supporter
Wife comes home early and catches Hubby having a wank in the kitchen. She rushes over and gives him the blow job of his life.
Afterwards he says "We haven't had sex for 6 months and suddenly this . . . Why ??"
She answers "I only washed the floor this morning. I'd rather clean my teeth than get the fu$%ing mop out again !!"
Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, your fu$%ing next !!"
Woman goes to the Doctors and says "I'm getting too much discharge".
Doctor says "Pop your knickers off and slip onto the bed". He puts on his latex gloves and applies 3 fingers into her vagina.
"How does that feel?" he asks.
"Fu%^ing lovely" she replies "But the discharge is in my ear !"
An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".
"1st - Who was born in a stable ?"
"Red Rum" he replied
"2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?"
"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive ?"
"That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the shit out of them!!".
Went out last night dressed to kill . . . Beard, sandals, turban and backpack.
Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part !!"
Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet ?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday !!"
The police came to my front door last night, holding a picture of my Wife. They said "Is this your Wife Sir?" Shocked, I answered "Yes!". They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident". I said "I know but she has a lovely personality !"
Teacher asks class to put the word contagious in a sentence.
Ron says "The measles are contagious".
Katie says "There is a bug going round and it's contagious"
Little Johnny says "My neighbour's painting his house with a 2 inch brush and Dad says it will take the contagious !!"
Lost my job as a lifeguard yesterday.
Apparently refusing a Muslim entry to the pool whilst tapping the "No bombing" sign isn't the done thing.
Man walks into WH Smith and says "Do you have the new self-help book for men with really small dicks ?"
Girl says "I don’t think it’s in yet"
He replies "Yeah, that’s the one !!"
Afterwards he says "We haven't had sex for 6 months and suddenly this . . . Why ??"
She answers "I only washed the floor this morning. I'd rather clean my teeth than get the fu$%ing mop out again !!"
Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, your fu$%ing next !!"
Woman goes to the Doctors and says "I'm getting too much discharge".
Doctor says "Pop your knickers off and slip onto the bed". He puts on his latex gloves and applies 3 fingers into her vagina.
"How does that feel?" he asks.
"Fu%^ing lovely" she replies "But the discharge is in my ear !"
An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".
"1st - Who was born in a stable ?"
"Red Rum" he replied
"2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?"
"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive ?"
"That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the shit out of them!!".
Went out last night dressed to kill . . . Beard, sandals, turban and backpack.
Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part !!"
Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet ?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday !!"
The police came to my front door last night, holding a picture of my Wife. They said "Is this your Wife Sir?" Shocked, I answered "Yes!". They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident". I said "I know but she has a lovely personality !"
Teacher asks class to put the word contagious in a sentence.
Ron says "The measles are contagious".
Katie says "There is a bug going round and it's contagious"
Little Johnny says "My neighbour's painting his house with a 2 inch brush and Dad says it will take the contagious !!"
Lost my job as a lifeguard yesterday.
Apparently refusing a Muslim entry to the pool whilst tapping the "No bombing" sign isn't the done thing.
Man walks into WH Smith and says "Do you have the new self-help book for men with really small dicks ?"
Girl says "I don’t think it’s in yet"
He replies "Yeah, that’s the one !!"
